thoughts

december

8:38 PM


December and I have always shared something remarkable
it might be both warm and cold, it might be melancholic, it might be breathtakingly enchanting
December and I have always shared the sweetest thing
it might be a peculiar coincidence, it might be a place, it might be a moment
December and I have always shared something historic
it might be a boy, it might be a self-realization, it might be a song

December and I... have always shared something only we both know and treasure




spies

9:01 PM

 i awake to see that no one is free
we're all fugitives
look at the way we live
down here, I can't sleep from fear, no
I said, which way do I turn?
oh I forget everything I learn

and the spies came out of the water
but you're feeling so bad, cause you know 
the spies hide out in every corner
but you can't touch them, no
cause they're all spies

simple things

10:26 PM

hari ini gue hepi banget!

udah dua minggu ini cuaca bandung (baca: cimahi, hehe) bener-bener gloomy. mendung dari pagi sampe sore, nggak ada sinar matahari langsung, langitnya selalu abu-abu butek. i used to love this gloomy weather. tapi sebagai seseorang yang kadang menggantungkan productivity mood kepada cuaca di luar, gloomy weather is nottttt goood. bawannya bangun-bangun ingin ku menarik selimut dan rebahan lagi. pagi ini, begitu keluar rumah liat langit biru cerah & ada matahari, saat itu juga gue langsung keluarin sepeda dan gowes keliling kompleks. mood gue pagi ini langsung baguuus banget. dipikir-pikir, such simple things in life... cuma gara-gara cuaca, bisa ya bikin gue mendadak sebahagia ini. we really take some things in our lives for granted, don't we?

sepanjang sepedaan, gue bener-bener nikmatiiiin tiap kayuhan sepeda, liat sekeliling sambil dengerin playlist andalan gue. i've been constantly thinking about things, mostly: kuliah, skripsi, tugas, or being anxious about kuliah, skripsi dan tugas :))) but not this time.




sempat terbesit di pikiran gue; ini nggak sih yang orang-orang bilang mindful state of mind?

sejujurnya, gue belum begitu dalam menggali konsep mindfulness. tapi, yang pasti gue bener-bener ngerasa content dan 'sensing' all things around me. menaruh seluruh atensi gue ke apa yang ada di depan mata dan sekeliling gue. gak ke hp maupun laptop layaknya apa yang gue lakukan hampir sepanjang hari. pagi ini, gue memutuskan gue ingin living mindfully setiap hari! pengen live in the present. pengen menghargai setiap kegiatan yang gue lakuin dan hal-hal yang ada di sekitar. pengen belajar lagi tentang konsep mindful living. p.s: at the moment, gue sambil baca Modern Spirituality: A Guide to the Heart of Mindfulness, Meditation, and The Art of Healing.


pokoknya, hari ini gue ngerasa bahagia, damai dan content... dan iya. cuma gara-gara cuaca.

titik.

a universe

5:16 PM

Elie Wiesel pernah bilang, "we must see in every person a universe with its own secrets, with its own treasures, with its own sources of anguish, and with some measure of triumph". i think it's such a wonderful metaphor, to see a person as a universe.

source: NASA


the quote somewhat makes me realize that we tend to forget that all things appeared on social media embodied superficiality. someone is so much more than what they chose to be seen. one consists of a brain filled with ideas and perceptions, a heart that gives birth to emotion, years of past carrying memories and scars which incised traumas, and traces of their surroundings--family, friends, society, things which make people people. this thing called instagram suka bikin gue lupa bahwa apa yang gue tau tentang mereka dari instastory dan post tuh nggak membuat gue benar-benar mengenal mereka. atau ngga usah jauh jauh via instagram deh, gue pun mungkin belum benar-benar dig down inside satu persatu secara partikular orang-orang di sekitar gue as a whole person. gue baru belajar the beauty of treasuring someone as a universe dari kakak gue yang dengan segala keberaniannya, memutuskan untuk open up tentang masa lalu dan trauma yang dia alami. i used to wonder why kenapa dia orangnya kayak gini, kenapa cara dia me-manage emosinya kayak gitu, kenapa dia cenderung begini kalo melakukan ini, dan lain-lain sampai akhirnya gue diberi potongan masa lalunya. she took hell of a courage to give me a piece of puzzle of her life yang bikin gue ngerasa kayak ditampar sambil dibilangin "you think you knew a person so much? no babe, you knew nothing at all" #drama. hehe. tapi sejak hari itu, sesungguhnya gue gak bisa memandang dia dengan cara yang sama.

