so today

little-ature turns 10

2:36 PM

this year, this blog celebrate its 10th anniversary. agak surprised gimana akhirnya gue end up konsisten nulis di platform ini (meskipun kadang gue maki maki karena ga develop) setelah berkali-kali ganti sejak pertama kali gue blogging di kelas empat sd. mulai dari blogger, wordpress, tumblr, sampe blogger lagi karena sakit hati ngejar tumblarity (there used to be this thing called 'tumblarity' which determine how popular you are on tumblr based on ur post frequency, likes, and share, which then resulted in a vicious popularity contest). turns out i wasn't happy with the existence of tumblarity, karena jatohnya gue jadi 'maksain' nulis, bukan nulis apa yang gue suka dan apa yang ingin gue tulis. then i decided to close my account. now the tumblarity has gone, gue udah terlanjur sayang ninggalin 'jejak' gue di sini. technically, blog ini udah jadi saksi mata gue growing up dari gue umur 11 sampe gue umur 21, dari gue masih pre-teen sampe gue udah legally considered as adult, dari gue bau matahari pulang sekolah naik angkot, upgrade ke bau rexona teen, sampe bau fifth avenue elizabeth arden, dari doyan sepedaan dan momotoran keliling kompleks sampe akhirnya gue bisa nyetir sendiri sampe jawa. dari gue experiencing first love di smp, first major heartbreak di sma sampe gue skeptis sama konsep exclusive relationship yang deliberating di kuliah. some things changed. some things didn't.

nggak jarang gue malu sama diri gue sendiri kalo liat archived post dari 2010. some things i wrote are cringe worthy, yes. tapi gimanapun betapa alaynya gue jaman dulu, those old posts make me feel like some part of me have never changed. dari tulisan-tulisan dulu, gue melihat di diri gue sekarang, masih ada bagian dari diri gue 10 tahun lalu. tulisan-tulisan gue dulu juga mengingatkan gue ke momen-momen kecil yang baru sadar pernah gue alamin waktu gue baca lagi. bisa jadi apa yang gue tulis sekarang tentang perasaan-perasaan gue, pengalaman yang gue laluin, hidup gue, jadi bahan refleksi diri gue di umur 30 (dan seterusnya), jadi bahan ketawaan gue sambil mikir "gila alay banget gue 10/20/30 taon lalu!" (if this such thing still exist). jadi bahan cerita gue ke anak-anak gue juga mungkin? my life are filled with precious moments, experiences and stories which i hope i could eternalized through my writings here. tulisan-tulisan gue di tahun 2014 mungkin alay mampus karena major heartbreak yang gue alamin. hence, my feelings were valid. dan lagi, gue nulis juga untuk diri gue sendiri. (((kalo ada yang baca terus cringe, maklumin aja ya)))

dear, blog. i said my old posts remind me of how a part of me has never changed. but the way i figured it out, the change itself actually isn't really something that we need to be afraid of. it's not a bad thing either. change is an undeniable process of life. my dreams have changed a lot compared to what i've dreamed of 10 years--even 2 years ago (and it might change too in a few years, months or even minutes, and that's ok!). my perspective about the concept of friendship has changed. the way i see things in life have also changed. i begin to see myself as a working progress, thus i accept myself for changing. lagian hidup emang ga bisa berjalan dengan konstan, nggak sih?

speaking of change, i just made a huge change to you too, blog. to celebrate your 10th birthday, not only i created you a brand new (and simpler) banner, i also bought you a dotcom! woohoo! after all these years.. thank you for growing up with me, for commemorating all the changes and the transitions in my life, and many more things that will come along the way.

stories

college

3:57 PM

i once had a memorable conversation with a gojek driver on my firsts day of college. knowing i was a freshman, he asked me a such a heavy question to answer (at least for me).

"why do you think people have to go to college?"

"...to learn?"

i know... judge me shallow.

"really? learn about what?"

"umm.. their majors."

"i don't think we really have to go to college to learn. especially in this era where we could just google everything."

"right. but in some cases, some things are just couldn't be googled. google doesn't have a real life experience in their jobs. google can't answer my follow up questions about my lecturer's personal thought about some issues."

"anything else? reasons why people have to go to college?"

"i'm not naive, i'm also here pursuing my degree, cause most jobs require us to have one."

"right. anyway, do you wanna know what i've taught my children why do they should go to college?"

though i wasn't exactly interested, i said yes.

