dear blog,

a lot of things happened in these past two months. ever since i've graduated, i felt like i'm such a whole new person. like i just pressed a restart button and started my life again; this time, with my full authority. there's also this urge of changing; of moving forward; of letting certain things go, and you are one of them. i'm sorry i decided to move out from this platform. but primarily, i'm sorry that you (i'm talking to you, blogspot) are not developing. i wanted to write consistently, but the UI & UX somehow are not tempting me to. nevertheless, it's been a wonderful 11 years journey.

peek the next chapters of my life here!

love,

O.

Throughout my life, I've always been so sure that I'm able to manage my emotion very well. Dulu gue kira demikian karena gue jarang ngerasa upset, sedih, dan nangis. Jarang sekali sampai bisa dihitung jari, even amidst the awful year (if that's even relevant though). Tahun 2020 kemarin, gue hanya nangis 3 kali. Saking jarangnya, semua momen nangis itu gue inget banget kapan, kenapa, dan bagaimana. I VERY rarely cry, but when I do, yakin banget situasi di balik itu + momen-momen itu adalah 'landmark cases' which affect significantly in my life.

Tapi apakah jarang sedih dan nangis berarti menjadikan lo orang yang tough dan emotionally mature? That's the question I've asked myself lately... On the second day of 2021, I just learnt that I might be not that tough nor that emotionally mature. In fact, there might be something unhealthy in the way I manage my emotions. Emotion is tricky. You have to be able to control it, but it could go wrong either because you lose that control or because you're too good at it .

Kenapa gue bahas ini? Karena hari ini gue nangis! Hahahah (aneh juga nangis tapi kok ketawa...). Hari ini aktivitas gue banyak dan cape banget dibanding biasanya sampe pulang-pulang migrain, berdiri sakit, jalan sakit, kemudian I was gaslighted over unimportant things, dapet komentar sekelibat yang gaenak didenger (sesimple 'jutek banget sih mukanya' yang biasanya gue abaikan begitu aja saking gak pentingnya, tapi entah kenapa gue lagi sensitif dan kesel banget dengernya). I was so upset, I unintentionally snapped my sister (I felt really bad after it dan gue minta maaf, however discomfort it is). I was going to sleep early and forgot all these bad things yang terjadi hari ini, tapi gak bisa. Instead, I was crying for an hour. Nangis ya karena cape banget, ya sakit banget nih pala, gaenak juga aftertaste udah ngelampiasin emosi ke kakak gue (ya meski udah maaf maafan tetep aja kan nyesel, kayak... it shouldn't have happened gitulo..?). I was very emotional, but I felt really bad seeing myself crying. Di situ gue sadar rupanya selama ini gue nggak se-emotionally mature itu untuk normalize sedih dan nangis di saat yang seharusnya! Gila juga dipikir-pikir. I've always thought that I got NO time to cry. How unhealthy is it? My (figuratively) old self would say that I'm such an immature... crying over little things! Pasti mikir lebay kalo gue nangis karena ginian doang dan nyia-nyiain waktu nangis. Mikirnya 'kalo lo mengedepankan otak dibanding emosi lo mending lo sekarang tidur, biar sakit kepala lo kelar, besok bisa bangun pagi banyak yang bisa dikerjain, besok juga lo udah lupa elaaa'. But I don't think that was me anymore... Setelah gue puas nangis, gue berusaha untuk mendekonstruksikan pemikiran gue (?). I have come into closure and decided that it is actually okay and acceptable to cry at this circumstance. This was one of those heavy days in life dimana nangis tuh wajar kok... ya kan? (lah nanya...) The point is, jangan ngerasa nangis tuh haram atau ngebuat lo (this is me writing to myself) ngerasa gak dewasa. Jangan keras sama diri sendiri! Jangan lupa kalo itu tuh justru karunia; bahwa manusia bisa punya perasaan dan emosi. Just my two cents: if you put a bar for your feelings and emotions, you might as well just dehumanize yourself. a en je a yeee.

Dah ah cape. Udah puas mengeluarkan ini dari kepala gue. Kayanya bisa bobo nyenyak abis ini. Belajar lagi yang banyak ya tahun ini!!

hari ini gue hepi banget!

udah dua minggu ini cuaca bandung (baca: cimahi, hehe) bener-bener gloomy. mendung dari pagi sampe sore, nggak ada sinar matahari langsung, langitnya selalu abu-abu butek. i used to love this gloomy weather. tapi sebagai seseorang yang kadang menggantungkan productivity mood kepada cuaca di luar, gloomy weather is nottttt goood. bawannya bangun-bangun ingin ku menarik selimut dan rebahan lagi. pagi ini, begitu keluar rumah liat langit biru cerah & ada matahari, saat itu juga gue langsung keluarin sepeda dan gowes keliling kompleks. mood gue pagi ini langsung baguuus banget. dipikir-pikir, such simple things in life... cuma gara-gara cuaca, bisa ya bikin gue mendadak sebahagia ini. we really take some things in our lives for granted, don't we?

sepanjang sepedaan, gue bener-bener nikmatiiiin tiap kayuhan sepeda, liat sekeliling sambil dengerin playlist andalan gue. i've been constantly thinking about things, mostly: kuliah, skripsi, tugas, or being anxious about kuliah, skripsi dan tugas :))) but not this time.

sempat terbesit di pikiran gue; ini nggak sih yang orang-orang bilang mindful state of mind?

sejujurnya, gue belum begitu dalam menggali konsep mindfulness. tapi, yang pasti gue bener-bener ngerasa content dan 'sensing' all things around me. menaruh seluruh atensi gue ke apa yang ada di depan mata dan sekeliling gue. gak ke hp maupun laptop layaknya apa yang gue lakukan hampir sepanjang hari. pagi ini, gue memutuskan gue ingin living mindfully setiap hari! pengen live in the present. pengen menghargai setiap kegiatan yang gue lakuin dan hal-hal yang ada di sekitar. pengen belajar lagi tentang konsep mindful living. p.s: at the moment, gue sambil baca Modern Spirituality: A Guide to the Heart of Mindfulness, Meditation, and The Art of Healing.

pokoknya, hari ini gue ngerasa bahagia, damai dan content... dan iya. cuma gara-gara cuaca.

titik.