"Puji Tuhan, Neng. Semoga diberkati selalu. Puji Tuhan, Puji Tuhan... Hati-hati di jalan ya Neng."

Suara mbaknya sampe bergetar. Nangis banget gue. Ditambah lanjut nyetir sendiri di mobil malem-malem, vibes sedihnya ngedukung pol. Kadang, buat gue duit dua puluh ribu hanya sekecil uang buat beli kopi. Malah di beberapa tempat, kopi aja bisa dua-tiga kali lipatnya. Tapi gue suka nggak sadar uang kopi gue bisa segitu berartinya buat orang lain yang mo makan aja mikir dua kali.. gila, langsung berasa egois dan songong banget gue! I don't have a job yet, i'm still financially depending on my parents, i have the luxury untuk gak mikir 2x buat beli makan dan milih mo makan apa, dan baru sadar kok kayaknya frekuensi gue memberi ke orang lain tuh ga sesering gue purchase an overpriced coffee di sbux. Gue kayak disadarkan lagi kalo things we do really matter to other people, the joy of giving to other people is just real.. dan sangat, sangat fulfilling

it took a big leap of faith to let yourself love and be loved. the way i figured it out, love isn't always easy to feel. it's frightening and it's scary. sometimes it turns me to be insecure. it makes me lose my authority over my own emotions. it's a breeding ground for my anxious thoughts and feelings; in a way that it consumes me. it forms a constant battle on my own mind. i wanna run away. i want to keep close. you know he doesn't see you that way. but what if he does? you can't afford to be with someone. maybe i can. you're wasting your time. maybe it takes time. you're being irrational. nothing about love is rational. i don't want to. i don't want to either, but..

someday, when i have kids.. i'd like to teach them one or two things about listening to other people.

first. people will always have opinion about us. sebagian besar dari opini-opini itu semua nggak harus dipikirin dan dijadikan alasan buat kita takut berekspresi. you feel like you wanna dance when you're happy? dance it out. you wanna color your hair blue? go for it. there'll always be people who like you, people who pretend that they like you, and people who just don't. we'll never be happy doing things when we're worrying the whole time thinking about other people's thoughts. eventually, we'll never be happy living our lives. their opinions don't matter, your happiness matter.

second. nggak perlu terlalu sering nanya tentang opini orang. apalagi sampai dijadiin validasi. terlalu banyak nanya pendapat orang perlahan bikin kita ngerasa nggak pernah pede dan berujung susah ngerasa yakin sama pilihan yang kita buat sendiri. don't depend your choice on anyone's opinion, you'll slowly lose yourself.

three. when we worry about other people's judgments too much, we'll become judgmental too. just let people be happy for what they're doing. let them be them and you just do you.

Desember,
kamu sudah pergi,
sudah aku lupakan,
sudah aku ikhlaskan;

lantas dalam rangka apa
percikanmu kembali lagi,
menyapa lagi,
mengirim puisi-puisi tengah malam itu lagi,
menghadirkan kupu itu lagi,
menyanyikan lagu itu lagi
menyandungkan kenangan itu lagi?

Desember,
tak lama lagi
kamu akan pergi
...lagi, kan?

Pengen ngakuin sesuatu yang mungkin sounds embarassing, yang tapi menurut feeling gue sih, kayaknya gue bakal legaaaaa banget kalo mau ngakuinnya.

I wish i could live in Forks or Glasgow. Alasannya? Simple. Karena banyak hujan! They are even considered as the wettest place in their countries, dan gue sangat mencintai hujan. This drought bore me to death.. really. Pengen cepet-cepet musim hujan...

Hujan, menurut para klimatolog mungkin cuma sekedar fenomena alam. Menurut para puitis, dia inspirasi untuk syair-syair barunya. Menurut para melankolis, dia meresonansi kenangan. Menurut sebagian orang, dia itu kesialan, penghambat aktivitas. Menurut para petani, dia anugerah. Menurut para pencinta sinetron, dia penyamar air mata kesedihan. Kayaknya gue masuk ke tipe melankolis. Hujan itu, menurut gue, romantis. I feel bad for them who couldn't feel 'something' in rain. Kayak kata Bob Marley, 'some people feel the rain, others just get wet'. The thing about rain is... gue punya cara tersendiri buat menikmatinya.

Recipe #1

Hujan + sweater + jendela yang kebuka + bantal duduk + secangkir teh panas (i prefer earl grey karena wanginya enak) + good music + (INI YANG PALING PENTING) nikmatin hujannya, biarin pikiran kamu automatically berkontemplasi.

Rain + go somewhere whom anyone can't see you exist + let yourself get wet + scream it + laugh it + cry it + feel it.

