i'm writing this as the sound of takbir perpetually reverberates from the mosque nearby, reminding all of us that Eid al-Fitr is coming as soon as tomorrow. while most people love Eid al-Fitr for its festive, foods, and fortune, hari raya lebaran justru selalu bikin gue diam-diam sedih me-recall hari dimana mbah kakung meninggal dunia. ada waktu dimana gue selalu take some space to grief for the loss of my grandfather di hari lebaran. it's always hard for me to find an adequate way to talk about my grandfather --cause he's so special and he deserves all the best that i could give; yet it's so hard to put it into words while trying to ignore the lingering pain in my chest. he was my first love... losing him was the worst kind of heartbreak i've got to move on from. the grief still hits me hard, even after all these years. penyesalan hidup terbesar gue mungkin adalah gue nggak sempat ngucapin selamat tinggal ke mbah kakung. di hari kita mudik ke jawa dan ninggalin mbah di rumah (bareng suster dan keluarga di pihak mama), gue waktu itu udah terlanjur masuk ke mobil dan lupa salam sama mbah. waktu itu gue mikir, "aduh udahlah tanggung, ga usah salam nggak apa, beberapa hari lagi juga ketemu lagi". turns out he was the one who left us that night. i was so broken i couldn't even cry until i got back home from the funeral, alone, in my room. my chest hurt so bad it almost felt like it was gonna explode. not only i lost a grandfather, i also lost a bestfriend. 

but your death; they won't happen to you. 

it happens to your family and your friends.

those verses couldn't be more accurate

anyway, the way i see how my father looks at my nephew now --his first grandchild-- reminds me of how mbah kakung used to look at me, nurture me and protect me. gue kadang mikir; does it really work that way? kakek-nenek emang di mana-mana lebih sayang sama cucu dibanding sama anak sendiri? my father rarely says that he loves me, hug me or being so affectionate with me (those are not his love language), hence i'm a bit surprised seeing how my father and Z could be so lovey-dovey all the time and how tight the bond between two of them right now. keponakan gue juga udah clingy banget sama kakeknya. i'm not sure why i'm so jealous whenever i see both of them; is it because i've never had that kind of affection from my father or is it because it reminds me of the similar relationship i used to have with mbah kakung?

i've been missing you so much

p.s: i'm sorry i've been so mellow these days

this covid-19 pandemic situation sucks, indeed. perkuliahan jarak jauh bikin situasi kadang jauh lebih capek dibanding kelas biasanya. tugas gue jadi lebih banyak, ujian lebih kecot dan traumatis, kelas online yang ga kondusif (beberapa mata kuliah gue bahkan semacam abandoned oleh dosen), bikin mata gue pusing juga most of time of the day mantengin laptop. ah, not to mention prapid & prapid just got cancelled. sedih banget gaada memori mooting di semester 6. meskipun dulu (waktu kuliah tatap muka) capek tiap hari pulang malem gara-gara latihan prapid praper, jujur gue enjoy banget jalaninnya. nggak cuma dari segi akademis, gue juga dibikin parno tiap hari karena situasi ini. selalu ngerasa kotor lah, pusing dikit parno, batuk dikit degdegan.

things have changed a lot.

but it wasn't all bad though, if we try to look the other way.

situasi class from home bikin gue ga harus catokan tiap hari. nor wearing any make ups. nor even wearing a bra. i no longer spend too much time deciding what should i wear to class that day; karena toh ga ada yang liat juga lewat zoom. i could wear my buluk t-shirt and boxer every single day. makan masakan mama tiap hari; bukannya warteg deket kosan gue yang menunya itu-itu aja (dan gue yang milihnya itu-itu aja). get to spend time with my baby nephew. gue juga jadi punya aktivitas baru. gardening has become my morning routine for this past couple of weeks. hmmm technically, gue cuma bantuin (baca: disuruh) metikin / panen aja sih hehe. did i ever mention that my mom loves gardening? mama telaten banget soal ngurus kebunnya. it's not exactly a garden though, karena letaknya justru di balcony. so far, gue udah panen sawi, bayam, sama kangkung. kalo gak karena gue tiap hari di rumah dan disuruh ngurus kebun, kayaknya gue ga bakal tau bentuk ketiga jenis sayur itu sebelum dimasak gimana muahahaha.

things have changed too in my family.