both are my strong (little) sisters


ketika gue tau apa alasan dibalik semua itu, gue jadi bisa lebih memahami bagaimana rasanya berada di posisi dia, apa yang melatarbelakangi dia make such decisions, act in such ways, dan lain-lain. on a note, memang gue nggak bisa expect semua orang untuk open up dan memberikan pengertian. for some, membuka diri bisa jadi membuka luka lama. bisa jadi itu adalah sesuatu yang mereka tutup rapat juga.. karena memang nggak semua orang worth to be shared with such personal, if not deepest, informations. pun mereka juga sebenarnya nggak berkewajiban untuk memberi pengertian ke semua orang, berkoar-koar tentang apa yang mereka alami dalam hidupnya. jadi ya... mengalir aja? buat gue, ini jadi life lesson sih. semacam diingetin untuk jadi orang yang berpengertian... jauh-jauh dari prasangka buruk dan suudzon. diingetin lagi supaya bisa pendengar yang baik. tiap kali diberi kesempatan oleh orang lain untuk diceritain, gue juga jadi lebih menghargai itu. karena nggak semua orang bisa dikasih kepercayaan untuk jadi pendengar cerita mereka. kita pun picky kan untuk menceritakan beberapa hal tertentu? things that mean so much to us, tentunya kita pun hanya membagi itu ke orang yang kita percaya dan worth untuk tahu. nggak untuk yang sekedar pengen tau karena kepo doang. bercerita bisa jadi adalah hal yang sangaaatttt berarti. i guess the point is; every living person carries their own baggage. each of us comes in a package of all the good and the bad things in the past which makes us who we are. have some virtue to tolerate each flaws. be a good listener. and the most important out all of it: be a good humankind.


table for two

8:58 AM

 table for two: for you and the unfinished business




unoriginal motion picture soundtrack: my life. part 1

10:49 PM

1. re: stacks, rosyln, wash. - bon iver
kalo hidup gue tuh film, kayaknya lagu-lagunya bon iver bakal mendominasi jadi official soundtrack deh. nggak tau kenapa, selalu ada momen-momen penting dalam hidup gue yang bertepatan di saat gue lagi nyetel atau lagi seneng-senengnya sama lagu bon iver yang itu. gue pernah cerita salah satunya di post yang ini. re:stacks is for the one with the perfect stranger. sebagai seseorang yang mudah banget lupa (be it nama orang, muka orang, atau cerita orang 2 hari yang lalu), he and his eyes were pretty memorable. even after four frikkin years. rosyln is for the one when i found this big hole in my life right after somebody in high school broke my heart (yang kalo diinget-inget lagi nyesel how foolish i was back then). wash. reminds me of a particular moment where mama and i were having a deep conversation about life in my room, which i ended up burst in tears the moment she left 

2. flux - ellie goulding
this one reminds me of myself in 2019. i've said this a few times, 2019 was such a pain in the ass. tahun di mana gue ngerasa ditempa, hidup gue berat, mentally unhealthy, emotionally fragile, i broke down a few times, i lived in confusion and loneliness, i was battling my own self, deconstructing my own values and perspectives toward almost everything in my life, reevaluating things; what kind of person am i? what kind of person i wanna be? what i really value in a person. what i like and dislike. what i agree and disagree. things i want to pursue. things i'm looking for in a partner. things i decided to put in the past behind me. apa yang gue hargai dari diri gue sendiri. yada yada yada tahun self-realization gue lah menuju gerbang kedewasaan. anyway, lagu ini keputer di spotify di momen gue lagi berada di puncak capek+sedih banget terus kabur ke perpusat sambil nahan nangis di sepanjang jalan. everytime i listen to this song, i'd always remember that day, dan gue selalu ngerasa diingetin kalo tuh gue tuh kuat udah lewatin itu semua.

3. song for zula - phosphorescent
lagu ini muncul waktu late night drive keliling jakarta bareng aji & dida. ever since that time, lagu ini selalu bikin gue dramatisasi momen nyetir malem-malem. heheh

4. melebur semesta - sal
dengan syarat: versi soundcloudnya aja. waktu lagu ini pertama keluar jaman sma di soundcloud dan penyanyinya belum seterkenal sekarang (bahkan dulu belum jadi penyanyi, masih jadi seleb askfm), i sent this song to a special person and he sent me back with a voice note of him singing and playing guitar (yang ternyata dipost di soundcloud juga). lagu yang dinyanyiin buat kita tuh emang pasti hold close to our heart ya. music is indeed such a love language sih. i even consider ngirim link lagu ke orang lain-karena-kayaknya-dia-bakal-suka-lagu-ini as a sweet gesture. however due to our circumstances, this song left me with such bittersweet aftertaste.

5. you are in love - taylor swift
what a perfect song to fall in love, what a perfect song to remind me of december 6

thoughts

give good

8:54 AM

"Puji Tuhan, Neng. Semoga diberkati selalu. Puji Tuhan, Puji Tuhan... Hati-hati di jalan ya Neng."


Suara mbaknya sampe bergetar. Nangis banget gue. Ditambah lanjut nyetir sendiri di mobil malem-malem, vibes sedihnya ngedukung pol. Kadang, buat gue duit dua puluh ribu hanya sekecil uang buat beli kopi. Malah di beberapa tempat, kopi aja bisa dua-tiga kali lipatnya. Tapi gue suka nggak sadar uang kopi gue bisa segitu berartinya buat orang lain yang mo makan aja mikir dua kali.. gila, langsung berasa egois dan songong banget gue! I don't have a job yet, i'm still financially depending on my parents, i have the luxury untuk gak mikir 2x buat beli makan dan milih mo makan apa, dan baru sadar kok kayaknya frekuensi gue memberi ke orang lain tuh ga sesering gue purchase an overpriced coffee di sbux. Gue kayak disadarkan lagi kalo things we do really matter to other people, the joy of giving to other people is just real.. dan sangat, sangat fulfilling

random

puzzle

11:34 PM

you thought you knew a person so much until you realized; you knew nothing at all.


kata-kata itu nggak pernah relate sama gue sampai belakangan ini gue alami sendiri. ever since it happened, i often question myself every single day; do i really know who (a person) is? what makes them become who they are? what they have gone through?

