Do you know why people like violence? It is because it feels good. Humans find violence deeply satisfying. But remove the satisfaction, and the act becomes... hollow.

"Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who's in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It's like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven't seen in a long time."

- Haruki Murakami, on Kafka on the Shore.

I exist as I am, that is enough -- Walt Whitman

Ian: I don't believe in luck. I do believe we've known each other since forever, though.
Sofi: Really?
Ian: Yeah. You know how? When the big bang happened, all the atoms in the universe, they were all smashed together into one little dot that exploded outward. So my atoms and your atoms were certainly together then, and, who knows, probably smashed together several times in the last 13.7 billion years. So my atoms have known your atoms.My atoms have always loved your atoms.

A: and what's so wrong with living in a dream world?
M: well, one day you have to wake up

do what makes you happy & let people do what make them happy.

"Ga ada manusia yang sempurna ya, orang yang baik sama kita belum tentu ga bakal jahat, dan yang jahat belum tentu ga baik."

'Kita memang berbeda, tapi sama dalam cinta' - Soe Hok Gie, tentang pluralisme.

God is brilliant and unique. He created diverse creatures so we don't get bored seeing the same version of ourselves on the others'. I get amazed everyday with the diversity He made through people i met (or i just knew). Almost 17 years i live, i met lots of people, but each of them has different habits, different mindsets, different physical appearances, different skills, and also different personalities. Had you have a think about how God is very artsy and particular about creating a person? I had. For example, let us take a look on Jared Leto and my dad (why should it be my dad? because.. i don't know haha!). Jared Leto is a 39 years old with messy hair and eye liner who express himself through rock music and support gay marriage. I can feel his passion, originality and his heart and passion through his song Kings and Queens (30 Seconds to Mars) while my 39 years old dad had his hair cut routine, express himself through drawing architecture sketch, listen to Pance's music, and strictly disapprove LGBT.

I also compared myself a lot with my sister, Ajeng. Everytime i did, i always felt that i was the downgrade version of her. I wasn't as sociable as her, as friendly as her, and as attractive as her. I envied her many times. I always wondered how does she always succeed making friend easily and comfort anyone who's being around her. She always happen to be a fun person to converse with, while i need weeks to can talk freely or non-awkward chat with them. It just felt sucks. But well, time flies and i've grown up. As i becoming a teenager and observe a lot, i found myself not as a downgrade version of my sister, but a whole different person. It's not that i am less this and less that if compared to my sister (or everyone), it's just simply because i'm different. And i know that i don't have to worry, because we are different each other. I found that since i observe my sister's habits. My mother and i agreed that she always doesn't like to be just at home (re: ga betahan). She spends her most free time with her friends and and lively being around people than being alone. She always feels insecure when she's alone. Concerts, parties, festivals and mall are her thingy, while it's definetely not mine. I feel comfort and peace to go alone for movies or hanging-out by myself while reading a book on a coffee shop, while my sister thinks it's idiot and so-anti-social.


And then my curiosity leads me to another research.

According to Carl Gustav Jung, there are 3 types of people based on their personalities. There are the extroverts; the ones that known as the outgoing, expressive and sociable. They're identical to be known as the social butterflies and easily make friends. I'm sure everyone of us has find out that in every our friends circle or environment, there will always be a central group or a 'center' person that catches everyone the most. The group whom hold a big influence in a group and tend to be the dominance. In my case, that central group held by a bunch of 'it' girls and the 'it' boys. The extros (that's how i called the extroverts) are so expressive that they let everyone know what they feel through verbals. They also love to speak rather than silence and being around of people rather than be alone. These extros just naturally feel lively when being around hustle. Also, working in a group and interacting with people are what they prefer beside working alone and 1:1 interaction. Those characteristics are my sister's thingy.