"i said to them, 'most important thing college will teach you is to think systematically and structurally. also, you'll learn that answering correctly isn't as important as asking the right question and answering the exact question. it'll also shape your personality and intelligence'."

i didn't realize until now that what he said was right. seeing how things are going right now, i could see clearly how not everyone is capable both to ask the right question and answer to the exact question. sometimes my lecturers got pissed off when the students answer in an over-analytical way when the question was just as simple as a "yes or no" or "is it or is it not".

the thing that the gojek driver has (indirectly) taught me was also something i hold onto every time i got lost to find the answer of "why am i fucking here" or something like that. it doesn't matter if the major fits you or not, college will always have something to make you realize things (this is me trying to see the bigger picture--and a way to not regretting law school). there's always something to learn from anything after all. but to me personally, at this point, in my 6th semester, i'm glad that college really has shaped my way of thinking, develop my emotional quotient (esp when it comes to studying in group and organizational tasks), and enhanced my self-awareness.

college has never been easy. but i found myself in there, along the way.

stories

moments worth writing: the sunflowers

12:07 AM

i don't wanna forget some particular moments worth writing in my life; moments I would recite to my kids someday in the future.

one afternoon two years ago, mama asked me what my favorite flower was. i told her i fond of sunflowers. little did i know she was becoming interested in gardening. a few weeks later when i got home, a couple sunflowers embedded on the pots at my balcony. she said alone she had been planted, watered and weeded 'em every day. she grew it for me.

family

current situation

11:13 PM

gue sedih menerima fakta kalo gue sekarang sangatlah illiterate. ga kayak dulu, sekarang gue ngerasa sulit banget untuk nulis sesuatu, even the smallest random things. kalo liat archived gue dari jaman 2010, hal gak penting sekalipun kayaknya bisa lancar aja gue tulis. kemampuan baca gue jauh berdegradasi. books used to be the things i easily consumed back then, novel bisa beberapa jam kelar gue baca. now... i haven't even finished my Aristotle & Dante Discover the Secret of the Universe i bought last year. so... pardon my writing, will you?

anyway, it's been 2 weeks since i've had my classes from home due to this pandemic virus.



this covid-19 pandemic situation sucks, indeed. perkuliahan jarak jauh bikin situasi kadang jauh lebih capek dibanding kelas biasanya. tugas gue jadi lebih banyak, ujian lebih kecot dan traumatis, kelas online yang ga kondusif (beberapa mata kuliah gue bahkan semacam abandoned oleh dosen), bikin mata gue pusing juga most of time of the day mantengin laptop. ah, not to mention prapid & prapid just got cancelled. sedih banget gaada memori mooting di semester 6. meskipun dulu (waktu kuliah tatap muka) capek tiap hari pulang malem gara-gara latihan prapid praper, jujur gue enjoy banget jalaninnya. nggak cuma dari segi akademis, gue juga dibikin parno tiap hari karena situasi ini. selalu ngerasa kotor lah, pusing dikit parno, batuk dikit degdegan.

things have changed a lot.

but it wasn't all bad though, if we try to look the other way.

situasi class from home bikin gue ga harus catokan tiap hari. nor wearing any make ups. nor even wearing a bra. i no longer spend too much time deciding what should i wear to class that day; karena toh ga ada yang liat juga lewat zoom. i could wear my buluk t-shirt and boxer every single day. makan masakan mama tiap hari; bukannya warteg deket kosan gue yang menunya itu-itu aja (dan gue yang milihnya itu-itu aja). get to spend time with my baby nephew. gue juga jadi punya aktivitas baru. gardening has become my morning routine for this past couple of weeks. hmmm technically, gue cuma bantuin (baca: disuruh) metikin / panen aja sih hehe. did i ever mention that my mom loves gardening? mama telaten banget soal ngurus kebunnya. it's not exactly a garden though, karena letaknya justru di balcony. so far, gue udah panen sawi, bayam, sama kangkung. kalo gak karena gue tiap hari di rumah dan disuruh ngurus kebun, kayaknya gue ga bakal tau bentuk ketiga jenis sayur itu sebelum dimasak gimana muahahaha.

things have changed too in my family.

to be frank, i couldn't recall when was the last time my family gathers on weekdays. ada di rumah bareng mba ajeng, mba yaya, dan papa sehari-hari di rumah somehow feels a lil bit strange... yet it feels so warm. like those good ol days; childhood days. udah lama ga ngalamin berantem rebutan ayam mana yang lebih besar atau paling banyak kulitnya, nyusun plan snack apa yang kita buka hari ini-besok-lusa, rebutan siapa yang tidur sama boba, saling nungguin biar bisa makan siang bareng, kumpul deketan dan ngobrol di ruang tv meskipun kadang masing-masing juga concern sama buku/gadget/aktivitas masing-masing. well, i must say being able to be home with my family is the most luxurious thing i obtained from this covid-19 situation.

reminiscing

a lil update on life

1:12 AM

ada sesuatu yang bikin gue ngerasa ada di rumah tiap kali nulis di blog. nggak peduli betapa gue yang sekarang sangatlah illiterate (funny how it contradicts my blog title; little-ature) dan ngalamin kesulitan untuk mulai nulis. perhaps it's because i don't need to prove anything to anyone when i write here. or maybe, it's because this blog has witnessed my personal growth ever since 9 years ago. anyway, listening to bon iver's songs while blogging is a little thing i grateful so much in life. 