apparently, years and years living so close with somebody doesn't mean you really know who they are. what they're made of. hidup tuh kok penuh kejutan ya? menimbang bagaimana pandangan gue terhadap seseorang bisa berubah seketika, seratus delapan puluh derajat, ketika dihadapkan fakta-fakta yang baru hadir di kehidupan gue.. gue nggak akan bisa melihat seseorang dengan cara yang sama lagi. some were the cold truths that hard to chew. they slap you right in the face. sometimes.. not only they changed the way you look at that person, they changed you too. life has been such a puzzle i keep trying to put pieces by pieces. turns out; every person is like that too.

p.s: you might not know who your closest ones really are. your family is not an exception.

random

sometimes you just gotta dance it out

12:01 AM

beberapa minggu terakhir ini gue ngerasa gloomy abis with all these stuffs going on; proposal skripsi, entry data tiap hari, the baking responsibilities (yes gue jadi jalanin le maudre by the way), overthinking about how this pandemic affects my whole plan and possible career in the future, also the feaaarrrr and the anxiety of getting older in two fucking days...  i just fucking hate birthdays. except for the presents (yang sebenernya jarang gue dapet juga sih? my family & i rarely celebrate birthdays). i just never had a thing with birthday. 

i sleep at 2am and wake up at 10am everyday. so not me. so not motivated. gue bener bener butuh diri gue yang selalu bangun pagi di kosan trus ke perpusat, ngerjain apa yang bisa gue cicil se-early mungkin dari submission date atau simply baca buku / pretending baca buku, denger lagu, me-time. instead, gue malah procrastinating.

however, this time, this time.. I'M REALLY DONEEE ngerasa unenergized, penat dan exhausted mikirin dan ngejalanin hari-hari gue dengan gak happy! i need no more dullness in my life. my life is too precious for living such a lazy, unmotivated life like that. gue mau seneng, gue mau ngerasa alive, gue mau bebas, gue mau LEPAAAS, gue mau ke pantai, gue mau teriak sampe serak!

gue tau gue ga bisa ngelakuin 2 hal yang terakhir itu di situasi kayak gini. tapi lo tau ga sih, kalo ternyata refreshing your playlist and dancing to your favorite, happy songs turn out bisa bikin gue just as happy, i mean GENUINELY HAPPY that your body and energy filled by these pure enjoyment??? 

gila, ternyata udah selama itu gue ga ngerasa genuinely happy kayak gini! my skill in dancing is questionable, but i danced for 2 hours long in my bedroom (with my door locked) happily, sooooo lively, excitedly!!! i remember the moment i danced this happy was when i fell in love with a boy in high school and when the last exam in the 5th semester ended (which was, if i'm not mistaken, haptun), under the influence :))

gosh, what did i do with my life?

I SHOULD'VE LIVED MY LIFE LIKE THIS THE ENTIRE TIME! being so energized and alive and excited. don't get me wrong; emang gak rasional kalo gue memaksa diri gue untuk merasa selalu happy. tapi di saat gue emang lagi happy, harusnya gue bener-bener relish the feeling of being truly and genuinely happy! kayaknya gue terlalu banyak melewatkan momen-momen bahagia gue for granted (?), lewat begitu aja. lagian momen-momen bahagia di hidup gue yang deserve to be danced out harusnya gak cuma pas gue lagi jatuh cinta atau ujian beres aja gak sih? i should've dance my life out! 

anyway. sejujurnya gue gak tau arah pembicaraan gue kemana sih. terlebih gue ngetik ini sambil sibuk goyang di kursi plus nyanyi Mixtape 2003-nya The Academic,. perhaps i'm just trying to say: when you're feeling dull and exhausted and your life gets messy.. sometimes you just gotta dance it out.

p.s: this playlist contains my go-to songs to dance (awkwardly). it helped me. maybe it could help you too

random

23 juli

6:56 PM

hari anak nasional somehow selalu bikin gue sedih dan mellow. gue selalu berangan-angan bisa merayakan hari anak dengan sesuatu yang membuat gue bahagia. mengenang lagu anak-anak yang gue suka jaman kecil: cinta untuk mama, album-album sherina dan tasya. film anak-anak yang gue tonton jaman kecil: petualangan sherina, joshua oh joshua, children of heaven. reminisce memori gue di masa kecil, temen-temen gue dulu, cerita lucu pas kecil. instead, yang dibrought up tiap tanggal 23 juli adalah data kekerasan pada anak atau landmark cases kayak kasus pilu yang mengorbankan arie hanggara. bukannya gue ignorant dan berusaha menutup mata akan realita (because that's how it really is), tapi gue pengen sekaliii aja merayakan hari anak nasional dengan bahagia, tanpa diasosiasikan dengan hal yang bikin gue pilu dan sedih. dari tahun ke tahun kok ya tiap hari anak bawaan gue ngumpat "some people just don't deserve kids" doang

