i'm writing this as the sound of takbir perpetually reverberates from the mosque nearby, reminding all of us that Eid al-Fitr is coming as soon as tomorrow. while most people love Eid al-Fitr for its festive, foods, and fortune, hari raya lebaran justru selalu bikin gue diam-diam sedih me-recall hari dimana mbah kakung meninggal dunia. ada waktu dimana gue selalu take some space to grief for the loss of my grandfather di hari lebaran. it's always hard for me to find an adequate way to talk about my grandfather --cause he's so special and he deserves all the best that i could give; yet it's so hard to put it into words while trying to ignore the lingering pain in my chest. he was my first love... losing him was the worst kind of heartbreak i've got to move on from. the grief still hits me hard, even after all these years. penyesalan hidup terbesar gue mungkin adalah gue nggak sempat ngucapin selamat tinggal ke mbah kakung. di hari kita mudik ke jawa dan ninggalin mbah di rumah (bareng suster dan keluarga di pihak mama), gue waktu itu udah terlanjur masuk ke mobil dan lupa salam sama mbah. waktu itu gue mikir, "aduh udahlah tanggung, ga usah salam nggak apa, beberapa hari lagi juga ketemu lagi". turns out he was the one who left us that night. i was so broken i couldn't even cry until i got back home from the funeral, alone, in my room. my chest hurt so bad it almost felt like it was gonna explode. not only i lost a grandfather, i also lost a bestfriend. 

but your death; they won't happen to you. 

it happens to your family and your friends.

those verses couldn't be more accurate

anyway, the way i see how my father looks at my nephew now --his first grandchild-- reminds me of how mbah kakung used to look at me, nurture me and protect me. gue kadang mikir; does it really work that way? kakek-nenek emang di mana-mana lebih sayang sama cucu dibanding sama anak sendiri? my father rarely says that he loves me, hug me or being so affectionate with me (those are not his love language), hence i'm a bit surprised seeing how my father and Z could be so lovey-dovey all the time and how tight the bond between two of them right now. keponakan gue juga udah clingy banget sama kakeknya. i'm not sure why i'm so jealous whenever i see both of them; is it because i've never had that kind of affection from my father or is it because it reminds me of the similar relationship i used to have with mbah kakung?

i've been missing you so much

p.s: i'm sorry i've been so mellow these days

this year, this blog celebrate its 10th anniversary. agak surprised gimana akhirnya gue end up konsisten nulis di platform ini (meskipun kadang gue maki maki karena ga develop) setelah berkali-kali ganti sejak pertama kali gue blogging di kelas empat sd. mulai dari blogger, wordpress, tumblr, sampe blogger lagi karena sakit hati ngejar tumblarity (there used to be this thing called 'tumblarity' which determine how popular you are on tumblr based on ur post frequency, likes, and share, which then resulted in a vicious popularity contest). turns out i wasn't happy with the existence of tumblarity, karena jatohnya gue jadi 'maksain' nulis, bukan nulis apa yang gue suka dan apa yang ingin gue tulis. then i decided to close my account. now the tumblarity has gone, gue udah terlanjur sayang ninggalin 'jejak' gue di sini. technically, blog ini udah jadi saksi mata gue growing up dari gue umur 11 sampe gue umur 21, dari gue masih pre-teen sampe gue udah legally considered as adult, dari gue bau matahari pulang sekolah naik angkot, upgrade ke bau rexona teen, sampe bau fifth avenue elizabeth arden, dari doyan sepedaan dan momotoran keliling kompleks sampe akhirnya gue bisa nyetir sendiri sampe jawa. dari gue experiencing first love di smp, first major heartbreak di sma sampe gue skeptis sama konsep exclusive relationship yang deliberating di kuliah. some things changed. some things didn't.

nggak jarang gue malu sama diri gue sendiri kalo liat archived post dari 2010. some things i wrote are cringe worthy, yes. tapi gimanapun betapa alaynya gue jaman dulu, those old posts make me feel like some part of me have never changed. dari tulisan-tulisan dulu, gue melihat di diri gue sekarang, masih ada bagian dari diri gue 10 tahun lalu. tulisan-tulisan gue dulu juga mengingatkan gue ke momen-momen kecil yang baru sadar pernah gue alamin waktu gue baca lagi. bisa jadi apa yang gue tulis sekarang tentang perasaan-perasaan gue, pengalaman yang gue laluin, hidup gue, jadi bahan refleksi diri gue di umur 30 (dan seterusnya), jadi bahan ketawaan gue sambil mikir "gila alay banget gue 10/20/30 taon lalu!" (if this such thing still exist). jadi bahan cerita gue ke anak-anak gue juga mungkin? my life are filled with precious moments, experiences and stories which i hope i could eternalized through my writings here. tulisan-tulisan gue di tahun 2014 mungkin alay mampus karena major heartbreak yang gue alamin. hence, my feelings were valid. dan lagi, gue nulis juga untuk diri gue sendiri. (((kalo ada yang baca terus cringe, maklumin aja ya)))

dear, blog. i said my old posts remind me of how a part of me has never changed. but the way i figured it out, the change itself actually isn't really something that we need to be afraid of. it's not a bad thing either. change is an undeniable process of life. my dreams have changed a lot compared to what i've dreamed of 10 years--even 2 years ago (and it might change too in a few years, months or even minutes, and that's ok!). my perspective about the concept of friendship has changed. the way i see things in life have also changed. i begin to see myself as a working progress, thus i accept myself for changing. lagian hidup emang ga bisa berjalan dengan konstan, nggak sih?

speaking of change, i just made a huge change to you too, blog. to celebrate your 10th birthday, not only i created you a brand new (and simpler) banner, i also bought you a dotcom! woohoo! after all these years.. thank you for growing up with me, for commemorating all the changes and the transitions in my life, and many more things that will come along the way.