an update: on life

oke. pertama, gue juga nggak ngerti kenapa hasrat gue untuk nulis selalu dateng ketika gue seharusnya lagi belajar buat uas. finals are coming in a couple days, y'all. i'll finally end this fucking semester in 10 days. to sum up my first half year of 2019; i'd say that life has completely defeated me. i got my first ever mental breakdown this semester. never have i ever feel so weak and vulnerable in my life until it hits me; beaten me up like shit. i went through several sleepless nights full of tears not knowing exactly the reason of why i'm crying. fakta bahwa gue kesulitan memetakan alasan mayor di balik kesedihan itu justru bikin gue makin stress. til i had to accept (atau mungkin memaksa menerima) that it's not always have to be a major reason i had to look for. mungkin hal-hal kecil yang jadi beban pikiran dan tekanan gue yang berakumulasi jadi satu; is simply the reason behind why. i tend to isolate myself from people on those hard days. i always feel so tired i felt like a dead man walking. begitu sampe kamar, gue bisa cuma rebahan sampe tengah malam, lalu nangis, diam, nangis lagi, capek, nangis lagi sampai pagi, ketiduran, bangun, kuliah, pulang, rebahan, and siklusnya keulang lagi. the cycle went for a few days until i realized; ini nggak sehat. i need to seek for help. decided to text my mom on midnight "i am so tired, i'm stressed out. i'll tell you why, but i think i might have to turn my phone off for a couple days, seeking for a lil peace within myself first, don't worry". but you know, when you say 'don't worry, yang ada orang yang nerima pesannya malah cenderung worry. apa yang terjadi selanjutnya adalah mama dan mba ajeng made a lot of phone calls lewat telepon kosan. i felt really bad about it, but i can't help to admit that there's something wrong with me too. gue nggak pernah merasa sefragile ini, selemah ini dan sehampa ini. i also told (lebih ke rant sebetulnya. 4am rants!) one of my bestfriend regarding this situation. sulit buat gue berani menceritakan perasaan gue ke orang lain dan ke keluarga gue tentang hal ini. gue bahkan hanya me-forward notes hp isi curahan hati--kestressan dan makian tanpa sensor gue-- just because; gue nggak bisa ceritain itu selayaknya gue harus cerita ke keluarga gue. apa yang gue rasain ga akan sampai sepenuhnya tanpa kata-kata inappropriate di dalamnya. and i felt so fucking relieved. satu hal yang gue pelajari dari momen ini; mungkin sebenarnya apa yang gue butuhkan adalah berbagi... gue sadar betapa jarangnya gue menyalurkan emosi gue dan memperlihatkan sisi fragile gue ke orang lain. the response i got was very unexpected, yet very relieving.

gue: *forwards notes*
gue: i can't accept any advice right now
mama: iya mama ngerti. mama percaya kamu akan bisa ngelewatin ini semua. pasti capek kalo igin marah keluarin semuanya sekarng, nangis sebanyak-banyaknya. mama nggak akan ngash ceramah apa-apa, tapi kalo kamu ngerasa butuh bantuan, kamu boleh ngomong sama mama, mba ajeng, atau bantuan profesional sekalipun. dengan kamu sadar sendiri kalo kamu stres, itu jauh lebih baik daripada nggak sadar sama sekali. ini bukti kalo kamu masih berusaha untuk ngatasin masalah yang lagi kamu hadapin. nggak mudah memang, tapi semuanya bisa lebih cepat ditangani kalo kamu mencari bantuan dari orang yang tepat. emosi yang kamu luapin melalui tulisan di notes bisa jadi salah satu cara untuk membuat pikiran lebih tenang. nangis sebanyak-banyaknya, tulis sebanyak-banyaknya. kalo perlu marah, nggak ada salahnya untuk ngomong kasar. toh itu notes yang tulis sebagai bentuk luapan emosi. tuangin semua kata-kata yang ada di pikiran tanpa sensor sedikitpun. kalo memang lewat tulisan belup cukup, osya nggak mau cerita ke amma, mba ajeng, atau ke teman sekalipun, kamu boleh minta bantuan konseling. ini salah satu cara yang mama bisa kasih sebagai tanda mama percaya sama kamu dan dukung kamu untuk ngelewatin masalah yang lagi kamu hadapin. kapanpun osya mau dan butuh, osya boleh minta bantuin ini kapan aja

i swear i got the best mother in the world.

 a few days after felt so.. bland? i'm not sure what's the right word to describe the days after. yang jelas, perasaan gue jauh lebih baik dan gue mulai bisa coping dan berdamai dengan keadaan gue saat itu; jadi gue memutuskan untuk nggak jadi mencari jadwal sesi konseling.

sekarang?
i feel pretty normal; both physically and mentally. ever since my first ever mental break down, i learn something very important. mungkin klise; but it is really okay to feel not okay. kita manusia yang punya emosi; bukan hal yang salah untuk meluapkan atau nunjukkin ekspresi itu. it is okay to feel sad and/or stressed, as long as we know how to cope and deal with it. but when we don't, it's okay to seek for help.

well, i guess we are both strong and fragile creatures, aren't we?

family

she's leaving (2)

9:58 PM

lalu kita pelukan untuk waktu yang lama.

"osya mau tidur sama mba yaya."

"iya..."