7:24 PM

everything seems kinda blurry right now

so today

le maudré

9:48 PM



hobi baru gue, baking, membuat gue berkeinginan buat ngebisnisis kue-kue buatan gue biar bisa dicicipin orang. gue excited banget! meskipun sejujurnya, ketimbang bikin kuenya, right at this moment gue lebih excited ngebangun brandnya. udah lama banget nggak pegang photoshop... kangen. photoshop & i have always been in a love-hate relationship. gue benci banget pernah jadi budak desain, tapi di saat yang sama gue cinta banget ngoprek-ngoprek elemen gambar, font, dan warna, hingga jadi kesatuan yang menurut gue oke diliat. i could spend hours religiously in front of my laptop, ignoring lunch and dinner, sampe materi virtual itu udah cukup memuaskan (buat gue). anyway, sejujurnya gue nggak tahu apakah dagangan gue ini akan berjalan sebagaimana mestinya atau engga... nggak tau juga apakah bahkan akan start atau ngga... nggak tau juga inti dari post ini apa... mungkin sebenernya gue cuma mau curhat aja kalo gue baru sadar, gue kangen berkutat dengan photoshop! gue selalu suka ngutak-ngatik elemen visual. gambar di atas adalah pilihan-pilihan avatar yang gue buat buat le maudré, merek yang akan gue pakai buat barang dagangan gue. gue sebenernya tau gambar yang mau gue pake, tapi gue seneng aja ngecollage-innya karena ternyata visually pleasing (buat gue). anyway, apa arti la maudre? it might sounds french (for the "le"), but it's actually not. maudré doesn't have any meaning. i just love its name. it reminds me of madré, bahasa Spanyol-nya ibu, tapi gue lebih suka pronunciation "mow-dre". pronunciation maudré juga sama dengan "modre" dalam bahasa Slovenia yang berarti "biru". do you think i should really start the business? ada nggak ya yang mau nyicipin kue buatan gue? 

photos

cooking cooking!

8:22 PM

selama quarantine ini, gue perhatiin orang-orang jadi punya hobi baru. kalo lo selama di rumah aja ngapain sih? yang paling sering gue lihat dari instagram sih, orang-orang mendadak hobi olahraga (paling sering sih gue liat ngikutin challengenya chloe ting), berkebun, sama masak. hmmm.. di antara tiga itu, gue latah cobain semuanya :)))) hoho

berkebun? check! gue udah panen stroberi, sawi, kangkung, trus sekarang lagi nunggu timun ama tomat berbuah. anyway, gue ngerasa sawi dan kangkung dari kebun gue (yang sebenernya balkon sih bukan kebun), jauh lebih fresh dan enak ketimbang beli di mang sayur. sumpah, rasanya beda banget! tiap gue bantu mama nyiram tanaman dan merhatiin progres tiap-tiap tanaman, rasanya sayaaang banget. selalu mikir kayak, "wow, kamu tuh beneran makhluk hidup ya." hehe 

olahraga? check! gue aja masih menganggap gue tertarik olahraga tuh sebuah mukjizat. i've never been sporty, apalagi sejak masuk SMA yang santai banget lari aja bisa cule, sembunyi di semak-semak deket UKS sampe kabur ke kantin. gue cukup tertampar sih waktu dokter gue bilang nyeri dada yang lumayan sering gue alamin tiba-tiba (dan bikin parno) tuh major reasonnya karena gue jarang olahraga. as soon as the exam was over, gue langsung beli yoga mat dan mulai workout program. hmmm mari kita lihat sampe kapan gue akan konsisten olahraga :-) (((padahal sore ini aja skip))))

masak? check! orang-orang sekitar gue pasti tau banget kalo gue sukaaa banget makan (enak) dan demen banget ngomentarin makanan. akhirnya, selama quarantine (dan gabut post-UAS) ini, gue juga memulai karir baru di dunia kuliner selain jadi tukang kritik, yakni mulai bereksperimen juga dalam masak-memasak. ternyata beli bahan makanan sendiri, masak sarapan-makan siang-makan malem sendiri, sampe coba bikin kue sendiri tuh asik dan memberi efek terapeutik bagi gue. 

karena gue songong dan overproud dan ini platform gue, gue mau share mahakarya-mahakarya tangan emas gue dalam dunia kuliner selama quarantine.


Earl Grey Yogurt Cake


gue gak boong.... rasanya enak banget....
by the way foto yang di bawah ini first attempt dan agak fail in terms of taste dan texture! karena gak puas, gue akhirnya coba bikin lagi dengan takaran yang udah gue sesuain dengan rasa & tekstur yang gue inginkan.


Cae Sal
my cae sal looks so colorful that it reminds me of summer.
ya sebenenrya kaga ada unsur masaknya sih di sini. cuma masuk-masukin sayur & dressing doang, voila
(minus crouton)


Lavender Pudding with Edible Flower
sori ga nemu foto unfilterednya




Cauliflower Rice Bokkeumbap


Tacooooooo




Another Earl Grey Cake, yang ini berhasil dan enaaaa banget


sandwich-segala-dimasukin
p.s: canned food sucks




Another salad
not sure about what this salad really is. gue pakenya balsamic vinaigrette dressing kesukaan gue, tapi kakak gue maksain masukin truffle mayo & french dressing. au ah. yang penting enak.


ngapain lagi ya enaknya?