Pernah nggak sih ngalamin fase dimana everything seems run perfectly, but empty as well. Keknya semua orang juga pernah deh ya? Hidup gue (hari ini gue lagi pengen manggil diri gue 'gue') kayaknya udah nggak exciting lagi akhir-akhir ini. Semuanya berjalan konstan, ibarat mobil yang nggak berubah laju kecepatannya. Maka terdapat hukum Newton I dalam hidup gue sekarang dimana resultan gaya yang bekerja pada hidup = 0.

anjir.. sotoy abis gue mengkolerasikan realita hidup sama teori physics.
hahahahahaha enek.


Okay, jadi gue pikir i need to put something fresh and new in my life. Some people said i need to find 'someone' that could brighten my life up. Simpelnya.. pacar. Entahlah, gue nggak berpikir itu ide yang bagus, karena gue rasa selama ini punya pacar ataupun engga, hidup gue nggak berubah. Weirdly i even thought that i haven't had a first love yet tho. So, having a relationship with someone ain't guaranteed any changes in my life. Lagipula lagi enjoy begini.

Some people said i need to do everything in my life in a different way. Such as, if you usually brush your teeth with your right hand, change it with your left hand. Take a different path on your way to school. Travel somewhere you have never been gone before. I DID all of those things but none of them significantly matters.

Some people said i need to get out of the routines. So i skipped school. But it didn't thrill me as well. My mum doesn't even care if i skip school.

Some people said i need to put a new activity in my life. So i enrolled an english course where i can meet new people with different ages & different perspectives. But it ended up by meeting an asshole who's underestimating my choice for picking social studies in school. It broke my whole mood.



Kudu gimana ya biar ga ngerasa 'kosong' begini..

Kehidupan dan lika-likunya emang bakal selalu jadi rahasia Tuhan yang kadang nggak bisa dipahamin setiap orang, termasuk aku. Nggak puas dengan nyiptain setiap orang dengan sebegitu unik dan berbedanya, Tuhan ternyata masih ingin bikin manusia bingung dengan alur hidup yang nggak bisa ditebak.

My mom said, "do have a crush who is smarter than you". Simply because he will motivates me to equalize my 'level' with him. I obviously don't want to look dumb when he's babbling about politics, global issues, hottest news, or opinions. Smart people will bring us to a higher level of life. They will widen our perspectives. Smart people makes us have to think smart, think critically, think differently, and think the way they think. They will change us become a smart one too.
My mom proved her words. I experienced a love with a smart guy next to my class back on junior high. He was so clever that he made me think "a smart guy deserve a smart girl too". So i studied hard to make myself worth to be with him. We had a relationship and it was literally one of the best time in my life. He made my whole life went a lot better. Both of us were so ambitious about our academic, so we competed together (although we weren't in the same class). We studied hard so we don't embarass ourselves when one of us made into the top 3 in class while one of us is not. We discussed ideas together. About our idealism, about our opinions about something, about anything. Our teacher always announced the top 3 rank of each class at the end of semester. The top 3 of each class had to stand up in front of the field and received a trophy with proud. I remember we made it together to be the top 3. And since our class was contiguous, we stood next to each other. We congratulated each other, we were proud of each other.

One day i was crying, down, and feeling sooo blue because i failed my storytelling. I only could make it top 10 in province. I texted him that i was disappointed about myself who wasn't good enough compared to the other winners. I felt that i was 'nothing' and I became mad. You know what was he said? He said he was proud of me. He told me not to cry because win or not, he was still gonna be proud of me anyway. The most important part was i worked my ass off to bring the best. And that's how you should be when you do anything in your life; bring the best. You should bring your best in every part of your life, not just in the competition. It became the lesson that i value in my life. I learned so much things from him, and i'm grateful to let him be the (sweet) part of my life :)

Well recently i had a crush with someone like him too hahahaha. I called him 'popok' so when somebody's eavesdropping me babbling about him, they would have no idea who he really is HEHEHEHE i'm sorry boy i don't even know why i should call you 'popok' :)))

We know each other, but we never officially talk. We just simply following each other's socmed account haha yeaaa so sad. I admire him a lot. I love the way he talks. He's one of the bad boys, but still, he never missed his shalat prayers. He's a pious of God. I love to see him go to mosque for dzuhur prayer. I love to see his hair wet by his wudhu. Gosh. I admitted that i'm not a very pious person. I missed my shalat prayer sometimes. And having a crush on him makes me embarrased. I'm not even worth enough to be with someone pious like popok... and i'm disappointed to be 'unworthy'.

But you know what.. perhaps, that would be the perks of having someone who is (adj)-er than you (in a poistive way obviously). You will strive to be on the same level as theirs. Wanting him makes me want to be more pious. Having crush on him makes me more spirited to do shalat prayers.. alhamdulillah. I hope being a pious would be a permanent mark on myself.

I guess the same thing happens on friendship and environments. If we're around the perfumers, we will also get the smell of perfume, right? Be around people with the positiveness, so you'll become one too. I guess Prophet Muhammad was right about it.

