chat

why dad why

8:38 PM

*papah di dapur lagi megangin sama liatin sendok lama banget*

Aku: ngapain sih pah?
Papah: milih sendok yang ringan
Aku: .....

thoughts

+

3:00 PM

My mom said, "do have a crush who is smarter than you". Simply because he will motivates me to equalize my 'level' with him. I obviously don't want to look dumb when he's babbling about politics, global issues, hottest news, or opinions. Smart people will bring us to a higher level of life. They will widen our perspectives. Smart people makes us have to think smart, think critically, think differently, and think the way they think. They will change us become a smart one too.
My mom proved her words. I experienced a love with a smart guy next to my class back on junior high. He was so clever that he made me think "a smart guy deserve a smart girl too". So i studied hard to make myself worth to be with him. We had a relationship and it was literally one of the best time in my life. He made my whole life went a lot better. Both of us were so ambitious about our academic, so we competed together (although we weren't in the same class). We studied hard so we don't embarass ourselves when one of us made into the top 3 in class while one of us is not. We discussed ideas together. About our idealism, about our opinions about something, about anything. Our teacher always announced the top 3 rank of each class at the end of semester. The top 3 of each class had to stand up in front of the field and received a trophy with proud. I remember we made it together to be the top 3. And since our class was contiguous, we stood next to each other. We congratulated each other, we were proud of each other.

One day i was crying, down, and feeling sooo blue because i failed my storytelling. I only could make it top 10 in province. I texted him that i was disappointed about myself who wasn't good enough compared to the other winners. I felt that i was 'nothing' and I became mad. You know what was he said? He said he was proud of me. He told me not to cry because win or not, he was still gonna be proud of me anyway. The most important part was i worked my ass off to bring the best. And that's how you should be when you do anything in your life; bring the best. You should bring your best in every part of your life, not just in the competition. It became the lesson that i value in my life. I learned so much things from him, and i'm grateful to let him be the (sweet) part of my life :)

Well recently i had a crush with someone like him too hahahaha. I called him 'popok' so when somebody's eavesdropping me babbling about him, they would have no idea who he really is HEHEHEHE i'm sorry boy i don't even know why i should call you 'popok' :)))

We know each other, but we never officially talk. We just simply following each other's socmed account haha yeaaa so sad. I admire him a lot. I love the way he talks. He's one of the bad boys, but still, he never missed his shalat prayers. He's a pious of God. I love to see him go to mosque for dzuhur prayer. I love to see his hair wet by his wudhu. Gosh. I admitted that i'm not a very pious person. I missed my shalat prayer sometimes. And having a crush on him makes me embarrased. I'm not even worth enough to be with someone pious like popok... and i'm disappointed to be 'unworthy'.

But you know what.. perhaps, that would be the perks of having someone who is (adj)-er than you (in a poistive way obviously). You will strive to be on the same level as theirs. Wanting him makes me want to be more pious. Having crush on him makes me more spirited to do shalat prayers.. alhamdulillah. I hope being a pious would be a permanent mark on myself.

I guess the same thing happens on friendship and environments. If we're around the perfumers, we will also get the smell of perfume, right? Be around people with the positiveness, so you'll become one too. I guess Prophet Muhammad was right about it.

chat

my dad is that weird but i love him

9:47 PM

*di whatsapp*
Papa: Osya
Aku: ya?
Papa: hari ini hari apa sya?
Aku: senin? :(
Papa: tanggal berapa sya?
Aku: 28 oktttt
Papa: hari ini diperingati sbg hari apa sya?
Aku: hari sumpah pemuda pah 😂😂
Papa: coba sebutkan isinya apa sj...
Aku: kami putra dan putri Indonesia mengaku bertumpah darah yang satu, tanah Indonesia. Kami putra dan putri Indonesia mengaku berbangsa yang satu, bangsa Indonesia. Kami putra dan putri Indonesia menjunjung bahasa persatuan, bahasa Indonesia.
Papa: good... ntar pulang papah transfer & traktir makan kesukaanmu
Aku: :') oke

chat

fotokopi

9:37 PM

*aku sama lita lagi mo fotokopi soal*
Aku: mba fotokopi dari halaman ini sampe sini
Mba mba fotokopi: oh iya. mau fotokopi bolak balik?
Lita: hmm boleh boleh
Mba mba fotokopi: eh eh jangan deng saya belom jago fotokopi bolak balik
Aku sama Lita: ....

books

cliché

4:39 PM



It's so hard to leave--until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world. - John Green

photography

i always love 3pm

4:34 PM



i love how the sun shines through my windows every evening and suddenly everything seems so warm and orange-ish.



i love how the bright warm light of 3pm sunshine hits perfectly to my desk. it makes me want to do something on that old desk. even it's just a trashy doodle or a meaningless writing. 




i love doodling. on 3pm. in my room. 





i love the warmth of 3pm.




i love the shades on the book i read on 3pm. 

i just love 3pm lights.