9:32 PM

if you could have it the other way, where would you be and what would you do at the moment?

family

missing my grandpa o'clock

8:06 PM

i'm writing this as the sound of takbir perpetually reverberates from the mosque nearby, reminding all of us that Eid al-Fitr is coming as soon as tomorrow. while most people love Eid al-Fitr for its festive, foods, and fortune, hari raya lebaran justru selalu bikin gue diam-diam sedih me-recall hari dimana mbah kakung meninggal dunia. ada waktu dimana gue selalu take some space to grief for the loss of my grandfather di hari lebaran. it's always hard for me to find an adequate way to talk about my grandfather --cause he's so special and he deserves all the best that i could give; yet it's so hard to put it into words while trying to ignore the lingering pain in my chest. he was my first love... losing him was the worst kind of heartbreak i've got to move on from. the grief still hits me hard, even after all these years. penyesalan hidup terbesar gue mungkin adalah gue nggak sempat ngucapin selamat tinggal ke mbah kakung. di hari kita mudik ke jawa dan ninggalin mbah di rumah (bareng suster dan keluarga di pihak mama), gue waktu itu udah terlanjur masuk ke mobil dan lupa salam sama mbah. waktu itu gue mikir, "aduh udahlah tanggung, ga usah salam nggak apa, beberapa hari lagi juga ketemu lagi". turns out he was the one who left us that night. i was so broken i couldn't even cry until i got back home from the funeral, alone, in my room. my chest hurt so bad it almost felt like it was gonna explode. not only i lost a grandfather, i also lost a bestfriend. 


but your death; they won't happen to you. 
it happens to your family and your friends.
those verses couldn't be more accurate

anyway, the way i see how my father looks at my nephew now --his first grandchild-- reminds me of how mbah kakung used to look at me, nurture me and protect me. gue kadang mikir; does it really work that way? kakek-nenek emang di mana-mana lebih sayang sama cucu dibanding sama anak sendiri? my father rarely says that he loves me, hug me or being so affectionate with me (those are not his love language), hence i'm a bit surprised seeing how my father and Z could be so lovey-dovey all the time and how tight the bond between two of them right now. keponakan gue juga udah clingy banget sama kakeknya. i'm not sure why i'm so jealous whenever i see both of them; is it because i've never had that kind of affection from my father or is it because it reminds me of the similar relationship i used to have with mbah kakung?

i've been missing you so much

p.s: i'm sorry i've been so mellow these days

thoughts

may 20

1:18 PM

it took a big leap of faith to let yourself love and be loved. the way i figured it out, love isn't always easy to feel. it's frightening and it's scary. sometimes it turns me to be insecure. it makes me lose my authority over my own emotions. it's a breeding ground for my anxious thoughts and feelings; in a way that it consumes me. it forms a constant battle on my own mind. i wanna run away. i want to keep close. you know he doesn't see you that way. but what if he does? you can't afford to be with someone. maybe i can. you're wasting your time. maybe it takes time. you're being irrational. nothing about love is rational. i don't want to. i don't want to either, but..

music

je ne sais quoi

11:16 PM


there's a certain je ne sais quoi in every verse of this song

the song itself is just effortlessly beautiful, soulful & makes me emotional in a way that it hurts me.. but also makes me feel warm

i have a few interpretations of the lyrics, yet i still have no clue how should i really feel about it... or perhaps some things are just not meant to be figured out


🍓 🍓 🍓

7:08 PM


🌱 quarantine made me gardening 🌱


🍓🍓my first strawberry 🍓🍓



so today

little-ature turns 10

2:36 PM

this year, this blog celebrate its 10th anniversary. agak surprised gimana akhirnya gue end up konsisten nulis di platform ini (meskipun kadang gue maki maki karena ga develop) setelah berkali-kali ganti sejak pertama kali gue blogging di kelas empat sd. mulai dari blogger, wordpress, tumblr, sampe blogger lagi karena sakit hati ngejar tumblarity (there used to be this thing called 'tumblarity' which determine how popular you are on tumblr based on ur post frequency, likes, and share, which then resulted in a vicious popularity contest). turns out i wasn't happy with the existence of tumblarity, karena jatohnya gue jadi 'maksain' nulis, bukan nulis apa yang gue suka dan apa yang ingin gue tulis. then i decided to close my account. now the tumblarity has gone, gue udah terlanjur sayang ninggalin 'jejak' gue di sini. technically, blog ini udah jadi saksi mata gue growing up dari gue umur 11 sampe gue umur 21, dari gue masih pre-teen sampe gue udah legally considered as adult, dari gue bau matahari pulang sekolah naik angkot, upgrade ke bau rexona teen, sampe bau fifth avenue elizabeth arden, dari doyan sepedaan dan momotoran keliling kompleks sampe akhirnya gue bisa nyetir sendiri sampe jawa. dari gue experiencing first love di smp, first major heartbreak di sma sampe gue skeptis sama konsep exclusive relationship yang deliberating di kuliah. some things changed. some things didn't.

