i'm writing this as the sound of takbir perpetually reverberates from the mosque nearby, reminding all of us that Eid al-Fitr is coming as soon as tomorrow. while most people love Eid al-Fitr for its festive, foods, and fortune, hari raya lebaran justru selalu bikin gue diam-diam sedih me-recall hari dimana mbah kakung meninggal dunia. ada waktu dimana gue selalu take some space to grief for the loss of my grandfather di hari lebaran. it's always hard for me to find an adequate way to talk about my grandfather --cause he's so special and he deserves all the best that i could give; yet it's so hard to put it into words while trying to ignore the lingering pain in my chest. he was my first love... losing him was the worst kind of heartbreak i've got to move on from. the grief still hits me hard, even after all these years. penyesalan hidup terbesar gue mungkin adalah gue nggak sempat ngucapin selamat tinggal ke mbah kakung. di hari kita mudik ke jawa dan ninggalin mbah di rumah (bareng suster dan keluarga di pihak mama), gue waktu itu udah terlanjur masuk ke mobil dan lupa salam sama mbah. waktu itu gue mikir, "aduh udahlah tanggung, ga usah salam nggak apa, beberapa hari lagi juga ketemu lagi". turns out he was the one who left us that night. i was so broken i couldn't even cry until i got back home from the funeral, alone, in my room. my chest hurt so bad it almost felt like it was gonna explode. not only i lost a grandfather, i also lost a bestfriend. 

but your death; they won't happen to you. 

it happens to your family and your friends.

those verses couldn't be more accurate

anyway, the way i see how my father looks at my nephew now --his first grandchild-- reminds me of how mbah kakung used to look at me, nurture me and protect me. gue kadang mikir; does it really work that way? kakek-nenek emang di mana-mana lebih sayang sama cucu dibanding sama anak sendiri? my father rarely says that he loves me, hug me or being so affectionate with me (those are not his love language), hence i'm a bit surprised seeing how my father and Z could be so lovey-dovey all the time and how tight the bond between two of them right now. keponakan gue juga udah clingy banget sama kakeknya. i'm not sure why i'm so jealous whenever i see both of them; is it because i've never had that kind of affection from my father or is it because it reminds me of the similar relationship i used to have with mbah kakung?

i've been missing you so much

p.s: i'm sorry i've been so mellow these days