chat

ke-anj-an part 5

6:58 PM

Tetra: oh iya aing baru inget!!!
Tetra: ga penting sih
Tetra: ya udah ga jadi
Ocha: apa teee
Ocha: kepo
Tetra: kepala pundak lutut kaki lutut kaki
Ocha: baleg apaan
Tetra: tapi maneh jangan ngetawain aing ya
Tetra: aing ga bisa berenti baper...
Tetra: damn
Tetra: i really don't know how to stop this feeling
Ocha: iya gabakal ngetawain
Ocha: ...paling ngakak:)
Ocha: ama siapa?
Tetra: sama aja *emot frown*
Tetra: ada laah manusia
Ocha: who
Tetra: sebut saja namanya popok
Tetra: maneh tau kan aing sehampos apa.. kemarin-kemarin tuh aing pergi ke suatu tempat dengan kondisi sendirian dan hampos layaknya daun gugur jatuh dari pohonnya. sedih banget kan. iya. ditambah di tempat itu aing makan dan duduk sendirian. maneh tau kan makanan kalo dimakan lama-lama abis? terpaksa dong aing harus beli lagi karena aing masih laper. betapa malesnya di tempat itu kalo pesen makanan harus di bawah dan posisi aing ada di lantai atas. damn i was too mager to move, but my little (BTW LITTLE DARIMANA YAH TE) tummy won't stop singing. mau ga mau aing harus ke bawah. begonya begitu ke bawah aing ga tau mau makan apa. begitu aing sampe ke bawah, aing ngeliat cewe yang ya bisa dibilang eye-catching lah ya. oh neptune's bread, i couldn't stop staring at this girl. but i decided to stop staring at her karena takutnya dia ngira aing psikopat yang mencari santapan yang "mantap anjeng". betapa beruntungnya aing, dia nyapa dan nanya aing gini, "malam, mau pesen apa?". siapa yang ga seneng disapa seseorang yang sedari tadi menarik perhatian seorang manusia yang hamposnya ga ketulungan. begonya aing jawab dengan gagap ditambah gatau mau pesen apa. akhirnya dia ngasih saran makanan apa yang enak sambil senyum. whoa, this girl really made me baper a lot. tau ga tempat yang aing maksud apa? tau ga siapa cewe ini? Indomaret. dan cewe ini adalah mba-mba Indomaret yang selalu setia menyapa para pelanggan yang datang ke tempatnya mencari sesuap nasi. ga eye-catching sih sebenernya tapi aing sengaja bikin semua ini hiperbola.
Tetra: Hehe
Ocha: .......
Ocha: ANJEEEEEEE LELAH AING PUNYA TEMEN KAYA MANEH

chat

ke-anj-an part 4

6:48 PM

Tetra: CHAAAA *emot cry superbanyak*
Ocha: opo beb *udah nyangka dia bakal curhatin mba indomaret*
Tetra: aing bete *emot cry*
Ocha: kenapa dah
Ocha: sini cerita ama mamah dedeh
Tetra: bete tadi aing ke indomaret terus si mba mba indomaretnya ngucapin "selamat datang di indomaret, selamat berbelanja" dengan tidak semangat a.k.a lemes kaya abis mencret puluhan kali
Tetra: gimana ga bete aing datang ke indomaret dengan tujuan ingin disapa manja tapi apadaya yang ku dapat hanya sapaan lemas
Tetra: *emot cry superbanyal*
Ocha: TAE LU CURHAT MBA INDOMARET MOLO
Tetra: kok tai *emot cry*
Ocha: dia lemes gegara ngeliat kamu te
Ocha: ngeliat kamu dia jadi pengen boker
Ocha: mungkin mukamu mengingatkannya kepada boker
Ocha: atau mencret diare
Tetra: anj

chat

ke-anj-an part 3

6:42 PM

Tetra: Cha aing sedih
Ocha: kunaps bre
Tetra: tadi aing ke Indomaret tapi engga disapa manja sama mba mba mas mas indomaret :(((
Tetra: ketika saya datang ke Indomaret dan tidak disapa manja oleh mba mba mas mas Indomaret, disitu saya merasa sedih dan hampos
Ocha: anje

chat

ke-anj-an part 2

6:40 PM

Tetra: Cha
Ocha: whut
Tetra: sumpah bahagia pisan Ya Allah
Tetra: disapa manja sama mba-mba Indomaret
Tetra: finally i'm not hampos anymoreee
Tetra: ada yang nyapa astaga
Tetra: mba-mba indomaret aja perhatian, masa doi engga
Ocha: anje

chat

ke-anj-an part 1

12:01 AM

*di grup line*


Hani: Kalo udah pada nyampe rumah kabarin ya cha diq te
Ocha: udah sampe ☺️
Tete: maraneh harus tau....
Tete: aing ditabrak....
Ocha: lah ko bisa? sekarang maneh gimana? ada yang luka parah ga? gimana ceritanya?
Hani: maneh dimana te
Hani: p
Hani: Te
Hani: Te
Tete: udah di rumah
Tete: aing ditabrak masa lalu terus luka-luka di hati
Tete: ehehehehe


ps: itu emang 'anj', bukan anjing, anying, anjir, anjis, anjrit, anjrot, anjos, ato anjay yang disensor.

quotes

•••

12:39 AM

"Ga ada manusia yang sempurna ya, orang yang baik sama kita belum tentu ga bakal jahat, dan yang jahat belum tentu ga baik."


- Tuti.

thoughts

gue & 'something to proud of'

5:16 PM

Kadang emang gue ngerasa 'nothing' banget sih dibanding temen-temen yang hidupnya superproduktif, yang udah tau where they belong to, yang udah yakin abis sama passion-nya, yang talented abis dan yang prestasinya udah segudang..


Belom tua aja gue udah menyesali masa remaja gue.

Shit.
Kayaknya gue nggak punya something to proud of.
Kayaknya gue belom melakukan apapun selama 16 taun ini. Sementara di luar sana banyak kenalan seumuran gue yang dari sekarang aja udah sukses--jadi artis lah, model majalah, skill fotografinya diakuin sama master fotografi yang gue idolain banget, desainer lah, punya usaha sendiri.. dll.
Hft.


Gue mau cerita. Gue pernah les keyboard sama vokal waktu kelas 4 SD. Gue sebenernya pengen les piano atau gitar elektrik. Simply karena gue suka banget sama lagu-lagu alternative, dan gue mikir kayaknya keren aja kalo cewek maen gitar elektrik, apalagi kalo maenin lagu-lagunya Paramore. Di setiap lagu yang gue denger, gue pasti concern sama part gitar elektriknya. Kelemahan gue, gue gak berani bilang. Mama emang pengen gue bisa keyboard, karena beliau juga bisa keyboard.. Haha. Yaudah, gue jalanin 2 taun les keyboard sama vokal sampe ikutan beberapa konser yang diselenggarain les gue. Gue inget banget lagu dari konser pertama gue adalah I'll Be There-nya Mariah Carey. Konsernya emang cuma diselenggarain di kafe-kafe, tapi gue bersyukur karena dari beberapa pengalaman itu, self-esteem gue tumbuh. Setelah 2 tahun les keyboard, kakak gue nyusul dengan les gitar.. which is something that i wanted to do from the beginning :( Gue nyesel banget kenapa gue nggak 'berani' aja buat minta ke Mama kepengen les gitar. Penyesalan gue nomer 1: ga berani ngutarain keinginan gue.

