1. re: stacks, rosyln, wash. - bon iver

kalo hidup gue tuh film, kayaknya lagu-lagunya bon iver bakal mendominasi jadi official soundtrack deh. nggak tau kenapa, selalu ada momen-momen penting dalam hidup gue yang bertepatan di saat gue lagi nyetel atau lagi seneng-senengnya sama lagu bon iver yang itu. gue pernah cerita salah satunya di post yang ini. re:stacks is for the one with the perfect stranger. sebagai seseorang yang mudah banget lupa (be it nama orang, muka orang, atau cerita orang 2 hari yang lalu), he and his eyes were pretty memorable. even after four frikkin years. rosyln is for the one when i found this big hole in my life right after somebody in high school broke my heart (yang kalo diinget-inget lagi nyesel how foolish i was back then). wash. reminds me of a particular moment where mama and i were having a deep conversation about life in my room, which i ended up burst in tears the moment she left 

2. flux - ellie goulding

this one reminds me of myself in 2019. i've said this a few times, 2019 was such a pain in the ass. tahun di mana gue ngerasa ditempa, hidup gue berat, mentally unhealthy, emotionally fragile, i broke down a few times, i lived in confusion and loneliness, i was battling my own self, deconstructing my own values and perspectives toward almost everything in my life, reevaluating things; what kind of person am i? what kind of person i wanna be? what i really value in a person. what i like and dislike. what i agree and disagree. things i want to pursue. things i'm looking for in a partner. things i decided to put in the past behind me. apa yang gue hargai dari diri gue sendiri. yada yada yada tahun self-realization gue lah menuju gerbang kedewasaan. anyway, lagu ini keputer di spotify di momen gue lagi berada di puncak capek+sedih banget terus kabur ke perpusat sambil nahan nangis di sepanjang jalan. everytime i listen to this song, i'd always remember that day, dan gue selalu ngerasa diingetin kalo tuh gue tuh kuat udah lewatin itu semua.

3. song for zula - phosphorescent

lagu ini muncul waktu late night drive keliling jakarta bareng aji & dida. ever since that time, lagu ini selalu bikin gue dramatisasi momen nyetir malem-malem. heheh

4. melebur semesta - sal

dengan syarat: versi soundcloudnya aja. waktu lagu ini pertama keluar jaman sma di soundcloud dan penyanyinya belum seterkenal sekarang (bahkan dulu belum jadi penyanyi, masih jadi seleb askfm), i sent this song to a special person and he sent me back with a voice note of him singing and playing guitar (yang ternyata dipost di soundcloud juga). lagu yang dinyanyiin buat kita tuh emang pasti hold close to our heart ya. music is indeed such a love language sih. i even consider ngirim link lagu ke orang lain-karena-kayaknya-dia-bakal-suka-lagu-ini as a sweet gesture. however due to our circumstances, this song left me with such bittersweet aftertaste.

5. you are in love - taylor swift

what a perfect song to fall in love, what a perfect song to remind me of december 6

kata-kata itu nggak pernah relate sama gue sampai belakangan ini gue alami sendiri. ever since it happened, i often question myself every single day; do i really know who (a person) is? what makes them become who they are? what they have gone through?

apparently, years and years living so close with somebody doesn't mean you really know who they are. what they're made of. hidup tuh kok penuh kejutan ya? menimbang bagaimana pandangan gue terhadap seseorang bisa berubah seketika, seratus delapan puluh derajat, ketika dihadapkan fakta-fakta yang baru hadir di kehidupan gue.. gue nggak akan bisa melihat seseorang dengan cara yang sama lagi. some were the cold truths that hard to chew. they slap you right in the face. sometimes.. not only they changed the way you look at that person, they changed you too. life has been such a puzzle i keep trying to put pieces by pieces. turns out; every person is like that too.

p.s: you might not know who your closest ones really are. your family is not an exception.

i sleep at 2am and wake up at 10am everyday. so not me. so not motivated. gue bener bener butuh diri gue yang selalu bangun pagi di kosan trus ke perpusat, ngerjain apa yang bisa gue cicil se-early mungkin dari submission date atau simply baca buku / pretending baca buku, denger lagu, me-time. instead, gue malah procrastinating.

however, this time, this time.. I'M REALLY DONEEE ngerasa unenergized, penat dan exhausted mikirin dan ngejalanin hari-hari gue dengan gak happy! i need no more dullness in my life. my life is too precious for living such a lazy, unmotivated life like that. gue mau seneng, gue mau ngerasa alive, gue mau bebas, gue mau LEPAAAS, gue mau ke pantai, gue mau teriak sampe serak!

gue tau gue ga bisa ngelakuin 2 hal yang terakhir itu di situasi kayak gini. tapi lo tau ga sih, kalo ternyata refreshing your playlist and dancing to your favorite, happy songs turn out bisa bikin gue just as happy, i mean GENUINELY HAPPY that your body and energy filled by these pure enjoyment??? 

gila, ternyata udah selama itu gue ga ngerasa genuinely happy kayak gini! my skill in dancing is questionable, but i danced for 2 hours long in my bedroom (with my door locked) happily, sooooo lively, excitedly!!! i remember the moment i danced this happy was when i fell in love with a boy in high school and when the last exam in the 5th semester ended (which was, if i'm not mistaken, haptun), under the influence :))

gosh, what did i do with my life?

I SHOULD'VE LIVED MY LIFE LIKE THIS THE ENTIRE TIME! being so energized and alive and excited. don't get me wrong; emang gak rasional kalo gue memaksa diri gue untuk merasa selalu happy. tapi di saat gue emang lagi happy, harusnya gue bener-bener relish the feeling of being truly and genuinely happy! kayaknya gue terlalu banyak melewatkan momen-momen bahagia gue for granted (?), lewat begitu aja. lagian momen-momen bahagia di hidup gue yang deserve to be danced out harusnya gak cuma pas gue lagi jatuh cinta atau ujian beres aja gak sih? i should've dance my life out! 

anyway. sejujurnya gue gak tau arah pembicaraan gue kemana sih. terlebih gue ngetik ini sambil sibuk goyang di kursi plus nyanyi Mixtape 2003-nya The Academic,. perhaps i'm just trying to say: when you're feeling dull and exhausted and your life gets messy.. sometimes you just gotta dance it out.

p.s: this playlist contains my go-to songs to dance (awkwardly). it helped me. maybe it could help you too