i wish i could say thank you in person to alexander desplat for his music changed my life

:')

beberapa bulan lalu, gue berkesempatan buat road trip ke semarang, jogja dan solo via jalur darat lewat tol transjawa. bukan pertama kalinya memang, karena tiap mudik ke jawa pun gue selalu melewati jalur yang sama, selalu kebagian jadi supir pula.

bagi yang belum tahu, tol trans jawa itu cenderung sepi. i kinda love the dry, barren vibes of the landscape though. ada sensasi yang beda tiap kali gue nyetir di sana. i contemplate about a lot of things when i drive. i still remember perfectly how sweet disposition was being played on the radio, and somehow my blood and adrenaline rushed so quickly that i pushed the gas even more (don't worry i limit my speed).

t'was the best ride ever that it was pictured perfect in my head, clearly. i can see i'll go back in any time soon.

i wish i could eradicate the fear of rejection that obstruct me to gain bigger things in life

i wish i could eradicate the fear of rejection that obstruct me to gain bigger things in life

someday, when i have kids.. i'd like to teach them one or two things about listening to other people.

first. people will always have opinion about us. sebagian besar dari opini-opini itu semua nggak harus dipikirin dan dijadikan alasan buat kita takut berekspresi. you feel like you wanna dance when you're happy? dance it out. you wanna color your hair blue? go for it. there'll always be people who like you, people who pretend that they like you, and people who just don't. we'll never be happy doing things when we're worrying the whole time thinking about other people's thoughts. eventually, we'll never be happy living our lives. their opinions don't matter, your happiness matter.

second. nggak perlu terlalu sering nanya tentang opini orang. apalagi sampai dijadiin validasi. terlalu banyak nanya pendapat orang perlahan bikin kita ngerasa nggak pernah pede dan berujung susah ngerasa yakin sama pilihan yang kita buat sendiri. don't depend your choice on anyone's opinion, you'll slowly lose yourself.

three. when we worry about other people's judgments too much, we'll become judgmental too. just let people be happy for what they're doing. let them be them and you just do you.

hai, b. it's (always) been a long time

i just sat next to a father who keeps making phone call to his little son. i heard the whole conversation as he turned the volume very high, as if he wanted everyone to hear how lovely that his innocence child begging him to come home; saying that he misses him. geez the whole trip was suffocating that it reminded me how sucks jealousy is.

i'll never be ready for adulthood

this blank space gives me such a heavy pressure. every single time. di saat yang sama, juga seolah ngetawain gue yang kebingungan harus nulis apa. harus berbagi apa. harus cerita apa. harus apa.

hanya ada segelintir orang di hidup gue yang pernah menyaksikan & been through with me.. emotionally naked.

fragile.

and i'm thankful for your existence.

for handling me through those bumps. for accepting me being who i am, my emotions. my random rants at 4 am when i had my breakdown. my random burst-out tears in the car at midnight.

thank you

you know who you are.

it's raining outside and here i am; stuck in the library among the other people.

have i ever told you that library is my favorite place?

i love to spend my free times here. guess this is the only place where you can walk around, eat, and just sit and relax alone without feeling weird. kenapa sih masih ada orang yang nganggep spend some time sendiri tuh aneh? for me it's liberating. lega banget rasanya.

life has been pretty much normal. mulai ada kesibukan, tugas, dan kegiatan-kegiatan lainnya. sejujurnya gue agak menyesal kenapa gue memutuskan ambil kuliah jamber semester ini. tadinya gue berharap senin gue suci. kalo senin gue suci, gue punya waktu 3 hari buat ngabisin weekend di rumah.

by the way, mba yaya left us this morning. tadi pagi gue, mba ajeng dan mama bareng-bareng nganterin mba yaya ke airport setelah dari kemarin keliling-keliling wisata kuliner di jakarta. mama bener-bener pengen manjain mba yaya sebelum dia pergi ke pontianak. jalan-jalan kesana, kesini, makan ini makan itu dijabanin. tapi yang pasti, dari kemarin kita ngabisin waktu bareng dan berkualitas. kita cerita banyak, ngobrol banyak, more hugs.. more tears.

mata gue sampe sembab banget tadi pagi. dipikir-pikir, dari kecil, kita emang ga pernah tinggal bareng untuk waktu yang lama. trus sekarang masing-masing anggota keluarga gue hidup kepisah-pisah. gue di depok, mama di bandung, mba ajeng di slipi, papa di cikini, dan mba yaya sekarang di pontianak.

akhir akhir ini pikiran gue nggak tenang. gue kepikiran mama terus yang mulai sekarang sendiri di bandung. meskipun ada art, gue tetep khawatir. puncaknya kemarin waktu gue di bandung abis pulang malem, gue ngeliat pager rumah kebuka dan ga dikunci gembok, pintu rumah juga cuma kekunci satu kali. harusnya itu tugas art gue buat mati-matiin lampu dan kunci rumah begitu udah malem. entah kenapa gue agak kalut waktu itu negur art gue dengan nada tinggi. bukan simply karena dia lalai, tapi karena gue tau untuk beberapa tahun ke depan, cuma dia yang bisa jagain mama sehari-hari selama gue nggak ada di rumah. dan dia nggak hati-hati.

gue juga jadi mikir kemana mana. kenapa gue harus kuliah di sini, jauh dari keluarga yang butuhin gue? kenapa gue ga kuliah di bandung aja?

huffff

siang kemarin gue sampai ke rumah dari perjalanan jakarta-bandung.

last year was though.