to be frank, i couldn't recall when was the last time my family gathers on weekdays. ada di rumah bareng mba ajeng, mba yaya, dan papa sehari-hari di rumah somehow feels a lil bit strange... yet it feels so warm. like those good ol days; childhood days. udah lama ga ngalamin berantem rebutan ayam mana yang lebih besar atau paling banyak kulitnya, nyusun plan snack apa yang kita buka hari ini-besok-lusa, rebutan siapa yang tidur sama boba, saling nungguin biar bisa makan siang bareng, kumpul deketan dan ngobrol di ruang tv meskipun kadang masing-masing juga concern sama buku/gadget/aktivitas masing-masing. well, i must say being able to be home with my family is the most luxurious thing i obtained from this covid-19 situation.

lately, i find so much joy by looking at tiny babies. the newborns. the world really does have a weird sense of humor, doesn't it? i remember how i used to hate babies and kids. i even thought newborns are weird as they, sometimes, look like aliens. but now, i really do hope someday i'll be given the opportunity to have one. even though some part of myself are scared and wondered if i would ever be ready or capable to be a good parent, i know for sure that i want to raise a kid (or kids) someday. anyway, here comes the big news. big huge. mba yaya is pregnant. i am (way too) happy to hear that when she brought the news. geez, my sister is soon to become a mom! entah untuk yang keberapa kali gue bilang 'rasanya baru kemaren..' and reminisce things my sister(s) & i used to do back then when we were kids. dear niece/nephew, i'll cherish you as i'll cherish my own kids in the future. i love you already. dear little one, i really, really, can't wait to see you soon

lalu kita pelukan untuk waktu yang lama.

"osya mau tidur sama mba yaya."

"iya..."

...

gue sadar suatu saat dia akan meninggalkan rumah.

tapi gue nggak pernah benar-benar tau rasanya sampai hari ini.

i never had this kind of feeling & sadness before. as i'm writing this, i burst into tears.

it felt worse than a heartbreak.

i was expecting to spend this week just staying at home, doing nothing, yang penting bareng keluarga gue. selama liburan kemarin, gue selalu jadi 'milik' orang lain.

begitu masuk rumah & salam, gue rebahan di sofa depan tv. damai. lega. rumah!

...sampai mba yaya bilang, "osya, minggu depan mba yaya pindah."

"pindah kemana?"

"ke pontianak."

"hah? hahaha jangan boong ah! bercanda kan?"

"engga..."

"don't you dare lie to my face! ga mungkin. mba yaya bercanda kan?"

"..."

"demi apa..."

and then my mum came and said, "sya, minggu depan mba yaya pindah. satu minggu ini kita bareng-bareng & seneng-seneng terus ya, kita jalan-jalan."

and then i cried.

we cried.

...

Oke.

1...2...3

Gue kesepian.

....kemudian ada backsound galau.

Iyeeeee seriusan gue kesepian, tapi gaboleh pada ketawa!! Sampah emang.

Kenapa gue malu ngakuinnya.. yaaa.. mungkin karena di jaman sekarang 'kesepian' selalu dikorelasiin sama kejombloan seseorang or stuffs related to relationship. Orang-orang langsung nyangkutin kesepian sama kejombloan. Haha emang orang yang jadian udah pasti ga ngerasa kesepian? (ternyata iya) (ternyata gue doang dulu kek gitu) (fak). Padahal kesepian versi gue di sini bukan kesepian karena gak punya pacar ato apalah itu yang berhubungan sama cinta cintaan. Kesepian gue.. more like coming from my daily activities.

Makin kesini gue jadi ngerti gimana rasanya jadi anak tunggal. Gue inget duluuu pas gue kecil, tiap kali berantem sama kakak-kakak gue, pasti gue suka mikir kepengen jadi anak tunggal aja. Enak, gak berantem sama kakak, gak usah rebut-rebutan channel tv, rebutan ayam yang paling gede, rebutan sepatu, dimanja pula! Walaupun mungkin kakak-kakak gue juga dulu mikirnya 'kenapa gue harus punya adek gak tau malu bin gak tau diri kayak dia?'. Emang bener ya 'you'll miss it when it's gone' tuh.

