random

sometimes you just gotta dance it out

12:01 AM

beberapa minggu terakhir ini gue ngerasa gloomy abis with all these stuffs going on; proposal skripsi, entry data tiap hari, the baking responsibilities (yes gue jadi jalanin le maudre by the way), overthinking about how this pandemic affects my whole plan and possible career in the future, also the feaaarrrr and the anxiety of getting older in two fucking days...  i just fucking hate birthdays. except for the presents (yang sebenernya jarang gue dapet juga sih? my family & i rarely celebrate birthdays). i just never had a thing with birthday. 

i sleep at 2am and wake up at 10am everyday. so not me. so not motivated. gue bener bener butuh diri gue yang selalu bangun pagi di kosan trus ke perpusat, ngerjain apa yang bisa gue cicil se-early mungkin dari submission date atau simply baca buku / pretending baca buku, denger lagu, me-time. instead, gue malah procrastinating.

however, this time, this time.. I'M REALLY DONEEE ngerasa unenergized, penat dan exhausted mikirin dan ngejalanin hari-hari gue dengan gak happy! i need no more dullness in my life. my life is too precious for living such a lazy, unmotivated life like that. gue mau seneng, gue mau ngerasa alive, gue mau bebas, gue mau LEPAAAS, gue mau ke pantai, gue mau teriak sampe serak!

gue tau gue ga bisa ngelakuin 2 hal yang terakhir itu di situasi kayak gini. tapi lo tau ga sih, kalo ternyata refreshing your playlist and dancing to your favorite, happy songs turn out bisa bikin gue just as happy, i mean GENUINELY HAPPY that your body and energy filled by these pure enjoyment??? 

gila, ternyata udah selama itu gue ga ngerasa genuinely happy kayak gini! my skill in dancing is questionable, but i danced for 2 hours long in my bedroom (with my door locked) happily, sooooo lively, excitedly!!! i remember the moment i danced this happy was when i fell in love with a boy in high school and when the last exam in the 5th semester ended (which was, if i'm not mistaken, haptun), under the influence :))

gosh, what did i do with my life?

I SHOULD'VE LIVED MY LIFE LIKE THIS THE ENTIRE TIME! being so energized and alive and excited. don't get me wrong; emang gak rasional kalo gue memaksa diri gue untuk merasa selalu happy. tapi di saat gue emang lagi happy, harusnya gue bener-bener relish the feeling of being truly and genuinely happy! kayaknya gue terlalu banyak melewatkan momen-momen bahagia gue for granted (?), lewat begitu aja. lagian momen-momen bahagia di hidup gue yang deserve to be danced out harusnya gak cuma pas gue lagi jatuh cinta atau ujian beres aja gak sih? i should've dance my life out! 

anyway. sejujurnya gue gak tau arah pembicaraan gue kemana sih. terlebih gue ngetik ini sambil sibuk goyang di kursi plus nyanyi Mixtape 2003-nya The Academic,. perhaps i'm just trying to say: when you're feeling dull and exhausted and your life gets messy.. sometimes you just gotta dance it out.

p.s: this playlist contains my go-to songs to dance (awkwardly). it helped me. maybe it could help you too

