little-ature: random

puzzle

11:34 PM

you thought you knew a person so much until you realized; you knew nothing at all.

kata-kata itu nggak pernah relate sama gue sampai belakangan ini gue alami sendiri. ever since it happened, i often question myself every single day; do i really know who (a person) is? what makes them become who they are? what they have gone through?

apparently, years and years living so close with somebody doesn't mean you really know who they are. what they're made of. hidup tuh kok penuh kejutan ya? menimbang bagaimana pandangan gue terhadap seseorang bisa berubah seketika, seratus delapan puluh derajat, ketika dihadapkan fakta-fakta yang baru hadir di kehidupan gue.. gue nggak akan bisa melihat seseorang dengan cara yang sama lagi. some were the cold truths that hard to chew. they slap you right in the face. sometimes.. not only they changed the way you look at that person, they changed you too. life has been such a puzzle i keep trying to put pieces by pieces. turns out; every person is like that too.

p.s: you might not know who your closest ones really are. your family is not an exception.

random

sometimes you just gotta dance it out

12:01 AM

beberapa minggu terakhir ini gue ngerasa gloomy abis with all these stuffs going on; proposal skripsi, entry data tiap hari, the baking responsibilities (yes gue jadi jalanin le maudre by the way), overthinking about how this pandemic affects my whole plan and possible career in the future, also the feaaarrrr and the anxiety of getting older in two fucking days... i just fucking hate birthdays. except for the presents (yang sebenernya jarang gue dapet juga sih? my family & i rarely celebrate birthdays). i just never had a thing with birthday.

i sleep at 2am and wake up at 10am everyday. so not me. so not motivated. gue bener bener butuh diri gue yang selalu bangun pagi di kosan trus ke perpusat, ngerjain apa yang bisa gue cicil se-early mungkin dari submission date atau simply baca buku / pretending baca buku, denger lagu, me-time. instead, gue malah procrastinating.

however, this time, this time.. I'M REALLY DONEEE ngerasa unenergized, penat dan exhausted mikirin dan ngejalanin hari-hari gue dengan gak happy! i need no more dullness in my life. my life is too precious for living such a lazy, unmotivated life like that. gue mau seneng, gue mau ngerasa alive, gue mau bebas, gue mau LEPAAAS, gue mau ke pantai, gue mau teriak sampe serak!

gue tau gue ga bisa ngelakuin 2 hal yang terakhir itu di situasi kayak gini. tapi lo tau ga sih, kalo ternyata refreshing your playlist and dancing to your favorite, happy songs turn out bisa bikin gue just as happy, i mean GENUINELY HAPPY that your body and energy filled by these pure enjoyment???

gila, ternyata udah selama itu gue ga ngerasa genuinely happy kayak gini! my skill in dancing is questionable, but i danced for 2 hours long in my bedroom (with my door locked) happily, sooooo lively, excitedly!!! i remember the moment i danced this happy was when i fell in love with a boy in high school and when the last exam in the 5th semester ended (which was, if i'm not mistaken, haptun), under the influence :))

gosh, what did i do with my life?

I SHOULD'VE LIVED MY LIFE LIKE THIS THE ENTIRE TIME! being so energized and alive and excited. don't get me wrong; emang gak rasional kalo gue memaksa diri gue untuk merasa selalu happy. tapi di saat gue emang lagi happy, harusnya gue bener-bener relish the feeling of being truly and genuinely happy! kayaknya gue terlalu banyak melewatkan momen-momen bahagia gue for granted (?), lewat begitu aja. lagian momen-momen bahagia di hidup gue yang deserve to be danced out harusnya gak cuma pas gue lagi jatuh cinta atau ujian beres aja gak sih? i should've dance my life out!

anyway. sejujurnya gue gak tau arah pembicaraan gue kemana sih. terlebih gue ngetik ini sambil sibuk goyang di kursi plus nyanyi Mixtape 2003-nya The Academic,. perhaps i'm just trying to say: when you're feeling dull and exhausted and your life gets messy.. sometimes you just gotta dance it out.

p.s: this playlist contains my go-to songs to dance (awkwardly). it helped me. maybe it could help you too

random

23 juli

6:56 PM

hari anak nasional somehow selalu bikin gue sedih dan mellow. gue selalu berangan-angan bisa merayakan hari anak dengan sesuatu yang membuat gue bahagia. mengenang lagu anak-anak yang gue suka jaman kecil: cinta untuk mama, album-album sherina dan tasya. film anak-anak yang gue tonton jaman kecil: petualangan sherina, joshua oh joshua, children of heaven. reminisce memori gue di masa kecil, temen-temen gue dulu, cerita lucu pas kecil. instead, yang dibrought up tiap tanggal 23 juli adalah data kekerasan pada anak atau landmark cases kayak kasus pilu yang mengorbankan arie hanggara. bukannya gue ignorant dan berusaha menutup mata akan realita (because that's how it really is), tapi gue pengen sekaliii aja merayakan hari anak nasional dengan bahagia, tanpa diasosiasikan dengan hal yang bikin gue pilu dan sedih. dari tahun ke tahun kok ya tiap hari anak bawaan gue ngumpat "some people just don't deserve kids" doang

music

je ne sais quoi

11:16 PM

there's a certain je ne sais quoi in every verse of this song

the song itself is just effortlessly beautiful, soulful & makes me emotional in a way that it hurts me.. but also makes me feel warm

i have a few interpretations of the lyrics, yet i still have no clue how should i really feel about it... or perhaps some things are just not meant to be figured out

random

current feelings

12:45 AM

startin' to miss seeing my friends, college, waking up early to go to library (gosh i miss perpusat sooo much), makanan kutek yang ga ada gizinya, kangen latihan prapid.... (iya praper engga). kangen nugas di sbux kelapa dua setelah makan soto di sebelahnya. kangen naik krl! kangen ke gondangdia cuma buat makan gudeg --satu-satunya gudeg jogja yang acceptable dan wuenak (iya harus gitu ngomongnya, karena SEENAK ITU) di lidah gue. kangen es kopi susu keluarga. kangen ayam goreng mas agus... kangen ngejelajah kantin fakultas lain. kangen keliling-keliling ui. kangen kehidupan normal.

di satu sisi, kangen banget sama rutinitas sehari-hari gue sebelum situasi quarantine ini. pengen banget cepet berakhir. as this situation brings so much uncertainty in my life & my future, especially during this last year of college.. tapi di satu sisi lain, gue ngerasa 'nggak siap' juga ngehadapin gimana caranya adaptasi dan bounce back ke kehidupan nyata.

:-(

random

7:39 AM

i wish i could say thank you in person to alexander desplat for his music changed my life

:')

random

tired 24/7

1:10 AM

can't wait to end this semester in another two months.

life has been such a never-ending roller coaster.

late night thoughts

00.16

12:17 AM

as i'm growing older, i realized that being in a relationship isn't always about love and lust and happy things. i was so naive back then. took some time for me to understand that there are major differences between being in love and being in a relationship. being attached: it's about commitment, letting someone live into your boundaries and contribute in every decision you make in your life, to bear each other's vision, traits, lifestyle, perspective, and values. those things aren't always easy to be accepted. i was taught that the idea of being attached with someone is overrated; it's deliberating. people taught me how to avoid, refuse, or end a relationship; but nobody taught how to unlove and unfeel things.