Kadang emang gue ngerasa 'nothing' banget sih dibanding temen-temen yang hidupnya superproduktif, yang udah tau where they belong to, yang udah yakin abis sama passion-nya, yang talented abis dan yang prestasinya udah segudang..

couple days ago my mum told me that my sissy cried in front of her. i asked her why, and what my mum said surprised me. "she envied you&your (another) sissy. she felt so jealous sometimes of both of you, how do you always get waved by people you met, how do you have lots of people respect you and how do you easily socialize."

i hate that sometimes i hardly live like a normal teenager who's doing really great on socializing. to be just click and fit with everyone else wherever they are, to make friends on every circles easily, to be confident in front of everybody. i talked to God a lot, saying that i'm sorry for being so disgraceful bout myself. like, EVERYDAY, i blame myself for having low self-esteem, for being an introvert, for being a socially awkward or somehow being a jerk anti-social.

I'm gonna be 17 in less than a month.

God is brilliant and unique. He created diverse creatures so we don't get bored seeing the same version of ourselves on the others'. I get amazed everyday with the diversity He made through people i met (or i just knew). Almost 17 years i live, i met lots of people, but each of them has different habits, different mindsets, different physical appearances, different skills, and also different personalities. Had you have a think about how God is very artsy and particular about creating a person? I had. For example, let us take a look on Jared Leto and my dad (why should it be my dad? because.. i don't know haha!). Jared Leto is a 39 years old with messy hair and eye liner who express himself through rock music and support gay marriage. I can feel his passion, originality and his heart and passion through his song Kings and Queens (30 Seconds to Mars) while my 39 years old dad had his hair cut routine, express himself through drawing architecture sketch, listen to Pance's music, and strictly disapprove LGBT.

I also compared myself a lot with my sister, Ajeng. Everytime i did, i always felt that i was the downgrade version of her. I wasn't as sociable as her, as friendly as her, and as attractive as her. I envied her many times. I always wondered how does she always succeed making friend easily and comfort anyone who's being around her. She always happen to be a fun person to converse with, while i need weeks to can talk freely or non-awkward chat with them. It just felt sucks. But well, time flies and i've grown up. As i becoming a teenager and observe a lot, i found myself not as a downgrade version of my sister, but a whole different person. It's not that i am less this and less that if compared to my sister (or everyone), it's just simply because i'm different. And i know that i don't have to worry, because we are different each other. I found that since i observe my sister's habits. My mother and i agreed that she always doesn't like to be just at home (re: ga betahan). She spends her most free time with her friends and and lively being around people than being alone. She always feels insecure when she's alone. Concerts, parties, festivals and mall are her thingy, while it's definetely not mine. I feel comfort and peace to go alone for movies or hanging-out by myself while reading a book on a coffee shop, while my sister thinks it's idiot and so-anti-social.


And then my curiosity leads me to another research.

According to Carl Gustav Jung, there are 3 types of people based on their personalities. There are the extroverts; the ones that known as the outgoing, expressive and sociable. They're identical to be known as the social butterflies and easily make friends. I'm sure everyone of us has find out that in every our friends circle or environment, there will always be a central group or a 'center' person that catches everyone the most. The group whom hold a big influence in a group and tend to be the dominance. In my case, that central group held by a bunch of 'it' girls and the 'it' boys. The extros (that's how i called the extroverts) are so expressive that they let everyone know what they feel through verbals. They also love to speak rather than silence and being around of people rather than be alone. These extros just naturally feel lively when being around hustle. Also, working in a group and interacting with people are what they prefer beside working alone and 1:1 interaction. Those characteristics are my sister's thingy.


The other type is the introverts. This type of people are only about 30% of the world population, according to my research on Google, and I guess my eldest sister is one of them. Take a look on our class. I'm pretty sure there's at least one of our friends in class who tend to do everything alone, or a loner, or it's just they don't talk too much. The intros has the opposite personalities compared to the extros. Yes, the intros are more likely to be alone and find peace on it. They feel insecure for being around of people or crowds, and tend to express their feelings through writings. Many people think that these people are anti-social or worse, the freaks. However, it's not. It's not that they're shy or have a less skill of communication either. Being an introvert doesn't make them anti-social. They just have a different way to socialize and really careful to let things go out from their mouths. Yes, they think a lot before they speak. Also, the intros are more likely to be busy observe people, that's why they silent much. They're naturally born as the thinkers. They listen more while the extros more likely to speak more. Thay's why the intros are better listeners. I put more interest on the intros. On many cases the intros just surprised me by their hidden skills or story. I had one friend that people known her as a loner named H. My friends and i thought she was so mysterious. Soon, we were suprised to discover she's incredibly have an amazing skill on guitar! Or my other friend named A who's sooo private and talkless who is actually a book author.