nggak jarang gue malu sama diri gue sendiri kalo liat archived post dari 2010. some things i wrote are cringe worthy, yes. tapi gimanapun betapa alaynya gue jaman dulu, those old posts make me feel like some part of me have never changed. dari tulisan-tulisan dulu, gue melihat di diri gue sekarang, masih ada bagian dari diri gue 10 tahun lalu. tulisan-tulisan gue dulu juga mengingatkan gue ke momen-momen kecil yang baru sadar pernah gue alamin waktu gue baca lagi. bisa jadi apa yang gue tulis sekarang tentang perasaan-perasaan gue, pengalaman yang gue laluin, hidup gue, jadi bahan refleksi diri gue di umur 30 (dan seterusnya), jadi bahan ketawaan gue sambil mikir "gila alay banget gue 10/20/30 taon lalu!" (if this such thing still exist). jadi bahan cerita gue ke anak-anak gue juga mungkin? my life are filled with precious moments, experiences and stories which i hope i could eternalized through my writings here. tulisan-tulisan gue di tahun 2014 mungkin alay mampus karena major heartbreak yang gue alamin. hence, my feelings were valid. dan lagi, gue nulis juga untuk diri gue sendiri. (((kalo ada yang baca terus cringe, maklumin aja ya)))

dear, blog. i said my old posts remind me of how a part of me has never changed. but the way i figured it out, the change itself actually isn't really something that we need to be afraid of. it's not a bad thing either. change is an undeniable process of life. my dreams have changed a lot compared to what i've dreamed of 10 years--even 2 years ago (and it might change too in a few years, months or even minutes, and that's ok!). my perspective about the concept of friendship has changed. the way i see things in life have also changed. i begin to see myself as a working progress, thus i accept myself for changing. lagian hidup emang ga bisa berjalan dengan konstan, nggak sih?

speaking of change, i just made a huge change to you too, blog. to celebrate your 10th birthday, not only i created you a brand new (and simpler) banner, i also bought you a dotcom! woohoo! after all these years.. thank you for growing up with me, for commemorating all the changes and the transitions in my life, and many more things that will come along the way.

random

current feelings

12:45 AM

startin' to miss seeing my friends, college, waking up early to go to library (gosh i miss perpusat sooo much), makanan kutek yang ga ada gizinya, kangen latihan prapid.... (iya praper engga). kangen nugas di sbux kelapa dua setelah makan soto di sebelahnya. kangen naik krl! kangen ke gondangdia cuma buat makan gudeg --satu-satunya gudeg jogja yang acceptable dan wuenak (iya harus gitu ngomongnya, karena SEENAK ITU) di lidah gue. kangen es kopi susu keluarga. kangen ayam goreng mas agus... kangen ngejelajah kantin fakultas lain. kangen keliling-keliling ui. kangen kehidupan normal.


di satu sisi, kangen banget sama rutinitas sehari-hari gue sebelum situasi quarantine ini. pengen banget cepet berakhir. as this situation brings so much uncertainty in my life & my future, especially during this last year of college.. tapi di satu sisi lain, gue ngerasa 'nggak siap' juga ngehadapin gimana caranya adaptasi dan bounce back ke kehidupan nyata.

:-(

stories

college

3:57 PM

i once had a memorable conversation with a gojek driver on my firsts day of college. knowing i was a freshman, he asked me a such a heavy question to answer (at least for me).

"why do you think people have to go to college?"

"...to learn?"

i know... judge me shallow.

"really? learn about what?"

"umm.. their majors."

"i don't think we really have to go to college to learn. especially in this era where we could just google everything."

"right. but in some cases, some things are just couldn't be googled. google doesn't have a real life experience in their jobs. google can't answer my follow up questions about my lecturer's personal thought about some issues."

"anything else? reasons why people have to go to college?"

"i'm not naive, i'm also here pursuing my degree, cause most jobs require us to have one."

"right. anyway, do you wanna know what i've taught my children why do they should go to college?"

though i wasn't exactly interested, i said yes.

"i said to them, 'most important thing college will teach you is to think systematically and structurally. also, you'll learn that answering correctly isn't as important as asking the right question and answering the exact question. it'll also shape your personality and intelligence'."

i didn't realize until now that what he said was right. seeing how things are going right now, i could see clearly how not everyone is capable both to ask the right question and answer to the exact question. sometimes my lecturers got pissed off when the students answer in an over-analytical way when the question was just as simple as a "yes or no" or "is it or is it not".

the thing that the gojek driver has (indirectly) taught me was also something i hold onto every time i got lost to find the answer of "why am i fucking here" or something like that. it doesn't matter if the major fits you or not, college will always have something to make you realize things (this is me trying to see the bigger picture--and a way to not regretting law school). there's always something to learn from anything after all. but to me personally, at this point, in my 6th semester, i'm glad that college really has shaped my way of thinking, develop my emotional quotient (esp when it comes to studying in group and organizational tasks), and enhanced my self-awareness.

college has never been easy. but i found myself in there, along the way.

stories

moments worth writing: the sunflowers

12:07 AM

i don't wanna forget some particular moments worth writing in my life; moments I would recite to my kids someday in the future.

one afternoon two years ago, mama asked me what my favorite flower was. i told her i fond of sunflowers. little did i know she was becoming interested in gardening. a few weeks later when i got home, a couple sunflowers embedded on the pots at my balcony. she said alone she had been planted, watered and weeded 'em every day. she grew it for me.

family

current situation

11:13 PM

gue sedih menerima fakta kalo gue sekarang sangatlah illiterate. ga kayak dulu, sekarang gue ngerasa sulit banget untuk nulis sesuatu, even the smallest random things. kalo liat archived gue dari jaman 2010, hal gak penting sekalipun kayaknya bisa lancar aja gue tulis. kemampuan baca gue jauh berdegradasi. books used to be the things i easily consumed back then, novel bisa beberapa jam kelar gue baca. now... i haven't even finished my Aristotle & Dante Discover the Secret of the Universe i bought last year. so... pardon my writing, will you?