Kedua kakak gue udah pada gede, udah pada dewasa, lagi mengejar mimpi masing-masing. They are on the way for their dreams. Yang satu lagi sibuk-sibuknya co-ass, jarang pulang gegara jaga malem di rumah sakit, pulang-pulang cuma buat tidur (karena bagi dia sekarang, dapet day-off bener-bener the only chance to get rest. kasian banget dia ye), but i can see that she's enjoying it. That's her passion. She's living her dream.. sekolah kedokteran emang udah jadi mimpi dia banget sejak SMA. Waktu dia kelas 3 SMA, gue masih SD sekitar kelas 5an. Dia yang SMA-nya di Cimahi rela-relain pulang sekolah jam 3-makan di mobil-bimbel di Bandung sampe malem. Mendekati UN malah sampe jam 10an. Gue selalu ikut ibu nganter-jemput dia les. Gue inget dulu pas dia gak keterima di FK unpad, dia galau abis sampe nangis tiap hari, males makan, nangis diem-diem di balkon, lemah, lesu, letih lunglai butuh sangobion pokoknya gak semangat idup. Sampe akhirnya dia nemu jalan lain buat nerusin mimpinya.. walaupun beda uni, bukan unpad. Dia ngejalanin kuliah dan segala tetek-bengeknya dengan sepenuh hati. Glad to see you happy with your choice, Sis. Sekarang dia lagi bingung ingin milih speliasisasi apa.. she said that she really likes obgyn very much, like, it's her passion. But mum doesn't approve. Whatever it's gonna be, gue berharap dan selalu berdoa dia bakal sukses masa depannya, dan ngegratisin gue kalo berobat di dia. Yaiyeslah ya.

Yang kedua juga sama. Sibuk banget. Sibuk seminar (kayak prep skripsi gitu, iya bukan sih? cmiiw), tugas kuliah, liputan, magang di media.. sekalinya pulang ke rumah kerjanya ngebo sampe siang. Tapi kali ini udah dua bulan dia gak pulang, sibuk sibuk dannn sibuk. Sama kayak Mbak Yaya, dia juga passionate banget dengan bidang kuliahnya sekarang. She's a fighter. Dulu waktu SMA dia ditentang banget mau masuk fikom. Orangtua setujunya dia masuk hukum. Tapi dia ga pernah nyerah & selalu bisa mertahanin keinginan dan pendapatnya. Emang udah passion dia sih, makanya dia fight for it banget. Kalo gue bisa gak ya..

Sehari-hari di rumah rasanya sepi banget. Cuma gue berdua sama ibu. Papa cuma pulang pas weekend. Bahkan untuk 3 minggu kedepan beliau pun nggak pulang karena dapet tugas abroad. Kakak gue dua-duanya sibuk. Pulang gak nentu. Gue pengen main lama juga suka mikir dua kali, kasian ibu gue sendiri.

Gini ya, rasanya 'jauh' dari keluarga?

Gue nggak yakin semua orang ngerasain kayak gini atau guenya aja yang terlalu family-oriented. Karena gue dekat banget sama kedua kakak gue.. sedeket itu. Dan sekarang giliran kita 'kepisah' oleh kesibukan masing-masing, di rumah gue jadi nggak punya temen buat curhat gila-gilaan, buat nonton bareng, buat rebutan kulit ayam (haha apaan banget), buat berantem.. Gak kebayang gimana lebih kesepiannya orangtua gue nanti--ditinggal anak-anaknya berkeluarga.

Saking sepinya tiap hari gue tidur bareng mama di kamarnya. Begitu weekend papa pulang, gue 'terpaksa' tidur di atas sendiri di kamar Mba Yaya.. suka mikir & ngerasa kesepian. Seharusnya gue malem ini tidur ngampar bak ikan teri bareng kalian sempit-sempitan. Walaupun kamar di atas ada tiga, kita pasti tidur bareng. Harusnya malem minggu kayak gini (itupun kalo kalian lagi gak malmingan), kita lagi ngerumpi di atas ngetawain hal-hal konyol, baca koleksi komik kita (yang walaupun udah dibaca berkali-kali), nonton film bareng, ato makan malem bareng. Nggak kayak sekarang, nonton, makan, tidur, sendirian. Bingung gue, gaada temen buat ngobrol, ato sekedar iseng ngomentarin film, ngehebohin aktor ganteng yang lagi gue tonton saat itu, ato ngomong betapa-enaknya-pecel-lele-yang-lagi-gue-kunyah itu ke siapa. Kangen "Sya, makan bareng yuk di bawah", atau "Sya temenin pipis" tengah malem. Langka banget momen itu sekarang.