Taunya kakak gue nggak betah di gitar. Dia pindah jalur ke piano (lagi-lagi yang semulanya keinginan gue!). Gue akhirnya bilang ke mama mau pindah ke piano biar sama kayak kakak gue, dan beliau nyetujuin. Lagian toh keyboard dan piano nggak jauh beda. Kalo inget-inget itu, gue suka ngerasa betapa powerless-nya gue. Betapa 'payah'-nya gue yang selalu ngegantungin pilihan gue sama aksi kakak gue. Mungkin kalo kakak gue nggak pindah ke piano, gue juga nggak bakal minta pindah ke piano dan ngebiarin diri gue stuck di les keyboard yang sebenernya ga gue pengen. Akhirnya gue pindah haluan dan belajar piano sekitar 6 bulan sampe kejadian itu. Suatu hari gue masuk les seperti biasa. Sayangnya gue lupa buat belajar lagu yang di-PR in sama K, guru piano gue. Dan itu udah minggu kedua gue masih ga bisa nguasain lagu itu. Mungkin diperparah sama keadaan dia yang lagi moody, dia marahin gue. Sinis banget, judes banget, pedes banget kata-katanya.

"Saya tuh greget ya, bingung, kamu ngapain aja sih dua minggu ini? Perasaan saya udah capek-capek ngajarin jelas banget minggu lalu dan dua minggu lalu, tapi percuma aja kalo kamu ga latihan. Terus ngapain dong kamu les kalo kamu ga latihan? Mending di rumah aja. Jadi kamu selama ini belajar apa dari les, heh, belajar apa? Heran."

Gue cuma bisa diem. Syok. Sakit hati. Karena yang kedengeran di telinga gue yang masih SD waktu itu tuh kayak

"Goblok banget sih lo!!!"

akhirnya sejak itu gue gak pernah masuk les lagi. Gue ogah ketemu guru les gue. Gue benci banget sama dia. Ini nih yang bikin gue nyesel. Kenapa sih gue harus se-tempe itu waktu dulu? Kenapa sih gue gak punya mental yang baja, yang bikin gue nggak langsung nyerah gitu aja sama les gue? Padahal gue udah setengah jalan banget, dibilang masih basic yaa udah lebih dari itu, tapi dibilang jago juga belum. Padahal itu kesalahan gue juga, gue ga tekun latihan. Penyesalan gue nomer 2: waktu itu gue membiarkan diri gue jadi seorang yang mental tempe dengan nyerah merjuangin apa yang gue suka karena ada penghalang.


Sekarang gue cuma bisa ngiri liat temen-temen gue yang pada jago di bidangnya. Kayak G, temen gue yang jago banget main gitar, yang istilahnya mah anak 'musik' banget parah, yang diminta mainin lagu apapun dalam sekali denger langsung bisa. Atau kayak H yang suaranya bagus banget parah, trofi dimana-mana, dan yang gue denger-denger dia baru lolos seleksi X-Factor kemaren. Kayak O, temen gue yang langganan juara olimpiade sains nyampe tingkat internasional. Kayak M, temen gue yang sadar punya passion di bidang sosial dan jadi aktivis sama relawan dimana-mana.

Ngiri iya. Bangga banget punya temen kayak mereka juga iya.

Semakin ngeliat mereka gue jadi semakin menyesal sama hubungan antara gue dan piano. Atau hubungan gue dengan story-telling. Atau hubungan gue dengan catur. Atau hubungan gue dengan tolak peluru. Atau hubungan gue dengan vokal. Penyesalan gue nomer 3: gue berhenti di tengah jalan di semua bidang yang pernah gue gelutin. I;m the jack of all trades.

Gue pengen jadi salah satu di antara mereka yang jago di bidangnya. Bidang yang lagi gue gelutin sekarang adalah fotografi. Gue cinta fotografi. Mungkin hasil foto gue nggak se-dewa ato semantep orang lain seumuran gue. Gue juga udah sering banget kalah di kompetisi-kompetisi fotografi. Tapi kali ini gue gamau nyerah. Gue nggak mau punya mental tempe lagi yang ngebiarin halangan di depan jadi alasan gue buat menyerah. Gue gak mau berhenti di tengah jalan lagi. Gue gak mau nyesel lagi. 

Gue pengen suatu saat orang-orang mengakui kehebatan gue di bidang yang gue jalanin dan bangga punya temen kayak gue dan bilang, "Temen gue yang jago fotografi? Oh ada tuh ada. Ocha."

Gue pengen suatu saat idola gue jadi rival gue.

Mungkin sekarang gue nothing dibanding temen-temen gue, tapi gue berharap gue bisa sabar dengan segala pressure itu dan fokus sama gue sendiri. It may took a long process to transform myself from 'nothing' to be 'something', but i'm sure it would worth the wait.

film

wth

3:15 PM



holy. shit. it's. gonna. be. fucking. epic.

lyrics

-

1:52 PM

Long were the nights when
My days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps
Praying the floor won’t fall through, again
And my mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine

You paint me a blue sky
And go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game
But you changed the rules everyday
Wonderin’ which version of you I might get on the phone, tonight
Well I stopped pickin’ up and this song is to let you know why

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone.
Don't you think I was too young
To be messed with?
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home, I should've known.

Well maybe it’s me
And my blind optimism to blame
Or maybe it’s you and your sick need
To give love then take it away

And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand
And I'll look back in regret how I ignored when they said,
"Run as fast as you can."

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone.
Don't you think I was too young
To be messed with?
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home

Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played by your dark, twisted games?
When I loved you so, I should've known.