so today

le maudré

9:48 PM



hobi baru gue, baking, membuat gue berkeinginan buat ngebisnisis kue-kue buatan gue biar bisa dicicipin orang. gue excited banget! meskipun sejujurnya, ketimbang bikin kuenya, right at this moment gue lebih excited ngebangun brandnya. udah lama banget nggak pegang photoshop... kangen. photoshop & i have always been in a love-hate relationship. gue benci banget pernah jadi budak desain, tapi di saat yang sama gue cinta banget ngoprek-ngoprek elemen gambar, font, dan warna, hingga jadi kesatuan yang menurut gue oke diliat. i could spend hours religiously in front of my laptop, ignoring lunch and dinner, sampe materi virtual itu udah cukup memuaskan (buat gue). anyway, sejujurnya gue nggak tahu apakah dagangan gue ini akan berjalan sebagaimana mestinya atau engga... nggak tau juga apakah bahkan akan start atau ngga... nggak tau juga inti dari post ini apa... mungkin sebenernya gue cuma mau curhat aja kalo gue baru sadar, gue kangen berkutat dengan photoshop! gue selalu suka ngutak-ngatik elemen visual. gambar di atas adalah pilihan-pilihan avatar yang gue buat buat le maudré, merek yang akan gue pakai buat barang dagangan gue. gue sebenernya tau gambar yang mau gue pake, tapi gue seneng aja ngecollage-innya karena ternyata visually pleasing (buat gue). anyway, apa arti la maudre? it might sounds french (for the "le"), but it's actually not. maudré doesn't have any meaning. i just love its name. it reminds me of madré, bahasa Spanyol-nya ibu, tapi gue lebih suka pronunciation "mow-dre". pronunciation maudré juga sama dengan "modre" dalam bahasa Slovenia yang berarti "biru". do you think i should really start the business? ada nggak ya yang mau nyicipin kue buatan gue? 

photos

cooking cooking!

8:22 PM

selama quarantine ini, gue perhatiin orang-orang jadi punya hobi baru. kalo lo selama di rumah aja ngapain sih? yang paling sering gue lihat dari instagram sih, orang-orang mendadak hobi olahraga (paling sering sih gue liat ngikutin challengenya chloe ting), berkebun, sama masak. hmmm.. di antara tiga itu, gue latah cobain semuanya :)))) hoho

berkebun? check! gue udah panen stroberi, sawi, kangkung, trus sekarang lagi nunggu timun ama tomat berbuah. anyway, gue ngerasa sawi dan kangkung dari kebun gue (yang sebenernya balkon sih bukan kebun), jauh lebih fresh dan enak ketimbang beli di mang sayur. sumpah, rasanya beda banget! tiap gue bantu mama nyiram tanaman dan merhatiin progres tiap-tiap tanaman, rasanya sayaaang banget. selalu mikir kayak, "wow, kamu tuh beneran makhluk hidup ya." hehe 

olahraga? check! gue aja masih menganggap gue tertarik olahraga tuh sebuah mukjizat. i've never been sporty, apalagi sejak masuk SMA yang santai banget lari aja bisa cule, sembunyi di semak-semak deket UKS sampe kabur ke kantin. gue cukup tertampar sih waktu dokter gue bilang nyeri dada yang lumayan sering gue alamin tiba-tiba (dan bikin parno) tuh major reasonnya karena gue jarang olahraga. as soon as the exam was over, gue langsung beli yoga mat dan mulai workout program. hmmm mari kita lihat sampe kapan gue akan konsisten olahraga :-) (((padahal sore ini aja skip))))

masak? check! orang-orang sekitar gue pasti tau banget kalo gue sukaaa banget makan (enak) dan demen banget ngomentarin makanan. akhirnya, selama quarantine (dan gabut post-UAS) ini, gue juga memulai karir baru di dunia kuliner selain jadi tukang kritik, yakni mulai bereksperimen juga dalam masak-memasak. ternyata beli bahan makanan sendiri, masak sarapan-makan siang-makan malem sendiri, sampe coba bikin kue sendiri tuh asik dan memberi efek terapeutik bagi gue. 

karena gue songong dan overproud dan ini platform gue, gue mau share mahakarya-mahakarya tangan emas gue dalam dunia kuliner selama quarantine.


Earl Grey Yogurt Cake


gue gak boong.... rasanya enak banget....
by the way foto yang di bawah ini first attempt dan agak fail in terms of taste dan texture! karena gak puas, gue akhirnya coba bikin lagi dengan takaran yang udah gue sesuain dengan rasa & tekstur yang gue inginkan.