Sekarang kita dipisahin jarak. Dipisahin kesibukan masing-masing. Dipisahin mimpi masing-masing yang lagi kita kejar. Mungkin kalian juga kadang ngerasa kesepian. But hey, nothing worth comes easy, dan mungkin jarak adalah bayarannya. Gue selalu mendoakan & mendukung kalian. Gue sayaaang banget sama kalian dan kalian nggak pernah berhenti bikin gue bangga. Someday we'll be on top together. Yang satu jadi dokter spesialis (mata? kulit? atau mungkin pada akhirnya obgyn? gak tahu), yang satu jadi editor-in-chief majalahnya sendiri (as your wish), yang satu jadi... orang sukses di bidang yang jadi passionnya. I just knew, kesepian gue sekarang pasti gak ada apa-apanya dibanding rasa bangganya gue sama mimpi kalian yang udah tercapai nanti. Because your happiness are also mine.. dan gue tau kita bakal spend time bareng-bareng lagi kayak dulu. Karena sejauh apapun jaraknya, suatu saat pasti kita bakal pulang ke rumah.. dan kita sama-sama tau kalo keluarga adalah rumah kita.

Untuk Mba Ajeng dan Mba Yaya, yang lagi di tengah jalan merealisasikan mimpi masing-masing.

i'm living 15 years believing that i was adopted. that my blood type was AB while mum's was O and dad's was A. until i figured out my real blood type was A, because i had to check it out for the school form. you did the most horrible prank on my whole life.

you were the one who pushed me so hard to choose accounting. you said i'd love it so much and accounting was a skill, so it'll be needed everywhere.

you were the one who hated sushi. but now you're not. you're even becoming the one who ask us to go to sushi tei whenever you're hungry.

you play keyboard. and saxophone. you can sew. you sewed my pyjamas and among all of the pyjamas i have, it was my favorite. you can knit. you cook delicious food, even it's not as good as Aunt Maya's food or Aunt Uci's cake. you do sports. you play badminton and you're sooo good when it comes to duel with dad. you're terrific on tennis. also on swimming. how can i not say you're so multitalent?

you were the one who cuts my hair. you never let anyone cut my hair except you. and your cuts so far has been good, since you assisted grandma on her saloon long time ago.

you're very protective of our healths. sometimes you became paranoia. your diabetics made you so. grandma's cancer made you so. grandpa's stroke made you so. i remember when i got lump on my neck, you gave me 8 vitamins every morning and before i go to bed. EIGHT.

you were the one who wakes me up every morning by your tahajjud prayer.

you were the one who searched for signatures to fill the form of my school application, you RAN because it was the last hours of application and we were way out of times.

you were the one who ask me to sleep with you everynight when dad isn't home. everytime i couldn't sleep or scared of bad dreams, you hugged me tight so i don't feel scared anymore.

when grandpa was sick, you took care of him neatly. you always made sure he didn't feel pain, he felt comfort enough to sleep, he consumed his medicine. you loved him so much, better than you love your ownself.

you were the one who cried to me when you're sad. you did it mostly when you ride me to school. when you did, all i can do was only trying to calm you down.

you worship God. you're a huge fans of God.

you love james bond so much. and all action movies.

you've been never be so pushy about my daily activities. when i felt lazy to go to school and ask your permission about absence, you never said 'NO'. you always let me to decide by your sayings, "your life, your choice".

you held pain but you were strong. you have never let anyone see you weak.

two months ago, sis got a car accident. it victimized a woman that she had an aneurism on her brain. my sister was innocent, but you and her were so responsible to take care of the victim, since the victim came from a poor family. she needed the surgery. you paid all of the costs even it wasn't worth not less than 50 million. my sister was stressed&down that she couldn't eat nor doing activities, but all you said was "It's okay. it's me & your dad's problem. please do not be stressed. if you're stressed, then i will too. you don't have to overthink about it. you just have to be safe and more careful next time, got it?". 

You're heartful. Humble. Sometimes annoying, but i love you so much. I know i will never could pay you back of what you've done to me, because it's priceless. I will pay you back by being a better person, a useful person and being the one who will make you proud.

Happy 48th birthday, ibuku sayang!