You are an expert at "Sorry"
And keeping lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
All the girls that you've run dry have tired lifeless eyes
Cause you've burned them out

But I took your matches
Before fire could catch me
So don’t look now
I’m shining like fireworks
Over your sad empty town

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone.
Don't you think I was too young
To be messed with?
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home

I see it all now that you're gone
Don't you think I was too young
To be messed with?
The girl in the dress
Wrote you a song, you should’ve known.

You should’ve known
Don’t you think I was too young?
You should’ve known.

-

.....sumpah emang lagu Dear John tuh aing banget.

culture

another luckiness

11:39 PM

Bulan Ramadhan kemaren berkah banget. Selain karena gue bisa ngerasain shalat Ied lagi (setelah 2 tahun absen huhu), gue juga lucky banget bisa menangin weekly photo contestnya Kiehl's di Instagram yang ngusung tema Indonesian Heritage, #LestarikanWarisanIndonesia. 





Foto ini sebenernya gue ambil 2 minggu sebelum kontesnya mulai waktu jalan-jalan ke Lombok. Nah, menenun ini ternyata udah jadi tradisi di kalangan wanita desa Sasak Lombok, ternyata. Selain buat memenuhi kebutuhan ekonomi, ternyata menenun juga merupakan syarat mereka untuk dapat menikah. Bagus banget loh sebenernya kalo dipikir-pikir, karena itu artinya mau nggak mau tradisi nenun ini bakal membudaya dari generasi ke generasi kan? Automatically budaya ini bakal terus lestari. Waktu gue mampir ke tempat pengrajin tenunnya, gue sempet diajarin nenun kain sama wanita penenun di sana. Gila. Susah banget parah! Prosesnya emang ribet. Nggak heran sih harga tenun ikat yang mereka jual juga nyampe jutaan, abis bikinnya aja berbulan-bulan. Honestly gue bersyukur bisa 'nyicipin' salah satu warisan Indonesia ini. Gue yakin bukan cuma orang yang punya interest sama cultural-art kayak gue doang yang ngerasa bersyukur nyobain/ngeliat proses nenun, tapi juga semua orang Indonesia. All of Indonesians just can't deny that they're proud to be Indonesian for its richness of culture



syenaaang dapat hampers dari Kiehl's! 💙 

quotes

•••

10:50 AM

'Kita memang berbeda, tapi sama dalam cinta' - Soe Hok Gie, tentang pluralisme.


photo

eid (2)

10:49 AM



another Eid pict (karena guenya bagus HAHA).
maklumin yang paling kanan ya, dia emang ga tidur semaleman jaga di igd 😛

random

mindset

10:38 AM

mindset anak gaul: hari ini caw kemana ya?

mindset anak rajin: belajar apa ya hari ini?
mindset gue: mandi ga ya hari ini?

random

brazil

10:36 AM

Gue: Natasha tuh latino? mukanya eksotik gitu

Dia: Bukan. Dia dari Afrika Selatan
Gue: wah?
Dia: Iya dia dari Afrika Selatan.. hmm Rio de Janeiro!
Gue: ngarang lu nyet
Dia: napa?
Gue: Rio de Janeiro mah di Brazil
Dia: Heeh Brazil. Afrika.
Gue: SEJAK KAPAN BRAZIL DI AFRIKA DODOL
Dia: AIMANEH BRAZIL MAH EMANG DI.... EHIYA AMERIKA YA DODOL HAHAHA

random

faktor penghambat impor-ekspor

10:33 AM

A: Faktor penghambat ekspor dan impor tuh bermacam-macam, di antaranya jarak, keadaan negara yang tidak stabil, blablablablabla nah sekarang aku tanya yah, kira-kira apa coba yang menyebabkan Indonesia sulit berelasi dagang dengan Palestina?

S: kejauhan?

random

setahun

1:04 AM





Setahun yang lalu gue ngetwitpic foto ini pake caption "study hard work hard sleep hard live hard die hard" saking stresnya belajar mati-matian buat UN SMP. Setahun lalu gue ambisius. Apapun gue lakukan buat nilai gede. Pulang sekolah bimbel sampe maghrib / malem, pulang pemantapan dateng ke bimbel buat intensif & pendalaman materi sampe sore. Libur dipake buat ngerjain latihan soal. Satu buku soal habis, beli lagi seri yang lain, kalo bisa hari itu juga dihabisin. Setahun lalu gue semangat. Nggak ada yang lebih bikin gue excited daripada fantasi masa SMA. Masa SMA yang literally kata orang-orang best part of your life. Setahun lalu gue euforia bisa masuk SMA yang walaupun bukan impian utama gue, tapi masih jadi alternatif yang tergolong bagus. Setahun lalu semua lancar. Setahun lalu gue mencintai kehidupan gue. Setahun lalu gue bahagia.

lucu gak sih, kalo diinget-inget, kamu yang setahun lalu tuh beda banget sama kamu yang sekarang?

random

things my family do on eid

4:02 PM

1. having eid prayer together

2. sungkeman
3. eat
4. eat
5. nap
6. card games
7. eat
8. watching bollywood movies :(
9. eat
10. eat
11. eat
12. card games
13. sleep
14. eat
15. EAT

photos

•••

3:07 PM


sudah aku siapkan teh hangat, sofa dan penghangat ruangan di sela jemariku, agar jemarimu nyaman berada di antaranya.



quotes by ask.fm/zikoji
photo by me.

dreams

aamiin

3:02 PM

My sisters and i have some lists about our dream destination. Mba Yaya, my oldest sister, loved city so much. Her destination would be fancy cities like New York, Tokyo and Prague. Mba Ajeng, th 2nd sis of mine, is a nature-lover. She spends most of her holidays by travelling. Her destination dream (of course) is always related with nature. Her destination dream is 'tasting' Indonesia beaches and mountains, and Prague.  My dream trip mostly dominated by historical places since i found myself have a big interest into cultural art. Aamiin Ya Allah.