Cae Sal
my cae sal looks so colorful that it reminds me of summer.
ya sebenenrya kaga ada unsur masaknya sih di sini. cuma masuk-masukin sayur & dressing doang, voila
(minus crouton)


Lavender Pudding with Edible Flower
sori ga nemu foto unfilterednya




Cauliflower Rice Bokkeumbap


Tacooooooo




Another Earl Grey Cake, yang ini berhasil dan enaaaa banget


sandwich-segala-dimasukin
p.s: canned food sucks




Another salad
not sure about what this salad really is. gue pakenya balsamic vinaigrette dressing kesukaan gue, tapi kakak gue maksain masukin truffle mayo & french dressing. au ah. yang penting enak.


ngapain lagi ya enaknya?

so today

little-ature turns 10

2:36 PM

this year, this blog celebrate its 10th anniversary. agak surprised gimana akhirnya gue end up konsisten nulis di platform ini (meskipun kadang gue maki maki karena ga develop) setelah berkali-kali ganti sejak pertama kali gue blogging di kelas empat sd. mulai dari blogger, wordpress, tumblr, sampe blogger lagi karena sakit hati ngejar tumblarity (there used to be this thing called 'tumblarity' which determine how popular you are on tumblr based on ur post frequency, likes, and share, which then resulted in a vicious popularity contest). turns out i wasn't happy with the existence of tumblarity, karena jatohnya gue jadi 'maksain' nulis, bukan nulis apa yang gue suka dan apa yang ingin gue tulis. then i decided to close my account. now the tumblarity has gone, gue udah terlanjur sayang ninggalin 'jejak' gue di sini. technically, blog ini udah jadi saksi mata gue growing up dari gue umur 11 sampe gue umur 21, dari gue masih pre-teen sampe gue udah legally considered as adult, dari gue bau matahari pulang sekolah naik angkot, upgrade ke bau rexona teen, sampe bau fifth avenue elizabeth arden, dari doyan sepedaan dan momotoran keliling kompleks sampe akhirnya gue bisa nyetir sendiri sampe jawa. dari gue experiencing first love di smp, first major heartbreak di sma sampe gue skeptis sama konsep exclusive relationship yang deliberating di kuliah. some things changed. some things didn't.

nggak jarang gue malu sama diri gue sendiri kalo liat archived post dari 2010. some things i wrote are cringe worthy, yes. tapi gimanapun betapa alaynya gue jaman dulu, those old posts make me feel like some part of me have never changed. dari tulisan-tulisan dulu, gue melihat di diri gue sekarang, masih ada bagian dari diri gue 10 tahun lalu. tulisan-tulisan gue dulu juga mengingatkan gue ke momen-momen kecil yang baru sadar pernah gue alamin waktu gue baca lagi. bisa jadi apa yang gue tulis sekarang tentang perasaan-perasaan gue, pengalaman yang gue laluin, hidup gue, jadi bahan refleksi diri gue di umur 30 (dan seterusnya), jadi bahan ketawaan gue sambil mikir "gila alay banget gue 10/20/30 taon lalu!" (if this such thing still exist). jadi bahan cerita gue ke anak-anak gue juga mungkin? my life are filled with precious moments, experiences and stories which i hope i could eternalized through my writings here. tulisan-tulisan gue di tahun 2014 mungkin alay mampus karena major heartbreak yang gue alamin. hence, my feelings were valid. dan lagi, gue nulis juga untuk diri gue sendiri. (((kalo ada yang baca terus cringe, maklumin aja ya)))

dear, blog. i said my old posts remind me of how a part of me has never changed. but the way i figured it out, the change itself actually isn't really something that we need to be afraid of. it's not a bad thing either. change is an undeniable process of life. my dreams have changed a lot compared to what i've dreamed of 10 years--even 2 years ago (and it might change too in a few years, months or even minutes, and that's ok!). my perspective about the concept of friendship has changed. the way i see things in life have also changed. i begin to see myself as a working progress, thus i accept myself for changing. lagian hidup emang ga bisa berjalan dengan konstan, nggak sih?