...

gue sadar ketika kakak gue menikah, dia akan 'terlepas' dari keluarga dan memulai jalan hidup baru di keluarga yang baru; keluarga kecilnya bersama suami & anak-anaknya nanti.

gue sadar suatu saat dia akan meninggalkan rumah.

tapi gue nggak pernah benar-benar tau rasanya sampai hari ini.

i never had this kind of feeling & sadness before. as i'm writing this, i burst into tears.

it felt worse than a heartbreak.

family

she's leaving

9:48 PM

siang kemarin gue sampai ke rumah dari perjalanan jakarta-bandung.


i was expecting to spend this week just staying at home, doing nothing, yang penting bareng keluarga gue. selama liburan kemarin, gue selalu jadi 'milik' orang lain.

begitu masuk rumah & salam, gue rebahan di sofa depan tv. damai. lega. rumah!

...sampai mba yaya bilang, "osya, minggu depan mba yaya pindah."

"pindah kemana?"

"ke pontianak."

"hah? hahaha jangan boong ah! bercanda kan?"

"engga..."

"don't you dare lie to my face! ga mungkin. mba yaya bercanda kan?"

"..."

"demi apa..."

and then my mum came and said, "sya, minggu depan mba yaya pindah. satu minggu ini kita bareng-bareng & seneng-seneng terus ya, kita jalan-jalan."

and then i cried.

we cried.

...

stories

3/8

9:09 PM

23 minutes is how long it takes for me to find a word that your kiss left me that evening.

it left me none.

except lots of feelings and.. more lots of feelings.

and in all of sudden, for the first time that i could remember,

i was emotionally naked.

stories

things she made him capable of

12:58 PM



It was a late night drive after the concert. Truth be told, he couldn't care less about the Tchaikovsky nor the Max Reger. He grew up listening to Muse and Red Hot Chili Peppers. Nonetheless, he didn't mind at all spending the whole night listening to not-so-his kind-of-music as long as she was there; and to know that she was very delighted.

"Thank you," she said, throwing a smile "i know it's not your cup of tea."

He blew his cigarettes out through the window and turned his head, "The music? Nope. But you are."

Her cheek faintly blushing. It's weird that they had been together for a while, yet she still find it's hard to control herself in front of him. The butterflies had never left, at all.

He stroked her hair gently while his other hand caught up with the steering wheel. "I have a theory about you."

"Me?"

"I believe you have been hiding a secret power."

She chuckled, "I wish i had one though, like the Sailormoon."

"Whoever Sailormoon is, i guess she or he doesn't have one like yours."

Still, his fingers were busy stroking her hair. Little did he know, it was her favorite gesture of him.

"Uh huh? What is it?"

"You make other people capable to do things. That's your secret power. I'd probably nonchalantly turn on my earphone during the concert, listening to Thirty Seconds to Mars or something; or fallen asleep; or worse, walked myself out-- if it were not because of you. I'd switch the radio station, if it were not because of you mumbling and enjoying those weird rap songs. I'd probably never pick Big Hero 6 over Interstellar on the cinema, if it were not because of you getting crazy over Baymax. I'd probably never have a willing to visit the museum we went last week, if it were not because of you; who happened to be a history junkie --and i wanted to make you happy.  Also.. I believe i wouldn't even dare to take the risk.. to share this very little space of my introverted self to anyone-- again, if it were not because of you.

You made me capable to do things. "

She smiled. 

"And i'm excited to see other things you'll make me capable of."

random

current doings

5:17 PM

don't know what to do at the moment. writing about my current favs instead.

1. The End of the F***ing World

 Ini gapenting, but before it was hype, gue nonton dari hari pertama premiere di Netflix! Bukan karena trailernya yang emang 'ngundang' orang-orang buat nonton film ini, tapi karena ada Alex Lawther! Gue obsessed sama Alex Lawther ever since dia main jadi Alan Turing kecil di The Imitation Game (aka my fav movieeee all time setelah Interstellar).

young alan turing and christopher

His british accent on The Imitation Game kinda turned me on though... and it didn't change at all on this series! It's quite hard to describe him. He's creepy, cold, weird, and pretty... and handsome. Let's just say him pretty handsome shall we (because why not both)? As for Alyssa, she and her selfish traits kinda annoyed me! Tapi kalo gak selfish, impulsif dan kompleks, it wouldn't make her character as bold as she is right now. Hal lain yang gue suka dari film ini selain cast dan characternya adalah plotnya yang cukup unik, dan sinematografinya yang aesthetically pleasing! There's sort of vintage vibes in the movie that quite reminds me of Tarantino's movies.


However, TEOTFW would be a nice try for your easy sunday movie, though.

Another tv series yang lagi gue tonton: Black Mirror, Dear White People, Freaks and Geeks, dan How to Get Away with the Murderer.