1. Hagia Sophia. A church & a mosque characteristics on one building.. with byzarantine architecture, how cool is that?
2. Sacre Coeur. I wanted to see the jesus mosaic.
3. Sistine Chapel. I can imagine the 'awwww-ness' when i see michaelangelo ceilings.
4. Gion. If i'm lucky, i'd meet the Geisha(s). Also i wanted to capture the Japanese temples.
5. Antelope Canyon. Definetely an artwork of nature.
6. Louvre. Gosh :(
7. Blue mosque Istanbul.
8. Cappadocia.
9. Pyramid of Cheops.
10. Kaaba 😭😭 (who doesn't?)

family

things about you

8:26 PM

i'm living 15 years believing that i was adopted. that my blood type was AB while mum's was O and dad's was A. until i figured out my real blood type was A, because i had to check it out for the school form. you did the most horrible prank on my whole life.

you were the one who pushed me so hard to choose accounting. you said i'd love it so much and accounting was a skill, so it'll be needed everywhere.

you were the one who hated sushi. but now you're not. you're even becoming the one who ask us to go to sushi tei whenever you're hungry.

you play keyboard. and saxophone. you can sew. you sewed my pyjamas and among all of the pyjamas i have, it was my favorite. you can knit. you cook delicious food, even it's not as good as Aunt Maya's food or Aunt Uci's cake. you do sports. you play badminton and you're sooo good when it comes to duel with dad. you're terrific on tennis. also on swimming. how can i not say you're so multitalent?

you were the one who cuts my hair. you never let anyone cut my hair except you. and your cuts so far has been good, since you assisted grandma on her saloon long time ago.

you're very protective of our healths. sometimes you became paranoia. your diabetics made you so. grandma's cancer made you so. grandpa's stroke made you so. i remember when i got lump on my neck, you gave me 8 vitamins every morning and before i go to bed. EIGHT.

you were the one who wakes me up every morning by your tahajjud prayer.

you were the one who searched for signatures to fill the form of my school application, you RAN because it was the last hours of application and we were way out of times.

you were the one who ask me to sleep with you everynight when dad isn't home. everytime i couldn't sleep or scared of bad dreams, you hugged me tight so i don't feel scared anymore.

when grandpa was sick, you took care of him neatly. you always made sure he didn't feel pain, he felt comfort enough to sleep, he consumed his medicine. you loved him so much, better than you love your ownself.

you were the one who cried to me when you're sad. you did it mostly when you ride me to school. when you did, all i can do was only trying to calm you down.

you worship God. you're a huge fans of God.

you love james bond so much. and all action movies.

you've been never be so pushy about my daily activities. when i felt lazy to go to school and ask your permission about absence, you never said 'NO'. you always let me to decide by your sayings, "your life, your choice".

you held pain but you were strong. you have never let anyone see you weak.

two months ago, sis got a car accident. it victimized a woman that she had an aneurism on her brain. my sister was innocent, but you and her were so responsible to take care of the victim, since the victim came from a poor family. she needed the surgery. you paid all of the costs even it wasn't worth not less than 50 million. my sister was stressed&down that she couldn't eat nor doing activities, but all you said was "It's okay. it's me & your dad's problem. please do not be stressed. if you're stressed, then i will too. you don't have to overthink about it. you just have to be safe and more careful next time, got it?". 

You're heartful. Humble. Sometimes annoying, but i love you so much. I know i will never could pay you back of what you've done to me, because it's priceless. I will pay you back by being a better person, a useful person and being the one who will make you proud.

Happy 48th birthday, ibuku sayang!


lyrics

that was me

5:12 PM

And she always did her best to try and please him
While he always did his best to make her cry
And she got down on her knees to stop him leaving
But he always knew one day he'd say goodbye

photos

1436H

9:07 AM



happy eid mubarak 1436H! 🙏

Ocha.

quotes

-

3:15 PM



everyone promises forever until they get fucking bored.

random

3:10 PM



holiday.
11 days remaining.
*sobs*

quotes

:)

3:01 PM



by that i found myself have never experience first love yet

thoughts

envy what?

2:55 PM

couple days ago my mum told me that my sissy cried in front of her. i asked her why, and what my mum said surprised me. "she envied you&your (another) sissy. she felt so jealous sometimes of both of you, how do you always get waved by people you met, how do you have lots of people respect you and how do you easily socialize."


what the fuck.

people just can't never get enough huh? it's funny to hear that since i've been the one who envy them (both of my sis) all the time.

hmpft it's just she doesn't know that sometimes the reason i hardly to go to school is because i can't stand socializing.

random

why can't i be normal

2:16 PM

i hate that sometimes i hardly live like a normal teenager who's doing really great on socializing. to be just click and fit with everyone else wherever they are, to make friends on every circles easily, to be confident in front of everybody. i talked to God a lot, saying that i'm sorry for being so disgraceful bout myself. like, EVERYDAY, i blame myself for having low self-esteem, for being an introvert, for being a socially awkward or somehow being a jerk anti-social.

love

dear crush (4)

1:08 AM

She said we need to be fucking realistic to get what we want.


I guess
the thing about you will always be forever a fantasy.
seems like it's just the only place to lead me having what i want.


you.

poem

-

2:01 AM

Mungkin di hari aku menikahimu kelak,
aku tau matamu bukan lagi berwarna hitam, abu atau coklat tua.
tapi biru ..
karena biru adalah laut dan laut adalah kamu, maka di dalammu aku larungkan semua perasaan yang jahat.
karena biru adalah laut dan laut adalah kamu, maka di tengahnya aku akan berenang.
Dan jika aku tenggelam, aku mohon untuk jangan pernah diselamatkan.

source: ask.fm/zikoji

love

dear crush (3)

1:56 AM

Fuck butterflies.


I got a whole zoo on my stomach when you crossed out my mind.

other

langit

1:28 AM

What do i do when i get bored? I'm stalking.. hahaha. Belakangan suka banget bacain feedsnya ask.fm/zikoji dan naksir berat sama puisi-puisinya! Achingly beautiful banget sih, sampe ga kuat buat ga ngeshare ke orang-orang.