speaking of change, i just made a huge change to you too, blog. to celebrate your 10th birthday, not only i created you a brand new (and simpler) banner, i also bought you a dotcom! woohoo! after all these years.. thank you for growing up with me, for commemorating all the changes and the transitions in my life, and many more things that will come along the way.

random

current feelings

12:45 AM

startin' to miss seeing my friends, college, waking up early to go to library (gosh i miss perpusat sooo much), makanan kutek yang ga ada gizinya, kangen latihan prapid.... (iya praper engga). kangen nugas di sbux kelapa dua setelah makan soto di sebelahnya. kangen naik krl! kangen ke gondangdia cuma buat makan gudeg --satu-satunya gudeg jogja yang acceptable dan wuenak (iya harus gitu ngomongnya, karena SEENAK ITU) di lidah gue. kangen es kopi susu keluarga. kangen ayam goreng mas agus... kangen ngejelajah kantin fakultas lain. kangen keliling-keliling ui. kangen kehidupan normal.


di satu sisi, kangen banget sama rutinitas sehari-hari gue sebelum situasi quarantine ini. pengen banget cepet berakhir. as this situation brings so much uncertainty in my life & my future, especially during this last year of college.. tapi di satu sisi lain, gue ngerasa 'nggak siap' juga ngehadapin gimana caranya adaptasi dan bounce back ke kehidupan nyata.

:-(

family

current situation

11:13 PM

gue sedih menerima fakta kalo gue sekarang sangatlah illiterate. ga kayak dulu, sekarang gue ngerasa sulit banget untuk nulis sesuatu, even the smallest random things. kalo liat archived gue dari jaman 2010, hal gak penting sekalipun kayaknya bisa lancar aja gue tulis. kemampuan baca gue jauh berdegradasi. books used to be the things i easily consumed back then, novel bisa beberapa jam kelar gue baca. now... i haven't even finished my Aristotle & Dante Discover the Secret of the Universe i bought last year. so... pardon my writing, will you?

anyway, it's been 2 weeks since i've had my classes from home due to this pandemic virus.



this covid-19 pandemic situation sucks, indeed. perkuliahan jarak jauh bikin situasi kadang jauh lebih capek dibanding kelas biasanya. tugas gue jadi lebih banyak, ujian lebih kecot dan traumatis, kelas online yang ga kondusif (beberapa mata kuliah gue bahkan semacam abandoned oleh dosen), bikin mata gue pusing juga most of time of the day mantengin laptop. ah, not to mention prapid & prapid just got cancelled. sedih banget gaada memori mooting di semester 6. meskipun dulu (waktu kuliah tatap muka) capek tiap hari pulang malem gara-gara latihan prapid praper, jujur gue enjoy banget jalaninnya. nggak cuma dari segi akademis, gue juga dibikin parno tiap hari karena situasi ini. selalu ngerasa kotor lah, pusing dikit parno, batuk dikit degdegan.

things have changed a lot.

but it wasn't all bad though, if we try to look the other way.

situasi class from home bikin gue ga harus catokan tiap hari. nor wearing any make ups. nor even wearing a bra. i no longer spend too much time deciding what should i wear to class that day; karena toh ga ada yang liat juga lewat zoom. i could wear my buluk t-shirt and boxer every single day. makan masakan mama tiap hari; bukannya warteg deket kosan gue yang menunya itu-itu aja (dan gue yang milihnya itu-itu aja). get to spend time with my baby nephew. gue juga jadi punya aktivitas baru. gardening has become my morning routine for this past couple of weeks. hmmm technically, gue cuma bantuin (baca: disuruh) metikin / panen aja sih hehe. did i ever mention that my mom loves gardening? mama telaten banget soal ngurus kebunnya. it's not exactly a garden though, karena letaknya justru di balcony. so far, gue udah panen sawi, bayam, sama kangkung. kalo gak karena gue tiap hari di rumah dan disuruh ngurus kebun, kayaknya gue ga bakal tau bentuk ketiga jenis sayur itu sebelum dimasak gimana muahahaha.