2. Currently watching several TV Shows

 Akhirnya ga US Masterchef dan America's Next Top Model lagi, haha. Gue suka banget nonton The Amazing Race, Beauty and the Geek, Little Big Shots (dan baru tau ada versi Indo-nya juga tapi ga lucu samsek), Child Genius, dan Unique Sweets (yayaya makanan lagi). Favorit gue so far adalah The Amazing Race S28 yang versi internet celebrity. ADUH SUKA BANGET SAMA ZACH-RACHEL SAMA BRODIE-KURT SAMA TYLER-KOREY. The Amazing Race tuh sangat sangat seru karena greget aja nontonin mereka nyelesain challenge sambil traveling ke berbagai belahan dunia. Experience local, new things. Gue selama ini cuma tau Zach King dari vine dan instagram dia aja, jadi suka banget semenjak tau real personalitynya lewat series ini. Btw, di episode keberapa gitu gue lupa, mereka terbang ke Bali dan dapet challenge bikin bakso. Cole LaBrant bikin semangkok dan nyobain, trus katanya ga enak banget... trus gue kesel sendiri karena dia salah malah masukin kecap plus saos plus sambel superbanyak (literally masukin semua bahan yang dia liat). Sedihnya lagi di episode ini Zach-Rachel kalah dan harus keluar.


Semenjak rajin nonton tv shows ini, cita-cita gue adalah ikutan The Amazing Race.

...
Next. Beauty and the Geek. TV shows Australia ini udah lama sebenernyaaa. Dulu gue nonton di TV tapi ga selesai. Jujur sebenernya gue ga suka-suka banget sama tv show ini karena somehow begitu offending dan menggeneralisasi beauty as smart dan nerd as ugly. Acara ini juga drama banget kayak The Bachelor. Tapi gue seneng aja ngeliat makeover nerds-nya yang asalnya culun (gatau beneran culun atau dibuat penampilannya seperti itu. kayaknya sih... sengaja) jadi ganteng. One person that amazed me was Gilbert, dari B&G season 3. In case you're wondering, coba deh liat di youtube. This TV show is not my fav, tapi boleh lah kalo lagi bosen dan butuh nonton sesuatu yang light.

Ada kesamaan di antara Little Big Shots dan Child Genius, yaitu nunjukin anak-anak kecil yang hebat. Little Big Shots bikin gue kagum sama anak-anak kecil yang talented abis, jokesnya Steve Harvey lucu, dan yaah.. entertaining. Meanwhile nonton Child Genius bikin gue ikut stres ngeliat bocah bocah yang born as a genius berkompetisi satu sama lain, dicekokin pelajaran dan dipaksa aiming highest scores as if it's the only thing that matters. Tapi ya bikin gue kagum (sekaligus ngerasa debu) juga nontonnya.

Another tv show yang gue suka banget nontonnya adalah Unique Sweets & Guilty Pleasures . SOOO PLEASING & MOUTH-WATERING NONTONNYA. And it's funny how the hosts are so dramatic and hilarious while describing the foods.

Last but not least gue lagi suka nonton The Story of God-nya Morgan Freeman. Bisa ditonton di National Geographic, basically acara ini nunjukin perjalanannya Morgan Freeman keliling dunia buat belajar berbagai agama dan nyari eksistensi Tuhan. So insightful.

3. I created a Youtube channel

 Impulsivity. Isinya cuma video iseng yang gue buat dan playlist sih. Tapi boleh laah mampir trus like atau subscribe? Type my name, okkk. Or simply click this link.

4. I'm beginning to run again

 Back then in junior high school, terutama kelas 9, gue sukaaa banget lari dan olah raga di rumah. Seminggu bisa beberapa kali. School made me do it sih sebenernya. Di SMP gue selalu ada ujian lari dan kalo ga lulus batas waktu minimal bakal disuruh remedial (dan lari ulang, sigh) jadi mau ga mau harus latihan lari. Lama kelamaan jadi rutin. Tapi begitu masuk SMA dan PE-nya nggak begitu 'serius' gitu, itungannya gue ga pernah olah raga selama SMA wkwkw yang ada malah mabal atau cule lari bareng sama Ami. On this holiday semester, i'm forcing my body to run and do sports again. Sedih banget badan gue langsung sakit sakittt huhu karena sejarang itu olah raga. Tapi gapapa for the healthier me!!! (major reason-nya sih sebenernya karena baju-baju gue udah sempit dan pada gak muat.... hehehehe. Bye.).

RUN FORREST RUN




stories

that yellow jacket: part one

10:52 PM

Remember when i promised i was going to post about UI soon (on my chatbox)? Well.. turned out it's not-so-soon, karena saat ini gue udah ngelewatin semester pertama dalam perkuliahan (ada ga sih ungkapan lain dari time flies?).

Sebelum gue ceritain tentang si universitas-jaket-kuning, kayaknya akan lebih afdol kalo gue mundur timelinenya ke masa sebelum prom. I see there's a gap here in my blog post ever since jaman jaman stres kelas 12. Bahkan gue gak sempat cerita tentang prom sama sekali. So here it is, a post (or two) to sum up what had been happened in the past six months.