The last type is ambivert. Literally, ambivert sits between the extros and the intros. At one time, they find peace in silence, but on the other time, they just can't stand the loneliness. They spend time and okay to be at home or to be alone, but when there are parties, they possibly become party-animals just like the extros. They have lots of friends, but also fine to be alone. Sometimes they like being around the crowds and sometimes they don't. On some circle friends they're known as the talkactive ones while ob the other circle people see them as a loner. The ambis are known as the easy going and the moody ones. They sometimes can be the extros and later transform to be the intros.

I find out myself as an ambivert who has a dominance introversion tendency. My personality changes depends on my environment. And i can't blame myself for having difficulty to change it. Being around my little family, i'm a very talkactive, expressful, crazy and confident person. I talk so much in front of them and don't even feel any worry to be disliked by them. I express a lot in front of them. When i'm mad, my face express real madness. I make silly faces in front of them. I threw out opinions about anything in front of them when it goes to discussion. I dance crazily and don't even care about how sucks my dance looks like. In my case, being an ambi makes me prefer to be only friends with the people who comfort me. When my intro side come out, i'm becoming such a loner, private, who prefer to read a book on a library by myself (out of the crowds). When my extro side come out, i'm suddenly becoming the most cheerful, active, and expressful person who prefer to be in the hippiest place or crowds such as mall or concert. Or when both of the sides mixed up, i'm becoming the one who reading a book by myself in the crowd coffee shop (it has to be crowd because at that time i don't want to be really alone). That's why the ambis like me known as the moody(s).

Here's what funny. I'm naturally selective about friends. It's not that i'm picky, for God's sake, it's just come naturally. I'm naturally all-out when being around a person i comfort with, and i'm naturally awkward when being around people/person that misfits me. Who misfits me? The one who's 'too much' for everything. The ones who exposed too much, talk too much and don't let me get that opportunity to talk back, the ones who spelled too much dirty words. Ah, and the one who don't ask me back so i always should have to be the one who ask question that lead to a conversation, avoiding silence-awkward situation. They literally intimidate me. But my bad is, when i feel intimidated on that first meeting, i automatically ignore or worry that person to be part of my life. Okay you may be confused at this time, so let me get you an example.

For example, i have two circles of friends, A & B. I feel comfortable to be around my A circle's friends. When i feel comfort, i'm all out. I'm becoming the most talkactive person, the most out-going and the most friendly person around them. I'm feeling more alive being around them and my A's friends see me as the sociable person. Assume that i don't fit the B friends but unfortunately the situation makes me has to be around them. So in B circle, i'm becoming more private and naturally build a bridge so they don't know the true crazy me. They know me as a private, don't talk too much or worse, arrogance person. But the bridge just built by itself. I'd love to hug A friends passionately while i feel awkward even to just hold my B friends' hands. Sometimes it's funny to hear my B friends said that i don't talk too much, while on the inside i know that i'm one of the most talkactive person on the A circles.

Note this. I don't hate the ones who misfit me. It's not that i ignore them to be friends with me either. It's just feels harder and scared to be friends with them for me. We don't have the same vision or principles and i think it may took a longer process to can crack my shell in front of them. It's just.. i expect people who has different values with me would hurt me if i crack my shell out. That's why i tend to be private in front them. So i don't get hurt. Well maybe it's my bad that i can't be careless to be myself in front of people who don't fit me. It's my bad that i let my environment defines me and changes me. It's my bad that i rather to be not me than being hurt by people. Maybe that's why after all this time, i called my self as a determinism. Yes. Determinism; what happen on me is caused by my environment.

That's me. I'm an ambivert. I'm the one who wants to be exposed or stand out more than the others at one time, but want to hide away from the crowds at the other time. I'm sociably awkward in new environment when there's no one i know accompany me, but when i feel you're close enough to me, i'll crack my shells and probably be the center of circle. I have lots of friends, but i do have a small amount of best friends that REALLY know me. If you succeed to comfort me, you may be pleasured to walk through my bridge. And by 'walk through my bridge' means you may be the luckiest person that i share all my true love and i care with in my life, i promise. I may be very private but I will do everything to people that i love. Some people may see me as an extrovert and some people may see me as an introvert and that may confused you; but that's okay. It is what it is. I wasn't pretending to be anybody else. Being intros and being extros are parts of myself that comes naturally. I can't even fix it so please, don't blame me for it. I feel insecure being around of people that i don't know when those people has already known each other. I depend my personality on my environment but swear, i tried my whole life to be happy and embrace wherever i'm around with. I got power from the loneliness, i got peace on it, but i on the other side i just can't stand being alone.

It's hard at the beginning to admit that i am one of those kind of people. But as i admit my bad, i figured myself out even more. I know myself a lot better, appreciate it, and not just try my best to live it, but also embrace it.

So, what kind is your personality?