things have changed too in my family.

to be frank, i couldn't recall when was the last time my family gathers on weekdays. ada di rumah bareng mba ajeng, mba yaya, dan papa sehari-hari di rumah somehow feels a lil bit strange... yet it feels so warm. like those good ol days; childhood days. udah lama ga ngalamin berantem rebutan ayam mana yang lebih besar atau paling banyak kulitnya, nyusun plan snack apa yang kita buka hari ini-besok-lusa, rebutan siapa yang tidur sama boba, saling nungguin biar bisa makan siang bareng, kumpul deketan dan ngobrol di ruang tv meskipun kadang masing-masing juga concern sama buku/gadget/aktivitas masing-masing. well, i must say being able to be home with my family is the most luxurious thing i obtained from this covid-19 situation.

reminiscing

a lil update on life

1:12 AM

ada sesuatu yang bikin gue ngerasa ada di rumah tiap kali nulis di blog. nggak peduli betapa gue yang sekarang sangatlah illiterate (funny how it contradicts my blog title; little-ature) dan ngalamin kesulitan untuk mulai nulis. perhaps it's because i don't need to prove anything to anyone when i write here. or maybe, it's because this blog has witnessed my personal growth ever since 9 years ago. anyway, listening to bon iver's songs while blogging is a little thing i grateful so much in life. 

an update: on life

oke. pertama, gue juga nggak ngerti kenapa hasrat gue untuk nulis selalu dateng ketika gue seharusnya lagi belajar buat uas. finals are coming in a couple days, y'all. i'll finally end this fucking semester in 10 days. to sum up my first half year of 2019; i'd say that life has completely defeated me. i got my first ever mental breakdown this semester. never have i ever feel so weak and vulnerable in my life until it hits me; beaten me up like shit. i went through several sleepless nights full of tears not knowing exactly the reason of why i'm crying. fakta bahwa gue kesulitan memetakan alasan mayor di balik kesedihan itu justru bikin gue makin stress. til i had to accept (atau mungkin memaksa menerima) that it's not always have to be a major reason i had to look for. mungkin hal-hal kecil yang jadi beban pikiran dan tekanan gue yang berakumulasi jadi satu; is simply the reason behind why. i tend to isolate myself from people on those hard days. i always feel so tired i felt like a dead man walking. begitu sampe kamar, gue bisa cuma rebahan sampe tengah malam, lalu nangis, diam, nangis lagi, capek, nangis lagi sampai pagi, ketiduran, bangun, kuliah, pulang, rebahan, and siklusnya keulang lagi. the cycle went for a few days until i realized; ini nggak sehat. i need to seek for help. decided to text my mom on midnight "i am so tired, i'm stressed out. i'll tell you why, but i think i might have to turn my phone off for a couple days, seeking for a lil peace within myself first, don't worry". but you know, when you say 'don't worry, yang ada orang yang nerima pesannya malah cenderung worry. apa yang terjadi selanjutnya adalah mama dan mba ajeng made a lot of phone calls lewat telepon kosan. i felt really bad about it, but i can't help to admit that there's something wrong with me too. gue nggak pernah merasa sefragile ini, selemah ini dan sehampa ini. i also told (lebih ke rant sebetulnya. 4am rants!) one of my bestfriend regarding this situation. sulit buat gue berani menceritakan perasaan gue ke orang lain dan ke keluarga gue tentang hal ini. gue bahkan hanya me-forward notes hp isi curahan hati--kestressan dan makian tanpa sensor gue-- just because; gue nggak bisa ceritain itu selayaknya gue harus cerita ke keluarga gue. apa yang gue rasain ga akan sampai sepenuhnya tanpa kata-kata inappropriate di dalamnya. and i felt so fucking relieved. satu hal yang gue pelajari dari momen ini; mungkin sebenarnya apa yang gue butuhkan adalah berbagi... gue sadar betapa jarangnya gue menyalurkan emosi gue dan memperlihatkan sisi fragile gue ke orang lain. the response i got was very unexpected, yet very relieving.