///BEFORE PROM: SNMPTN & PPKB///

Kalo ga salah, pendaftaran SNMPTN dan PPKB (jalur undangan khusus UI) sebenernya udah dimulai sejak awal semester dua. In case someone's wondering, jadi tahap pertama itu siswa satu sekolah dirank nilainya dari semester satu sampai lima. Karena ga semua siswa bisa mendaftar buat SNMPTN. Di sekolah gue cuma 50% siswa yang bisa daftar SNMPTN (tergantung akreditasi) dan PPKB (nah kalo ini seleksinya 50% bagi peminat PPKB). Alhamdulillah posisi gue bisa dibilang aman waktu itu di ranking IPS angkatan gue (FINALLY AFTER YEARS OF HELLA HARD WORKS, including countless of moment dimana gue menjadi orang yang ngerjain tugas kelompok sendiri bahkan sampe bolos dan nangis nangis ok gue lemah bgt). Btw setelah membaca postan ini, mungkin lo akan menganggap pilihan-pilihan jurusan gue super labil wkwkw but yes gue selabil itu. Di SNMPTN, pilihan 1-2-3 gue adalah SBM ITB - Akuntansi Unpad - Hukum Unpad. Sementara di PPKB, gue milih Psikologi. Honestly? Impian gue waktu itu tuh akun UI, tapi gue ga seberani itu untuk milih akun UI baik lewat SNMPTN dan PPKB. Dari sekolah gue hampir gaada yang pernah tembus ke UI jurusan apapun lewat snm (meanwhile peminat akun tuh paling banyak), dan kuota jurusan akun di PPKB cuma 7 (t u j u h  guys, se-Indonesia) kursi, sementara psiko waktu itu 40 kursi dan hukum 75 kursi. Intinya, kesempatan gue masuk UI lewat snmptn tuh kecil banget, hampir gaada malah. Yes i was playing safe, karena... gini deh, mau nilai gue bagus pun nggak ada yang bisa menjamin gue keterima, ya kan? Some people blame me for this, but they don't exactly know what it feels like to be on my shoe. The game i played brought me into my first choice. Gue lagi di les di inten waktu buka pengumuman SNMPTN. Jadiii kalo ga salah pengumuman tuh keluar jam 2. Nah waktu itu tuh kita masih kelas, sementara pas jam kelas hp kita semua dikumpulin dan kelasnya beres jam 3-an. Itu sepanjang les udah paling deg-degan paraaah sampe ga fokus denger materi. Gue sebelumnya udah commit bakal buka pengumumannya di rumah aja. Tapi di saat yang sama, Kana ngabarin di line kalo dia lolos di SBM ITB dan nanyain gue lolos atau engga. Lalu komitmen gue runtuh deh hehehe ABISNYA GREGETAN GA SIH??? Akhirnya gue buka juga pengumuman meski berkali-kali fail (situsnya overload). Gue dan temen-temen buka pengumumannya bareng-bareng. Waktu gue buka dan liat ada kotak warna ijo, gue langsung teriak seneng dan dipelukkkk sama Hani Cindy dan lain lain, trus ditelfon sama Pa ID (wali kelas inten) yang nyelametin gue lulus, trus ngabarin keluarga gue kalo gue lulus. I was happy & relief at the same time karena udah 'aman' dapet kuliah di SBM ITB, tapi ga bisa dipungkiri, hati gue masih nyangkut UI, karena itu impian gue dari kecil. Apalagi begitu pengumuman PPKB keluar dan gue ga lolos, gue memutuskan untuk tetap ikut intensif dan ikut simak di bulan depannya.


/// PROM ///

Here's the thing. I used to think that prom was going to be the best moment out of my high school life. Truth is, it was not. It was just a moment. Gue ke prom barang sahabat-sahabat gue di SMA, meskipun di antaranya ada beberapa yang pergi bareng pasangannya. What happened was... i guess we were too busy minding how do we look and how others look, too busy to immortalize moments and upload it on our social media, too busy to take a good pic, and all that. I wasn't even jamming nor mumbling when Teza Sumendra sang. Yaa.. sesimple karena his songs are not my cup of tea. And my legs was fucking hurt because of that black killer high heels. Don't get it wrong though, it was a great night, but compared to the others... gue lebih cherish the moments where my friends and i went to sleepover, surprising each others' birthdays, mabal, ngejajah kantin, dll. Kayak lebih quality time aja, gitu. Habis prom, kita nginep bareng buat terakhir kalinyaaa (at least sampai saat ini, itu yang terakhir). Setelah prom, kita semua sibuk dan fokus sama jalan masing-masing menuju masa depan (DUH APASI bahasa gue).