The other type is the introverts. This type of people are only about 30% of the world population, according to my research on Google, and I guess my eldest sister is one of them. Take a look on our class. I'm pretty sure there's at least one of our friends in class who tend to do everything alone, or a loner, or it's just they don't talk too much. The intros has the opposite personalities compared to the extros. Yes, the intros are more likely to be alone and find peace on it. They feel insecure for being around of people or crowds, and tend to express their feelings through writings. Many people think that these people are anti-social or worse, the freaks. However, it's not. It's not that they're shy or have a less skill of communication either. Being an introvert doesn't make them anti-social. They just have a different way to socialize and really careful to let things go out from their mouths. Yes, they think a lot before they speak. Also, the intros are more likely to be busy observe people, that's why they silent much. They're naturally born as the thinkers. They listen more while the extros more likely to speak more. Thay's why the intros are better listeners. I put more interest on the intros. On many cases the intros just surprised me by their hidden skills or story. I had one friend that people known her as a loner named H. My friends and i thought she was so mysterious. Soon, we were suprised to discover she's incredibly have an amazing skill on guitar! Or my other friend named A who's sooo private and talkless who is actually a book author.


The last type is ambivert. Literally, ambivert sits between the extros and the intros. At one time, they find peace in silence, but on the other time, they just can't stand the loneliness. They spend time and okay to be at home or to be alone, but when there are parties, they possibly become party-animals just like the extros. They have lots of friends, but also fine to be alone. Sometimes they like being around the crowds and sometimes they don't. On some circle friends they're known as the talkactive ones while ob the other circle people see them as a loner. The ambis are known as the easy going and the moody ones. They sometimes can be the extros and later transform to be the intros.

I find out myself as an ambivert who has a dominance introversion tendency. My personality changes depends on my environment. And i can't blame myself for having difficulty to change it. Being around my little family, i'm a very talkactive, expressful, crazy and confident person. I talk so much in front of them and don't even feel any worry to be disliked by them. I express a lot in front of them. When i'm mad, my face express real madness. I make silly faces in front of them. I threw out opinions about anything in front of them when it goes to discussion. I dance crazily and don't even care about how sucks my dance looks like. In my case, being an ambi makes me prefer to be only friends with the people who comfort me. When my intro side come out, i'm becoming such a loner, private, who prefer to read a book on a library by myself (out of the crowds). When my extro side come out, i'm suddenly becoming the most cheerful, active, and expressful person who prefer to be in the hippiest place or crowds such as mall or concert. Or when both of the sides mixed up, i'm becoming the one who reading a book by myself in the crowd coffee shop (it has to be crowd because at that time i don't want to be really alone). That's why the ambis like me known as the moody(s).

Here's what funny. I'm naturally selective about friends. It's not that i'm picky, for God's sake, it's just come naturally. I'm naturally all-out when being around a person i comfort with, and i'm naturally awkward when being around people/person that misfits me. Who misfits me? The one who's 'too much' for everything. The ones who exposed too much, talk too much and don't let me get that opportunity to talk back, the ones who spelled too much dirty words. Ah, and the one who don't ask me back so i always should have to be the one who ask question that lead to a conversation, avoiding silence-awkward situation. They literally intimidate me. But my bad is, when i feel intimidated on that first meeting, i automatically ignore or worry that person to be part of my life. Okay you may be confused at this time, so let me get you an example.

For example, i have two circles of friends, A & B. I feel comfortable to be around my A circle's friends. When i feel comfort, i'm all out. I'm becoming the most talkactive person, the most out-going and the most friendly person around them. I'm feeling more alive being around them and my A's friends see me as the sociable person. Assume that i don't fit the B friends but unfortunately the situation makes me has to be around them. So in B circle, i'm becoming more private and naturally build a bridge so they don't know the true crazy me. They know me as a private, don't talk too much or worse, arrogance person. But the bridge just built by itself. I'd love to hug A friends passionately while i feel awkward even to just hold my B friends' hands. Sometimes it's funny to hear my B friends said that i don't talk too much, while on the inside i know that i'm one of the most talkactive person on the A circles.