gue: *forwards notes*
gue: i can't accept any advice right now
mama: iya mama ngerti. mama percaya kamu akan bisa ngelewatin ini semua. pasti capek kalo igin marah keluarin semuanya sekarng, nangis sebanyak-banyaknya. mama nggak akan ngash ceramah apa-apa, tapi kalo kamu ngerasa butuh bantuan, kamu boleh ngomong sama mama, mba ajeng, atau bantuan profesional sekalipun. dengan kamu sadar sendiri kalo kamu stres, itu jauh lebih baik daripada nggak sadar sama sekali. ini bukti kalo kamu masih berusaha untuk ngatasin masalah yang lagi kamu hadapin. nggak mudah memang, tapi semuanya bisa lebih cepat ditangani kalo kamu mencari bantuan dari orang yang tepat. emosi yang kamu luapin melalui tulisan di notes bisa jadi salah satu cara untuk membuat pikiran lebih tenang. nangis sebanyak-banyaknya, tulis sebanyak-banyaknya. kalo perlu marah, nggak ada salahnya untuk ngomong kasar. toh itu notes yang tulis sebagai bentuk luapan emosi. tuangin semua kata-kata yang ada di pikiran tanpa sensor sedikitpun. kalo memang lewat tulisan belup cukup, osya nggak mau cerita ke amma, mba ajeng, atau ke teman sekalipun, kamu boleh minta bantuan konseling. ini salah satu cara yang mama bisa kasih sebagai tanda mama percaya sama kamu dan dukung kamu untuk ngelewatin masalah yang lagi kamu hadapin. kapanpun osya mau dan butuh, osya boleh minta bantuin ini kapan aja

i swear i got the best mother in the world.

 a few days after felt so.. bland? i'm not sure what's the right word to describe the days after. yang jelas, perasaan gue jauh lebih baik dan gue mulai bisa coping dan berdamai dengan keadaan gue saat itu; jadi gue memutuskan untuk nggak jadi mencari jadwal sesi konseling.

sekarang?
i feel pretty normal; both physically and mentally. ever since my first ever mental break down, i learn something very important. mungkin klise; but it is really okay to feel not okay. kita manusia yang punya emosi; bukan hal yang salah untuk meluapkan atau nunjukkin ekspresi itu. it is okay to feel sad and/or stressed, as long as we know how to cope and deal with it. but when we don't, it's okay to seek for help.

well, i guess we are both strong and fragile creatures, aren't we?

family

little one

11:06 PM

lately, i find so much joy by looking at tiny babies. the newborns. the world really does have a weird sense of humor, doesn't it? i remember how i used to hate babies and kids. i even thought newborns are weird as they, sometimes, look like aliens. but now, i really do hope someday i'll be given the opportunity to have one. even though some part of myself are scared and wondered if i would ever be ready or capable to be a good parent, i know for sure that i want to raise a kid (or kids) someday. anyway, here comes the big news. big huge. mba yaya is pregnant. i am (way too) happy to hear that when she brought the news. geez, my sister is soon to become a mom! entah untuk yang keberapa kali gue bilang 'rasanya baru kemaren..' and reminisce things my sister(s) & i used to do back then when we were kids. dear niece/nephew, i'll cherish you as i'll cherish my own kids in the future. i love you already. dear little one, i really, really, can't wait to see you soon

so today

random

7:08 PM

it's raining outside and here i am; stuck in the library among the other people.

have i ever told you that library is my favorite place?