///AFTER PROM: intensif///

Setelah prom beres, gue melanjutkan perjuangan gue dengan intensif sbmptn-simak/ujian mandiri lainnya. Tiap hari dari senin-sabtu, dari jam 6 pagi sampe malem kita diskusi, masuk kelas, latihan soal, bahas soal, tambahan, dan latihan TPA. Kayak gitu aja terus diulang selama sebulan sampe ujian mandiri. Jenuh? Nope gue justru sangat bersemangat karena di saat yang sama ada orang yang ngebuat gue betah di inten HAHAHAHA sampah emang tp itu perks kan? Kadang gue sama temen-temen yang lain juga ke inten cabang lain buat ngejar guru yang enak, ato bahas soal sambil makan di luar. Bedanya adalah ketika temen-temen gue lagi tes SBMPTN, gue lagi daftar ulang nyerahin berkas ke calon tempat kuliah gue saat itu. Besok-besoknya yaa intensif lagi sampe SIMAK (di sini udah mulai kepisah pisah sih sama temen-temen, karena ada yang sibuk sama persiapan utul UGM, IPB, swasta, kedinasan, dll). Tapi pernah bolos sehari deng karena ikut gathering sbm! Hehe. Gue terus belajar (mostly dengerin rekaman sejarah Bu HN lol) dan latihan soal SIMAK. Nah terus... tiba hari ujian SIMAK. Gue kebagian ujian di SMAN 7 Bandung. Gue dateng sekitar sejam lebih awal dan karena kakak gue gabisa ikut nunggu, gue nunggu sendiri sambil makan di warteg sebelah ha ha BTW WARTEGNYA ENAK & MURE... i know gapenting si tapi yaudahlah. Skip skip skip... ujian lah gue. Waktu ngerjain soal, gue bener-bener setenang itu, ga degdegan sama sekali. Rumor tentang soal simak lebih susah daripada sbmptn itu gue gabisa bandingin guys, karena gue gaikut sbmptn. Tapi soal simak emang susah, soal-soalnya emang sedetil itu. Gue bener-bener ngejawab apa yang gue bisa, tapi sekiranya ada yang 50:50 antara jawab atau engga, i decided to keep answer. I got nothing to lose, afterall. Gue agak lega sejujurnya karena soal yang bisa gue jawab kehitung banyak, lebih banyak dari target gue bahkan.


Kira-kira sebulan setelahnya, pengumuman SBMPTN keluar, disusul dengan pengumuman ujian mandiri lainnya. Gue turut bahagia ngeliat temen-temen gue lolos di pilihan yang mereka pengen. Di saat yang sama, ada temen-temen gue yang masih struggle karena belom dapet kuliah. Gue sendiri masih nunggu pengumuman SIMAK. Pas hari H pengumuman, gue udah bilang ke mama biar ga kecewa kalo gue ga dapet. Begitu gue buka website pengumuman...

"Mah mah ini kayaknya keterima deh..."
"Ah bohong (ini 50:50 antara seneng dan ga percaya"
"Hah masa sih bentar bentar (((baca ulang))) TAPI INI BENERAN KETERIMA nih yaampun ada tulisannya 'Selamat Anda diterima sebagai calon mahasiswa baru Universitas Indonesia'"
"Ah yang bener Sya?"
"IYAAA MAH YAAMPUN COBA LIAT INI DEH."

trus kita berdua pelukan, nangis bahagia. *insert emotional gif here*

Alhamdulillah, perjuangan gue dibayar dengan lolos ke fakultas hukum. Meskipun pilihan dua, still, it seemed so unreal that i got into UI. Karena dari dulu, jujur gue selalu ngerasa UI tuh out of my league. Secara gue bercermin dari kakak-kakak gue dan ngeliat gimana perjuangan susahnya dapet kuliah. Apalagi ini UI.

Kebanyakan orang menyimpulkan tindakan gue selfish, egois, self-oriented, dan ga mikirin adik kelas gue tentang nolak snmptn. Ada yang ngechat gue, confront gue langsung tentang keputusan gue ambil UI, bahkan beberapa orang ada yang seniat itu untuk bikin fake account dan send hate message di instagram. Gue nggak membenarkan apa yang gue lakukan, tapi seandainya lo berada di posisi gue, would you sacrifice your future for someone else's? (dalam konteks ini, ya adik kelas). Especially the future you had been worked so hard for. I bet not. Cold truth is, it's never been an easy process for me, too. Dari awal proses snmptn-ppkb-bahkan sampe gue keterima UI pun, gue terus berdebat sama keluarga gue. Mulai dari nentuin pilihan jurusan SNMPTN, peminatan bisnis yang gue ambil (di sini gue sempet cekcok sama mama), nentuin pilihan dari dua pilihan yang sama bagusnya sampe riset ke sana sini (di sini gue sempet berantem sama kakak gue), finding out what's right for me, dealing with the teachers, and all that. It was never easy. Ga semulus yang beberapa orang pikirin.

Setelah melalui banyak pertimbangan (and countless of debate), gue akhirnya memutuskan melanjutkan studi gue di hukum ui! Never have i feel ungrateful for being a student here. I'm truly lucky, truly blessed. And as this post was posted, i'm already finishing my first term of semester dan lagi menikmati liburan semester di Bandung! Gue sangaaaat mencintai semester pertama gue di UI, bahagia banget, walaupun capek & struggle but i love it to bits.

Alhamdulillahirabbil aalamin.


reminiscing

SMA

6:13 PM

This post is written based on my personal contemplation and experience during high school. Sekaligus jadi pesan buat adik-adik gue (yang technically gue gak punya sih wakakakak) dan anak gue nanti (masih lama sih sebenernya hmm tapi yasudahlah).