anyway, it's been 2 weeks since i've had my classes from home due to this pandemic virus.



this covid-19 pandemic situation sucks, indeed. perkuliahan jarak jauh bikin situasi kadang jauh lebih capek dibanding kelas biasanya. tugas gue jadi lebih banyak, ujian lebih kecot dan traumatis, kelas online yang ga kondusif (beberapa mata kuliah gue bahkan semacam abandoned oleh dosen), bikin mata gue pusing juga most of time of the day mantengin laptop. ah, not to mention prapid & prapid just got cancelled. sedih banget gaada memori mooting di semester 6. meskipun dulu (waktu kuliah tatap muka) capek tiap hari pulang malem gara-gara latihan prapid praper, jujur gue enjoy banget jalaninnya. nggak cuma dari segi akademis, gue juga dibikin parno tiap hari karena situasi ini. selalu ngerasa kotor lah, pusing dikit parno, batuk dikit degdegan.

things have changed a lot.

but it wasn't all bad though, if we try to look the other way.

situasi class from home bikin gue ga harus catokan tiap hari. nor wearing any make ups. nor even wearing a bra. i no longer spend too much time deciding what should i wear to class that day; karena toh ga ada yang liat juga lewat zoom. i could wear my buluk t-shirt and boxer every single day. makan masakan mama tiap hari; bukannya warteg deket kosan gue yang menunya itu-itu aja (dan gue yang milihnya itu-itu aja). get to spend time with my baby nephew. gue juga jadi punya aktivitas baru. gardening has become my morning routine for this past couple of weeks. hmmm technically, gue cuma bantuin (baca: disuruh) metikin / panen aja sih hehe. did i ever mention that my mom loves gardening? mama telaten banget soal ngurus kebunnya. it's not exactly a garden though, karena letaknya justru di balcony. so far, gue udah panen sawi, bayam, sama kangkung. kalo gak karena gue tiap hari di rumah dan disuruh ngurus kebun, kayaknya gue ga bakal tau bentuk ketiga jenis sayur itu sebelum dimasak gimana muahahaha.

things have changed too in my family.

to be frank, i couldn't recall when was the last time my family gathers on weekdays. ada di rumah bareng mba ajeng, mba yaya, dan papa sehari-hari di rumah somehow feels a lil bit strange... yet it feels so warm. like those good ol days; childhood days. udah lama ga ngalamin berantem rebutan ayam mana yang lebih besar atau paling banyak kulitnya, nyusun plan snack apa yang kita buka hari ini-besok-lusa, rebutan siapa yang tidur sama boba, saling nungguin biar bisa makan siang bareng, kumpul deketan dan ngobrol di ruang tv meskipun kadang masing-masing juga concern sama buku/gadget/aktivitas masing-masing. well, i must say being able to be home with my family is the most luxurious thing i obtained from this covid-19 situation.

-

6:17 PM

falling in love in 20s is no longer as fun as it was in my teenage years. those butterflies used to be so... beautifully exhilarating, dramatic, and compelling in a powerfully irresistible way. now it gives me anxiety, fear, and perplexity. nonetheless, the sparks still exist. safe to say that it's been a long time since the last time I've gotten the thought of somebody stuck in my head. part of me is consistently saying "do. not. fall" but there's always something keeping me drawn. and i don't like it. or maybe i do. well i don't want it. or maybe, i do.

2019

11:39 AM

It's 2020 already. Happy new year! :)

2019 was quite a hell of a year. No pain, no gain, they said. That quote kinda applied on me. It makes me relieved that i gained something this year, not only felt the pain. Lol. Meskipun sebenernya selalu ada sesuatu yang bisa diambil dari setiap hal; mau itu baik atau buruk. It's all about perspective anyway.

Tahun 2019 bisa dibilang merupakan tahun yang berarti banget bagi perkembangan diri gue. A lot of things happened this year. Here are some worth being mentioned.

The birth of Z
Gue akhirnya punya keponakan! :') gosh. I knew, i knew that i would love him! Even before he was born. Gue masih ingat betul momen di rumah sakit di mana Zafran, keponakan gue, dibawa pakai kereta bayi sama suster. My heart dropped seeing his sleeping angelic face that time. Clearly, I fell deeply in love with him at first sight. Not only I see him as my nephew, I see and I love him as if he's my own son. Dengan sekejap dia jadi pusat tata surya keluarga gue. His existence lights up the house. He simply changed not only my sister's life, but mine too. Hadirnya keponakan pertama juga bikin gue turut belajar tentang parenthood and its struggles. 

Pers
Awal tahun 2019 kemarin, gue dengan Aji dan Dida bareng-bareng maju jadi BPH Pers Perfilma. Safe to say that it was one of my best decision of the year. Gue nggak pernah ada niatan maju sampe akhirnya Aji & Dida approach gue. Tahu mereka bakal jadi partner BPH gue, gue nggak mikir begitu panjang. Karena pers juga, gue ketemu sama 13 staf-staf gue yang gue sayaaaang banget. Fai, Nivel, Raka, Cilla, Mey, Vito, Randhika, Muthy, Ica, Afa, Clara, Tiku, dan Sheila. Masing-masing punya karakter yang unik. Gue seneng banget karena pers, gue punya circle dan temen-temen baru yang bikin gue nyaman banget. Never a dull moment with them. Bahkan rapat pun rasanya selalu menyenangkan. Nggak kerasa udah setahun kepengurusan aja. Banyak banget hal yang bisa gue pelajarin dari pers tahun ini. Mulai dari dealing with people with different characteristic, controlling things, bikin suasana kerja yang nyaman bagi staf-staf, belajar gimana jadi temen dan partner kerja yan seharusnya, bagi waktu, dan hal lainnya. I'm glad that we all met and grew together as individuals. Bisa dibilang, mereka adalah salah satu highlight kehidupan kuliah gue.