Note this. I don't hate the ones who misfit me. It's not that i ignore them to be friends with me either. It's just feels harder and scared to be friends with them for me. We don't have the same vision or principles and i think it may took a longer process to can crack my shell in front of them. It's just.. i expect people who has different values with me would hurt me if i crack my shell out. That's why i tend to be private in front them. So i don't get hurt. Well maybe it's my bad that i can't be careless to be myself in front of people who don't fit me. It's my bad that i let my environment defines me and changes me. It's my bad that i rather to be not me than being hurt by people. Maybe that's why after all this time, i called my self as a determinism. Yes. Determinism; what happen on me is caused by my environment.

That's me. I'm an ambivert. I'm the one who wants to be exposed or stand out more than the others at one time, but want to hide away from the crowds at the other time. I'm sociably awkward in new environment when there's no one i know accompany me, but when i feel you're close enough to me, i'll crack my shells and probably be the center of circle. I have lots of friends, but i do have a small amount of best friends that REALLY know me. If you succeed to comfort me, you may be pleasured to walk through my bridge. And by 'walk through my bridge' means you may be the luckiest person that i share all my true love and i care with in my life, i promise. I may be very private but I will do everything to people that i love. Some people may see me as an extrovert and some people may see me as an introvert and that may confused you; but that's okay. It is what it is. I wasn't pretending to be anybody else. Being intros and being extros are parts of myself that comes naturally. I can't even fix it so please, don't blame me for it. I feel insecure being around of people that i don't know when those people has already known each other. I depend my personality on my environment but swear, i tried my whole life to be happy and embrace wherever i'm around with. I got power from the loneliness, i got peace on it, but i on the other side i just can't stand being alone.

It's hard at the beginning to admit that i am one of those kind of people. But as i admit my bad, i figured myself out even more. I know myself a lot better, appreciate it, and not just try my best to live it, but also embrace it.

So, what kind is your personality?

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Things we did.
Memories we left.
Words you said.
Smile you gifted.
Happiness we share.
Sadness we cried.
Time we passed.
Tears i rushed.
Dreams we dreamed.
Prayer we spelled.
Love you presented.
Stars you gleam.
Songs we sang.
Scars you remarked.
Loudness on the silence you made.
The quality times.
The laughter. Happiness. Careness.

and the
love.

I treasured.

Have you ever feel like
that you're feeling some butterflies
fly in your tummy
when you look a cute guy's face
that haunting you all nights

 Have you ever feel like
that someone finally fills your heart for the first time
and you seem heard his voice
on his message.

Have you ever feel like
that looking your crush face
all the time
seems like your new hobby

Have you ever feel like
loving a guy into the smallest particles on him
His eyes, his smile, his nails, his big hands
his strong arms, gasps between his teeth,
his hair
you have no idea why did he come to you
or when did he finally stole your heart
and why did you love him
You just loved him.


Have you ever feel like
that you're the loneliest person
around a lot of people

because i have.

Have you ever feel like
that you're the forgotten peson
around a lot of people

because i have.

Have you ever feel like
that God tests you
because days seems become harder

because i have.

Have you ever feel like
that you're being so envy to everyone
that smarter than you
prettier, smarter
and humbler than you
and you just hated yourself

because i have.

Have you ever feel like
you wished that you weren't born to be you,
yourself,
you just wanted to be somebody else

because i have.

Have you ever feel like
that you're imitating someone's act
talking like the way they talk
walking like the way they walk
dressing like the way they dress


and someday
you just have no idea who you are anymore that time

because i have.

Have you ever feel like
you've become so depressed
loneliness was your new friend
you were just being so melancholy-thingy
you were just loving sad songs
you cursed yourself

because i have.

 Have you ever feel like
you're just become so frustrated
tears rushing down your face
in the middle of the night
nobody knows.

 because i have.

Life knocked you down.
 And you were just thinking
can i?
can i face it?
 You just didn't know what to do.
Or who you can trust
or to who you can release those feelings.
It's all blurry.

You just didn't know
how could you become so melancholy
so sad
and your eyes excrete tears
when a guy broke your heart
you never felt that feelings
you felt so stupid.
 foolish.

there will be no end
or when these feelings are solved
because they will come to you
and the only thing you can do is just
live it
face it
just so you know
this is how adolescents life like.