Luna : Kala, kenapa langit senja memerah?
Kala : kamu pernah terluka?
Luna : pernah
Kala : apa warna darahnya?
Luna : merah
Kala : Dulu pagi itu kekasih malam.
Luna : lalu?
Kala : malam berkhianat, jatuh cinta pada eleanor, sang bintang
Luna : lalu?
Kala : pagi balas dendam, bercinta dengan senja
Luna : Lalu apa yang hubungannya dengan langit yang memerah?
Kala : pagi tak pernah benar benar mencintai senja, malam tak pernah meninggalkan eleanor sang bintang, siapa menurutmu yang paling terluka?
Luna : Senja, jadi alat balas dendam yang percuma. 
Kala : kamu tau apa warna darahnya?
Luna dan Kala : Merah

source: ask.fm/zikoji

about me

who am i: being a skeptic

1:23 AM

Kadang gue bersikap skeptis terhadap friendship. Mungkin itu yang ngebuat gue jadi extrovert di antara keluarga gue dan sedikit tertutup (naturally) kalo sama temen. Dikatakan skeptis karena gue emang nggak menaruh banyak ekspektasi terhadap mereka. Gue akan sangatlah senang dan appreciate kalo mereka ada di saat gue senang maupun susah, tapi gue juga nggak akan merasa terlalu sakit hati kalo mereka nggak hadir di saat gue sedih. Mungkin suatu saat kalo itu bener terjadi, gue akan berpikir itu karmanya gue karena pernah nggak hadir (tanpa gue sadari) di momen down-nya mereka. Mungkin juga karena gue orang yang terlalu family-oriented. Gue selalu berpikir selengket-lengketnya temen gue dengan gue, memang toh nggak ada yang lebih tau diri gue sebaik keluarga gue. Menurut gue, sedekat apapun gue sama teman gue, mereka tetap bisa dengan mudahnya pergi gitu aja dari kehidupan gue, bahkan bisa balik lagi jadi stranger, tapi keluarga nggak akan pernah bisa begitu. Banyak orang di luar sana yang bisa mendadak mendekati kita, jadi temen kita, ngambil advantage dari kita, trus pergi lagi. Ada juga yang udah deket banget sama kita, sampai akhirnya kita udah percaya banget sama mereka, kita buka darkest side kita di depan mereka, dan taunya beda prinsip sama mereka, mereka ga bisa nerima, trus mereka jaga jarak. People come & go, but family does not. Emang cuma keluarga yang tau bobrok busuknya gue dan tetep tulus sama gue. Mereka, keluarga, nggak berharap akan balasan untuk berbuat baik sama gue. Tapi jangan salah artikan pandangan gue dengan ‘nih orang nggak mau temenan sama siapapun’. In fact, I do have a lot of friends, but small amount on bestfriends. Alhamdulillah sih sejauh ini sahabat-sahabat gue nggak pernah ada yang ‘ninggalin’ gue, tapi tetep aja ke-skeptis-an gue susah buat lepas. Oke, jadi inti post ini tuh mungkin.. 1) gue orang yang sangat family-oriented, 2) gue kadang skeptis terhadap friendship, tapi nggak berarti gue nggak suka berteman.

greetings

greetings

11:38 PM

Long holidays leads to a new post everyday. Hehe.

Happy holiday & Ramadhan, peeps!

so today

being a grown up

2:13 PM

I'm gonna be 17 in less than a month.


Normally, at this time remaining, the other girls would have been busy take care of their sweet 17th birthday preparation. They would kill for the hippiest birthday party ever among their friends'. It has to be held on the fanciest hotel or restaurant in town, it has to serve great foods, it has to set the chicest concept of decors, requires a DJ, and they should have wearing the prettiest gown ever while blowing candles on the top of the graded cake. It has to be the best party ever so anyone in school would talk about that. I guess it would be the picture of almost everyone's (every girls, red) dream birthday party.

Well, except for me.

The idea of being legal doesn't excite me at all. But for my mom and sisters, it does. Both of my sisters had their sweet 17th birthday party years ago. Just like the other girls, they think it's crucial thing to do in your whole life (or probably the best day of your whole life). It's not hard to guess that they would influence me someday about that stuffs when my time's coming up. And yes, they did. Earlier, my mum offered me a birthday party. She and my sisters came out with a bunch of concepts. They were like, 

"Since it's drought, i think it would be better for you to choose an afternoon garden party"
"No, no. Night birthday party would be the best"
"It would be pink everywhere"
"Heck no, there would be silver and gold balloons and decorations everywhere"
"But..."

And so on i can't even remember what exactly they were talking about. Pink, seriously, is not my thing. The idea of having sweet 17th birthday, is also not. I might let them down of my decision but i can't push myself to do that (not so my) thing. A q-time family dinner would be enough to me. Sorry guys.

Remembering that i'm nearly turn 17 actually makes me kinda worry. The thing of being legal is, you take responsibility of your own self. When you done something bad or break the rule, is not your parent's business anymore (legally). It's your life you should take care of. Also, being responsible of your life means you decide anything on your own. Every choices in life is yours to decide and to take. And by deciding choices means you need to be mature enough to understand the consequences. Dang! That's it. That's what i all worried about. Making (wise) choices.

I kept questioning myself bunch of questions. Am i mature enough? Am i gonna make it right? Will i screw my life by my unstableness? Am i making the right decision? How do i gonna handle my life when i change my mind in every 5 minutes? Do i capable enough? What should i do if... What if i....

and so on. The thing is, i'm not even sure with myself. For what i've been looking through backwards, i'm a girl who's full of uncertainty and having difficulty of figuring out what i want. I just can't imagine how can i face messier problem years ahead while at this time i'm still having difficulty to make my own decision. I made lots of mistakes in my life. My ego and ignorance once let me chose the wrongest path probably in my life. I have been studying social in a year. I thought it would be the right decision, just because realizing i put more interests on social studies and humanities. What have been through this year was fine. I did it well and enjoy it so much, actually. I even took the highest rank on last semester. I always knew that was exactly where i belong. Until i discover another interest. Guess what.. medical. Hahaha. I finally recognized i had fallen in love with medical since my eldest sister let me involved on her world. Also, watching Grey's Anatomy series makes me love it even more. By seeing how they work, what they're doing with their job, it just makes want to know more and even more until i put my heart on it. I even discussed a lot about medical stuff with my mother and sister who also put interest in it. And then i remembered human's anatomy was my favorite part on biology in junior high although they were just little. Somehow, i still remembered all i learn about medical since i was junior high. How can? Simply because i enjoy it so much.