i love to spend my free times here. guess this is the only place where you can walk around, eat, and just sit and relax alone without feeling weird. kenapa sih masih ada orang yang nganggep spend some time sendiri tuh aneh? for me it's liberating. lega banget rasanya.

life has been pretty much normal. mulai ada kesibukan, tugas, dan kegiatan-kegiatan lainnya. sejujurnya gue agak menyesal kenapa gue memutuskan ambil kuliah jamber semester ini. tadinya gue berharap senin gue suci. kalo senin gue suci, gue punya waktu 3 hari buat ngabisin weekend di rumah.

by the way, mba yaya left us this morning. tadi pagi gue, mba ajeng dan mama bareng-bareng nganterin mba yaya ke airport setelah dari kemarin keliling-keliling wisata kuliner di jakarta. mama bener-bener pengen manjain mba yaya sebelum dia pergi ke pontianak. jalan-jalan kesana, kesini, makan ini makan itu dijabanin. tapi yang pasti, dari kemarin kita ngabisin waktu bareng dan berkualitas. kita cerita banyak, ngobrol banyak, more hugs.. more tears.

mata gue sampe sembab banget tadi pagi. dipikir-pikir, dari kecil, kita emang ga pernah tinggal bareng untuk waktu yang lama. trus sekarang masing-masing anggota keluarga gue hidup kepisah-pisah. gue di depok, mama di bandung, mba ajeng di slipi, papa di cikini, dan mba yaya sekarang di pontianak.

akhir akhir ini pikiran gue nggak tenang. gue kepikiran mama terus yang mulai sekarang sendiri di bandung. meskipun ada art, gue tetep khawatir. puncaknya kemarin waktu gue di bandung abis pulang malem, gue ngeliat pager rumah kebuka dan ga dikunci gembok, pintu rumah juga cuma kekunci satu kali. harusnya itu tugas art gue buat mati-matiin lampu dan kunci rumah begitu udah malem. entah kenapa gue agak kalut waktu itu negur art gue dengan nada tinggi. bukan simply karena dia lalai, tapi karena gue tau untuk beberapa tahun ke depan, cuma dia yang bisa jagain mama sehari-hari selama gue nggak ada di rumah. dan dia nggak hati-hati.

gue juga jadi mikir kemana mana. kenapa gue harus kuliah di sini, jauh dari keluarga yang butuhin gue? kenapa gue ga kuliah di bandung aja?

huffff

family

she's leaving (2)

9:58 PM

lalu kita pelukan untuk waktu yang lama.

"osya mau tidur sama mba yaya."

"iya..."

...

gue sadar ketika kakak gue menikah, dia akan 'terlepas' dari keluarga dan memulai jalan hidup baru di keluarga yang baru; keluarga kecilnya bersama suami & anak-anaknya nanti.

gue sadar suatu saat dia akan meninggalkan rumah.

tapi gue nggak pernah benar-benar tau rasanya sampai hari ini.

i never had this kind of feeling & sadness before. as i'm writing this, i burst into tears.

it felt worse than a heartbreak.

family

she's leaving

9:48 PM

siang kemarin gue sampai ke rumah dari perjalanan jakarta-bandung.


i was expecting to spend this week just staying at home, doing nothing, yang penting bareng keluarga gue. selama liburan kemarin, gue selalu jadi 'milik' orang lain.

begitu masuk rumah & salam, gue rebahan di sofa depan tv. damai. lega. rumah!

...sampai mba yaya bilang, "osya, minggu depan mba yaya pindah."

"pindah kemana?"

"ke pontianak."

"hah? hahaha jangan boong ah! bercanda kan?"

"engga..."

"don't you dare lie to my face! ga mungkin. mba yaya bercanda kan?"

"..."

"demi apa..."

and then my mum came and said, "sya, minggu depan mba yaya pindah. satu minggu ini kita bareng-bareng & seneng-seneng terus ya, kita jalan-jalan."

and then i cried.

we cried.

...