Ketika banyak orang bilang masa SMA adalah masa terindah dalam hidup, bagi gue itu nggak berlaku. As you know (i wrote this several times on my previous posts), my high school life sucks. High school life loh ya bukan high school-nya karena SMA 2 is no less than perfect (berjayalah sepanjang masaaa~~). Oke let's start it. Semester satu sampai tiga merupakan masa yang beraaattt banget. Bisa dibilang, selama itulah gue berproses untuk adjust sama kehidupan SMA yang serba baru, serba beda, serba keras. Some of you might think aelah sekeras apa sih hidup anak SMA?. Tapi nyatanya emang berat dan keras banget, cui. Serius. Di masa SMA, gue 'terbentur' sana sini.

High school: it's all about friendship, love, ambition, passion, and values.

Di masa SMA, gue mulai mencari tau siapa orang yang sebenarnya kawan, lawan, atau kawan yang sebenarnya lawan. I found the truest, the meanest, the funniest, the richest, the uniquest, the toughest, the frenemy, the fake ones, and the real ones here. Things they said about how your friends might be not your bestfriends is true. I have several circles of friendship. But the real bestfriends i can count is actually no more than a dozen. Ada temen yang emang enak cuma buat diajak have fun, temen buat ngopi ngopi, temen buat belajar, temen buat berbagi hobi tapi ga enak buat jalan, temen yang enak buat jalan tapi ga bisa diajak sharing, dll. Get over it. You can never expect somebody to be somebody you wanted to be. Gak usah expect mereka buat selalu ada untuk kita. The realest one is always there even you didn't ask them to be. And when you find one, treasure it. The bravest thing i've ever done in high school was cutting some people off who brings negativity into my life. Some brought me misery, brought me into major insecurities, brought me into other things i didn't want to. And yep, that taught me that your friends aren't always going to be your friends.

I went through several loves and heartbreaks. Unrequited love, unhealthy love, and some idk-if-it's-love loves. It feels so good to fall in love. It once felt like everything. But in fact, it is NOT. It's just a thing. It's just a lil piece of thing that brings you both happiness and sadness. Gue ngerasain bagaimana ~cinta~ bisa membuat gue merasa jadi orang yang paling bahagia di dunia, tapi pernah juga membuat gue merasa nggak jauh beda sama sampah.  I wish i could say this to me several years ago; fall. but don't fall too hard. feel. but don't get too overwhelmed. don't expect. it comes when it less expected. don't take it seriously. NEVER take it seriously. most of the chance it's not going to be long lasted. dan yang paling penting: love. smartly. or you'll regret some things.

Oh and you know what? High school is a bunch of hard works. Everything is just too much. Not just the friendship and the love, but mostly it's about ourselves. It's a hard work to find the real us. Gue dan teman-teman di sekitar gue (menurut observasi gue sih kalo ini) merasakan hal yang sama: terombang-ambing. We tried to find balance in everything. We tried to find the gray side of all the blacks and whites. Kerja keras untuk bilang 'nggak' untuk hal yang kita nggak suka tapi orang-orang suka. Untuk bilang 'iya' pada sesuatu yang kita suka, despite of others judgement and hatred, atau bilang 'iya' karena nggak mau missing out aja.. Untuk ikut yang lain minum atau enggak. Untuk belajar di kelas sampe suntuk atau cabut bareng yang lain. To party or not to party. Untuk tau apa yang sebenarnya benar dan apa yang harusnya nggak dilakukan, because sometimes it feels right anyway. Untuk memilih sesuatu berdasarkan apa yang benar-benar kita mau, bukan apa kata opini orang. Untuk sesekali egois demi kepuasan diri. Untuk ngejalanin hidup berdasarkan values yang kita miliki, meski harus bertabrakan dengan values orang lain. And the other 'to or not to's. Intinya, kerja keras untuk berani menjadi diri sendiri. Those things were our real homeworks. Screw math! Berjuang untuk lulus matematika, ekonomi, fisika dll di SMA itu bullshit. Just do the homeworks and the tasks, ujung-ujungnya lo pasti lulus juga. Tapi untuk lulus di 'mencari jati diri'... sampai sekarang gue masih bisa liat beberapa teman-teman gue masih struggling dalam hal ini.

Satu setengah terakhir masa SMA gue, untungnya, berakhir dengan baik. Beyond expected malahan. I was really happy, and i finally got a chance to love high school. I ended it with my great friends, great experiences, great bazaar (yuhuuu Darani Maneka!!!), great prom, dan hasil belajar yang baik juga. I had great, memorable, sweet moments, indeed. And i'm blessed for it; both the ups and downs.

So....

That's it. My version and my stories might be different with yours. Mungkin bagi lo masa SMA adalah waktu terbaik dalam hidup lo dan nggak setuju dengan statement gue di atas. Kalo iya, ya sukur lo nggak se-struggle gue. Again, gue bilang tulisan ini berdasarkan pengalaman dan pemikiran gue aja. Maybe high school are both best and worst part of our lives, no?

For you, soon-to-be-the-high schoolers... good luck! Enjoy it, as much as you can. Feel it. Survive it. And most importantly... live it :)

May the odds be ever in our favor!

High school pictures are soon going to be updated in this post! :p