Here's what confusing.
I always knew i belong in social studies. I learn fast on it. I put interest about it. I always good at it.
But i always hungry to know anything related to medical. And i did everything i can to discover more about it. And i always excited about it. And what i feel about medical is what they said about doing passion. I was hesitate, wondering where i should really belong in. And that hesitation proved my immaturity. 

Do i regret to decide social studies?

I don't know. There are so much possibilities. It can be that i only love medical just from what i have seen from the outside. I probably cried like my sisters during her studies, remembering bunch of cases for her SOOCA tests. I probably feel disgrace to not having free times with my kids because there are still lots of patients out there. I probably feel bored to do the same job in the same place everyday and be ungrateful about it. Or i probably just love medical temporarily (re: angin-anginan). So i don't know. I still love social studies and didn't lose any interest on it anyway. But who knows what happens next? Who knows if i will regret my choice or not? Future always creeps me out.

What i can do right now is concern about my social studies, because there's no way back to change my decision to science studies. Because by choosing science studies doesn't guarantee i will not regret my decision to not choose social studies either. So yeah the point is.. i just have to live what already happened.

And yes, that was the huge case that caused by my ego and my ignorance. I said it was huge because it really is. It was the choice that settled my life and my future, right? I don't want to hesitate anymore (just like in that case) again in my life by the decision i made.

And like what i said upfront, making the right decision requires maturity. Maturity leads to responsibility. And by being legal requires me to taking bigger responsibility. Hffft. It's not easy to be a grown up, huh? Seriously. All i can do is hoping that i'm not gonna screw it out by making right decision. Making decision... huge thing. Once again, i asked myself, do i capable & mature enough to live as a grown up?

Now you know why do i scared to be a grown-up. Now you know why am i not excited at all about the idea of being legal. Hmmm ... can we just not growing up?

about me

who am i: being an ambivert

8:25 PM

God is brilliant and unique. He created diverse creatures so we don't get bored seeing the same version of ourselves on the others'. I get amazed everyday with the diversity He made through people i met (or i just knew). Almost 17 years i live, i met lots of people, but each of them has different habits, different mindsets, different physical appearances, different skills, and also different personalities. Had you have a think about how God is very artsy and particular about creating a person? I had. For example, let us take a look on Jared Leto and my dad (why should it be my dad? because.. i don't know haha!). Jared Leto is a 39 years old with messy hair and eye liner who express himself through rock music and support gay marriage. I can feel his passion, originality and his heart and passion through his song Kings and Queens (30 Seconds to Mars) while my 39 years old dad had his hair cut routine, express himself through drawing architecture sketch, listen to Pance's music, and strictly disapprove LGBT.

I also compared myself a lot with my sister, Ajeng. Everytime i did, i always felt that i was the downgrade version of her. I wasn't as sociable as her, as friendly as her, and as attractive as her. I envied her many times. I always wondered how does she always succeed making friend easily and comfort anyone who's being around her. She always happen to be a fun person to converse with, while i need weeks to can talk freely or non-awkward chat with them. It just felt sucks. But well, time flies and i've grown up. As i becoming a teenager and observe a lot, i found myself not as a downgrade version of my sister, but a whole different person. It's not that i am less this and less that if compared to my sister (or everyone), it's just simply because i'm different. And i know that i don't have to worry, because we are different each other. I found that since i observe my sister's habits. My mother and i agreed that she always doesn't like to be just at home (re: ga betahan). She spends her most free time with her friends and and lively being around people than being alone. She always feels insecure when she's alone. Concerts, parties, festivals and mall are her thingy, while it's definetely not mine. I feel comfort and peace to go alone for movies or hanging-out by myself while reading a book on a coffee shop, while my sister thinks it's idiot and so-anti-social.


And then my curiosity leads me to another research.

According to Carl Gustav Jung, there are 3 types of people based on their personalities. There are the extroverts; the ones that known as the outgoing, expressive and sociable. They're identical to be known as the social butterflies and easily make friends. I'm sure everyone of us has find out that in every our friends circle or environment, there will always be a central group or a 'center' person that catches everyone the most. The group whom hold a big influence in a group and tend to be the dominance. In my case, that central group held by a bunch of 'it' girls and the 'it' boys. The extros (that's how i called the extroverts) are so expressive that they let everyone know what they feel through verbals. They also love to speak rather than silence and being around of people rather than be alone. These extros just naturally feel lively when being around hustle. Also, working in a group and interacting with people are what they prefer beside working alone and 1:1 interaction. Those characteristics are my sister's thingy.


The other type is the introverts. This type of people are only about 30% of the world population, according to my research on Google, and I guess my eldest sister is one of them. Take a look on our class. I'm pretty sure there's at least one of our friends in class who tend to do everything alone, or a loner, or it's just they don't talk too much. The intros has the opposite personalities compared to the extros. Yes, the intros are more likely to be alone and find peace on it. They feel insecure for being around of people or crowds, and tend to express their feelings through writings. Many people think that these people are anti-social or worse, the freaks. However, it's not. It's not that they're shy or have a less skill of communication either. Being an introvert doesn't make them anti-social. They just have a different way to socialize and really careful to let things go out from their mouths. Yes, they think a lot before they speak. Also, the intros are more likely to be busy observe people, that's why they silent much. They're naturally born as the thinkers. They listen more while the extros more likely to speak more. Thay's why the intros are better listeners. I put more interest on the intros. On many cases the intros just surprised me by their hidden skills or story. I had one friend that people known her as a loner named H. My friends and i thought she was so mysterious. Soon, we were suprised to discover she's incredibly have an amazing skill on guitar! Or my other friend named A who's sooo private and talkless who is actually a book author.


