9:51 PM

little thing does matter, they said. and i must say i agree. hal kecil kayak omongan body-shaming kadang bisa bikin confidence gue fall down to the bottom, yet little thing such as trying prom dress could make me happy and feel beautiful. though i hadn't took a shower yet, rambut belom dikeramas tiga hari, lengan gue yang gede, tangan belang, dan muka gue berminyak, i was happy. i chose to be happy that day.

hopefully this optimistic mind long last though! :)


week 7: my childhood memories

7:53 PM

There's one special thing about my childhood i will never forget: i happened to have the greatest bestfriend ever, Mbah Kakung.

I just got a chance to see 2 out of 4 of my grandparents. Mbah Sumi, nenek dari keluarga papa dan Mbah Kakung, kakek dari keluarga mama. Mbah Sumi and I weren't that close, we just met once or twice a year kalo lagi lebaran atau liburan aja. Tapi dengan Mbah Kakung, we happened to live under the same rooftop for several years sampai Mbah Kakung meninggal.

Mbah Kakung was a very sweet, kind, and thoughtful person. We were so close back then. I often sleep on his bed. We used to watch soccer on tv together, though i didn't understand any single thing about soccer. Mbah Kakung shares his bed with me when i was overslept, he even comforted and soothed me down when i was scared in the middle of the night due to the cats' fight. I remembered i peed myself on the floor and Mbah Kakung was cover me up from my mom. Mbah Kakung loved me so much, and so did i. Apparently time flies and his health got worse, he barely walk meskipun udah pakai kruk. I remember that one time when it was just him & the-4th-grade-me. Mbah Kakung mau ke toilet dan kebetulan nggak ada orang dewasa yang bisa mapah Mbah Kakung buat jalan ke toilet. So there was I, helping him to walk, sambil ngeringis nahan bobotnya Mbah Kakung, nggak sanggup. I love him so much that i became so emotional watching him getting old and weaker. All i could think was i need to be strong for him since i was the only person he can depend on that day.

Mbah Kakung had a stroke and survived diabetics for 10 years. He went a lot of critical times when i was in the 5-6ish grade. Mbah Kakung lebih banyak istirahat dan punya 'temen' baru sendiri sejak itu, Suster Gita dan Bibi. Mbah Kakung even got trouble with talking that he can't speak properly. Mbah Kakung bahkan sempat lupa cara sholat. My heart hurt so much seeing him in pain.

Our last meeting wasn't going well. I was hurrily preparing stuffs for mudik on the second day of Idul Fitri that i forgot to say goodbye to Mbah Kakung when i was left. And the biggest mistake of mine was having thoughts that 'ya udah deh, nanti juga ketemu lagi sama Mbah'.

I never had that chance.

Mbah Kakung passed away the night right after we arrived in Slawi. When i heard of it, my heart explode. It burst. It was broken. It tore apart into pieces

My bestfriend just had gone forever, and i didn't have a chance to say goodbye for the last time.

As i'm writing this post, tears are streaming through my eyes. The pain and the regrets still exist, sampai sekarang.

... I miss him so much.

Mbah Kakung; he was the sweetest childhood memories of mine that i treasured. He is forever my bestfriend and i'm glad to have spaces for him in my heart.

so today


7:09 PM

/// M A Y ///

May might be my favorite month in the past 5 months since 2017 started. May is full of surprises, graces and butterflies. The fact that i officially graduated from high school in May makes me happy. Apalagi gue udah berada di posisi yang safe karena udah dapet kuliah. Alhamdulillahirabbilalamin. God is always good. I just graduated two days agooo, peeps!!! FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY BYE HIGH SCHOOL. I used to hate you but i'm relief that our relationship ended with nice ending and good memories ;-p

Rutinitas gue di bulan ini adalah belajar di inten setiap hari, dari pagi sampe sore. I happened to meet the same people everyday. Semangat SBMPTN ya temen-temen :) anyway, i'm so happy that i got a chance to met this one guy i admire here. We're more like acquaintance, though we chatted once and follow each other's social media. Our relatives know each other. I've always been look after him all this year since he was a cute, decent, charming, calm and truly smart guy. But nah i guess i'm gonna keep it as a casual feeling, eventhough he's one of the reason why'd i come to inten everyday. HAHA. ups.

I got a new cameraaa!!! Holy holy holy holy fudge finally after all this time begging with blood sweat and tears. I made a deal with my mum that if i got accepted to college through SNMPTN, she should give me a proper reward for my three years effort in school. Dan alhamdulillah kamera idaman udah di tangan. I'm loving it everyday and looking forward to have a great feeds :') #millennials.

Prom is coming in another couple of weeks. I got my dress already :) and i love it into bits since the dress is so much look alike with Hermione's dress on the Yule Ball... omgomgomg i even plan to do my hair just like her. Except of course, no Viktor Krum on my version.

First gathering fakultas. Yang ini agak agak lil bit frightening sih.. i'm always excited yet nervous tiap kali masuk lingkungan baru. Bismillah bismillah bismillah.

So much more is going to come in another two weeks left of May. Can't wait to see what's coming, though :)

late night thoughts

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5:47 PM

Menurut gue, loving ourselves is such huge steps to do. Some steps even feel so hard. Dan harus gue akui, mine isn't always going forward. Kadang proses itu berjalan maju, stagnan, atau mundur. I've been sure in my whole life that i don't listen what people will say about me, tapi buktinya gue memutuskan untuk turning off comment di postan instagram gue hari ini karena insecure about my frizzy hair and chubby cheeks and big thighs and fatty tummy on the pic. I usually reply the hate comments with making up some jokes about it, but at some point it's just exhausting. Kalo gue truly loving myself as the way it is, gue udah 100% persen ngepost puluhan foto yang selama ini pengen gue post without minding my pores, my hair or my acnes. Udah bodo amat orang mau komen badan gue gimana tanpa harus gue turning off comment option. Udah bodo amat sebodo bodonya, setolol tololnya, segoblok gobloknya. Besides, apa orang yang mencintai dan menerima dirinya sendiri 100% bener-bener exist di dunia yang cruel kayak gini?

bucket list

holiday bucket list

8:43 PM

What to do in 3 months before college starts:

1) Redecorate my room. I think it's finally the right time to really own a room for myself setelah hampir 19 tahun selalu hijrah tidurnya (dan mostly di kamar mama). I'm thinking of buying stuffs like rugs, curtain, ornaments, or even make a lil photo studio in my room.

2) Ke Kingkong, beli banyak film dan namatin Grey's Anatomy yang mandek dari season 5 sampe season 13. Bahan ngabuburit di bulan puasa yeah :-)

3) Cut my hair into short, right after prom.

4) Ngelukis lagi. It's been a year since i touch my painting stuffs, even though i'm not really good at it.

5) Beli bibit bunga matahari trus ditanem di halaman rumah. Just wondering gimana rasanya berkebun since i have no experience at it, at all. Dan iya, harus banget bunga matahari.

6) Turning off my phone for 3 whole days. Seems impossible sih... but seriously, isn't it exhausting to fear of missing something out on the internet?

7) Go to several coffee shops i never been to, just to blog.

8) Spend some days in my sister's place and explore Jakarta by myself. Ga pernah sempet nyobain claypot popo di pasar santa sama nyobain kopinya tuku. Oh, dan makan gultik. Oke, kenapa sih yang ada di pikiran gue selalu makanan?

9) Do a video project or photo shoot project.

10) Making all these holiday bucket list happen.

source pic: pinterest