Taking a rest
Hal terpenting yang gue pelajarin tahun ini adalah istirahat. Sebelumnya, gue nggak ngeh seberapa pentingnya 'istirahat' dari kesibukan sampai pertengahan tahun 2019. Semester 4 somehow kerasa berat banget bagi gue. I went through several emotional breakdowns. I felt tired, I felt exhausted. Beban akademik dan peer pressure tuh nyata adanya di semester 4, ditambah lagi gue sempet ngerasa ngadepin semua itu sendirian, ngerasa lingkungan sekitar gue nggak supportive. I thank God for being 'rescued' by some people. Beberapa orang ini juga yang menyadarkan gue kalo genuine friendship itu eksis dan berhasil membuat gue yakin kalo gue nggak sendirian ngejalanin hidup ini. Having a genuine friendship is indeed is such a beautiful and rare thing. Kembali ke topik. Di saat temen-temen gue memutuskan buat magang di waktu 3 bulan kemarin, gue memutuskan buat taking a rest dan bener-bener pakai waktu tersebut dengan having fun. Do things i haven't tried before. Sangat susah buat nggak ngerasa fear of missing out; seeing my friends are experiencing something new. In this competitive surrounding and the fast-paced life of the capital city, sometimes taking a rest feels like a sin. Apalagi kalo liat kanan-kiri orang-orang pada kerja kerja kerja dan achieving things. Then I listened to what I actually really need. Gue yakin banget bahwa gue bener-bener butuh istirahat dan recharge diri gue. Please mind that there's a difference between taking a rest dan gabut ya. I've been spending most of my days with something related to college and organization throughout my 2 years of college, bahkan saat liburan semester. So what i did during 3 months of semester break? Gue road trip ke Jawa. I went YOLO and colored my hair into pink, blue and ash. Gue gardening bareng mama. Gue ketemu Sulthan dan menghabiskan waktu jalan-jalan, exploring museums, kulineran. Gue belajar main waveboard! Gue baca banyak buku baru. Gue sempet ngelukis lagi (tapi sayangnya ga selesai karena oil-nya abis dan males beli keluar wakaka).  I recharged myself and somehow I felt more alive. I'm glad I did. masuk semester 5, gue bener-bener ngerasa recharged dan semangat ngejalanin perkuliahan, lebih fokus, lebih antusias, dan performance gue jauh lebih baik. Don't get me wrong, this semester was academically hard too, tapi gue ngerasa 'siap' dan mampu jalanin tanpa banyak mengeluh lol. I was in a much better mental and emotional state. Sooo i guess one of the things that 2019 taught me was: you need to listen to yourself and your body, know what you need, dan value konsep 'istirahat' itu sendiri.

Getting out of my comfort zone
Daftar jadi delegasi sebuah event dimana gue ga kenal siapa-siapa dan gaada temen yang sama-sama ikutan nggak bisa dipungkiri bikin gue degdegan. Tapi yaudahlah. Saat-saat kayak gini mengingatkan gue betapa pentingnya buat mandiri dan berani ngelakuin hal baru sendirian. Indeed, we need to get comfortable with going to places and doing things by ourselves so we don't miss out on life waiting on people. Kalo nggak, ya ga bakal bisa maju. Meeting new bunch of people have always been challenging (i'm an INTJ, remember?). Anxious buat instantly mingle with other people who sometimes already knew each other. Tapiii seneng banget karena i went through those things quite smoothly. Gue justru ketemu temen-temen baru dari univ lain, we kept in touch, cobain simulasi mediasi dan nyusun strategi negosiasi, belajar banyak tentang tema yang dibawain. Such a whole new thing. Di akhir tahun, gue soide lagi nyobain bikin legal memorandum buat call for paper. Lagi-lagi sendiri, di saat kebanyakan partisipan lainnya teamed up. Turned out i got the second best. Pas banget di saat gue ngerasa butuh validasi if i'm ever worthy to study in law school. Ini bukan apa-apa sih, bukan sesuatu yang besar juga, tapi cukup berarti mendorong kepercayaan diri gue & yakinin gue kalo gue bisa kok achieve things dengan kerja keras.

It's not about what i've achieved or what i've done in 2019. It was the progress that amazed me. Gue ngerasa gue jauh lebih mengenal dan lebih value diri gue sendiri, including the vulnerable part of myself di tahun ini. Gue juga bersyukur dipertemukan orang-orang yang kayaknya-tanpa-mereka-gue-bisa-gila dan membuat gue sangat value the concept of friendship. Gue ngerasa gue udah bisa mengakhiri 2019 dengan damai dengan mental and emotional state yang stabil. I'm glad for everything that happened in 2019. Indeed it was quite a hell of a year, but I'm thankful that it made me progress a lot.

To 2020 and many more great, unexpected, valuable things to happen; I can't see what this year would taught and made me become. CHEERS!