The last type is ambivert. Literally, ambivert sits between the extros and the intros. At one time, they find peace in silence, but on the other time, they just can't stand the loneliness. They spend time and okay to be at home or to be alone, but when there are parties, they possibly become party-animals just like the extros. They have lots of friends, but also fine to be alone. Sometimes they like being around the crowds and sometimes they don't. On some circle friends they're known as the talkactive ones while ob the other circle people see them as a loner. The ambis are known as the easy going and the moody ones. They sometimes can be the extros and later transform to be the intros.

I find out myself as an ambivert who has a dominance introversion tendency. My personality changes depends on my environment. And i can't blame myself for having difficulty to change it. Being around my little family, i'm a very talkactive, expressful, crazy and confident person. I talk so much in front of them and don't even feel any worry to be disliked by them. I express a lot in front of them. When i'm mad, my face express real madness. I make silly faces in front of them. I threw out opinions about anything in front of them when it goes to discussion. I dance crazily and don't even care about how sucks my dance looks like. In my case, being an ambi makes me prefer to be only friends with the people who comfort me. When my intro side come out, i'm becoming such a loner, private, who prefer to read a book on a library by myself (out of the crowds). When my extro side come out, i'm suddenly becoming the most cheerful, active, and expressful person who prefer to be in the hippiest place or crowds such as mall or concert. Or when both of the sides mixed up, i'm becoming the one who reading a book by myself in the crowd coffee shop (it has to be crowd because at that time i don't want to be really alone). That's why the ambis like me known as the moody(s).

Here's what funny. I'm naturally selective about friends. It's not that i'm picky, for God's sake, it's just come naturally. I'm naturally all-out when being around a person i comfort with, and i'm naturally awkward when being around people/person that misfits me. Who misfits me? The one who's 'too much' for everything. The ones who exposed too much, talk too much and don't let me get that opportunity to talk back, the ones who spelled too much dirty words. Ah, and the one who don't ask me back so i always should have to be the one who ask question that lead to a conversation, avoiding silence-awkward situation. They literally intimidate me. But my bad is, when i feel intimidated on that first meeting, i automatically ignore or worry that person to be part of my life. Okay you may be confused at this time, so let me get you an example.

For example, i have two circles of friends, A & B. I feel comfortable to be around my A circle's friends. When i feel comfort, i'm all out. I'm becoming the most talkactive person, the most out-going and the most friendly person around them. I'm feeling more alive being around them and my A's friends see me as the sociable person. Assume that i don't fit the B friends but unfortunately the situation makes me has to be around them. So in B circle, i'm becoming more private and naturally build a bridge so they don't know the true crazy me. They know me as a private, don't talk too much or worse, arrogance person. But the bridge just built by itself. I'd love to hug A friends passionately while i feel awkward even to just hold my B friends' hands. Sometimes it's funny to hear my B friends said that i don't talk too much, while on the inside i know that i'm one of the most talkactive person on the A circles.

Note this. I don't hate the ones who misfit me. It's not that i ignore them to be friends with me either. It's just feels harder and scared to be friends with them for me. We don't have the same vision or principles and i think it may took a longer process to can crack my shell in front of them. It's just.. i expect people who has different values with me would hurt me if i crack my shell out. That's why i tend to be private in front them. So i don't get hurt. Well maybe it's my bad that i can't be careless to be myself in front of people who don't fit me. It's my bad that i let my environment defines me and changes me. It's my bad that i rather to be not me than being hurt by people. Maybe that's why after all this time, i called my self as a determinism. Yes. Determinism; what happen on me is caused by my environment.

That's me. I'm an ambivert. I'm the one who wants to be exposed or stand out more than the others at one time, but want to hide away from the crowds at the other time. I'm sociably awkward in new environment when there's no one i know accompany me, but when i feel you're close enough to me, i'll crack my shells and probably be the center of circle. I have lots of friends, but i do have a small amount of best friends that REALLY know me. If you succeed to comfort me, you may be pleasured to walk through my bridge. And by 'walk through my bridge' means you may be the luckiest person that i share all my true love and i care with in my life, i promise. I may be very private but I will do everything to people that i love. Some people may see me as an extrovert and some people may see me as an introvert and that may confused you; but that's okay. It is what it is. I wasn't pretending to be anybody else. Being intros and being extros are parts of myself that comes naturally. I can't even fix it so please, don't blame me for it. I feel insecure being around of people that i don't know when those people has already known each other. I depend my personality on my environment but swear, i tried my whole life to be happy and embrace wherever i'm around with. I got power from the loneliness, i got peace on it, but i on the other side i just can't stand being alone.

It's hard at the beginning to admit that i am one of those kind of people. But as i admit my bad, i figured myself out even more. I know myself a lot better, appreciate it, and not just try my best to live it, but also embrace it.

So, what kind is your personality?

music

#WhatIListenWhen

2:09 AM

What i listen when i'm feeling blue :)


1. Hear You Me - Jimmy Eat World
2. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrols
3. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
4. Blind - Lifehouse
5. My Heart - Paramore
6. You'll Never Know - Lawson
7. Brand New Day - Forty Foot Echo
8. Wave Goodbye - Steadman
9. Sudah - Ferdinand
10. To Build a Home - The Cinematic Orchestra
11. Nothing - The Script
12. Gone Too Soon - Simple Plan
13. Astronaut - Simple Plan
14. O - Coldplay
15. Itu Aku - Sheila on 7
16. Goodbye - Avril Lavigne
17. Explosions - Ellie Goulding
18. Dead in the Water - Ellie Goulding
19. I Know You Care - Ellie Goulding
20. Atlas - Coldplay
21. All I Want - Kodaline (Ellie Goulding version)
22. Salted Wound - Sia
23. Lost Stars - Adam Levine
24. Hujan Di Mimpi - Banda Neira
25. Standing in the Dark - Lawson

life just felt so good

10:15 AM

like finding out that your crush just liked your old photo on instagram.


while they actually haven't followed you yet.