Sebelum gue ceritain tentang si universitas-jaket-kuning, kayaknya akan lebih afdol kalo gue mundur timelinenya ke masa sebelum prom. I see there's a gap here in my blog post ever since jaman jaman stres kelas 12. Bahkan gue gak sempat cerita tentang prom sama sekali. So here it is, a post (or two) to sum up what had been happened in the past six months.

///BEFORE PROM: SNMPTN & PPKB///

Kalo ga salah, pendaftaran SNMPTN dan PPKB (jalur undangan khusus UI) sebenernya udah dimulai sejak awal semester dua. In case someone's wondering, jadi tahap pertama itu siswa satu sekolah dirank nilainya dari semester satu sampai lima. Karena ga semua siswa bisa mendaftar buat SNMPTN. Di sekolah gue cuma 50% siswa yang bisa daftar SNMPTN (tergantung akreditasi) dan PPKB (nah kalo ini seleksinya 50% bagi peminat PPKB). Alhamdulillah posisi gue bisa dibilang aman waktu itu di ranking IPS angkatan gue (FINALLY AFTER YEARS OF HELLA HARD WORKS, including countless of moment dimana gue menjadi orang yang ngerjain tugas kelompok sendiri bahkan sampe bolos dan nangis nangis ok gue lemah bgt). Btw setelah membaca postan ini, mungkin lo akan menganggap pilihan-pilihan jurusan gue super labil wkwkw but yes gue selabil itu. Di SNMPTN, pilihan 1-2-3 gue adalah SBM ITB - Akuntansi Unpad - Hukum Unpad. Sementara di PPKB, gue milih Psikologi. Honestly? Impian gue waktu itu tuh akun UI, tapi gue ga seberani itu untuk milih akun UI baik lewat SNMPTN dan PPKB. Dari sekolah gue hampir gaada yang pernah tembus ke UI jurusan apapun lewat snm (meanwhile peminat akun tuh paling banyak), dan kuota jurusan akun di PPKB cuma 7 (t u j u h  guys, se-Indonesia) kursi, sementara psiko waktu itu 40 kursi dan hukum 75 kursi. Intinya, kesempatan gue masuk UI lewat snmptn tuh kecil banget, hampir gaada malah. Yes i was playing safe, karena... gini deh, mau nilai gue bagus pun nggak ada yang bisa menjamin gue keterima, ya kan? Some people blame me for this, but they don't exactly know what it feels like to be on my shoe. The game i played brought me into my first choice. Gue lagi di les di inten waktu buka pengumuman SNMPTN. Jadiii kalo ga salah pengumuman tuh keluar jam 2. Nah waktu itu tuh kita masih kelas, sementara pas jam kelas hp kita semua dikumpulin dan kelasnya beres jam 3-an. Itu sepanjang les udah paling deg-degan paraaah sampe ga fokus denger materi. Gue sebelumnya udah commit bakal buka pengumumannya di rumah aja. Tapi di saat yang sama, Kana ngabarin di line kalo dia lolos di SBM ITB dan nanyain gue lolos atau engga. Lalu komitmen gue runtuh deh hehehe ABISNYA GREGETAN GA SIH??? Akhirnya gue buka juga pengumuman meski berkali-kali fail (situsnya overload). Gue dan temen-temen buka pengumumannya bareng-bareng. Waktu gue buka dan liat ada kotak warna ijo, gue langsung teriak seneng dan dipelukkkk sama Hani Cindy dan lain lain, trus ditelfon sama Pa ID (wali kelas inten) yang nyelametin gue lulus, trus ngabarin keluarga gue kalo gue lulus. I was happy & relief at the same time karena udah 'aman' dapet kuliah di SBM ITB, tapi ga bisa dipungkiri, hati gue masih nyangkut UI, karena itu impian gue dari kecil. Apalagi begitu pengumuman PPKB keluar dan gue ga lolos, gue memutuskan untuk tetap ikut intensif dan ikut simak di bulan depannya.

/// PROM ///

Here's the thing. I used to think that prom was going to be the best moment out of my high school life. Truth is, it was not. It was just a moment. Gue ke prom barang sahabat-sahabat gue di SMA, meskipun di antaranya ada beberapa yang pergi bareng pasangannya. What happened was... i guess we were too busy minding how do we look and how others look, too busy to immortalize moments and upload it on our social media, too busy to take a good pic, and all that. I wasn't even jamming nor mumbling when Teza Sumendra sang. Yaa.. sesimple karena his songs are not my cup of tea. And my legs was fucking hurt because of that black killer high heels. Don't get it wrong though, it was a great night, but compared to the others... gue lebih cherish the moments where my friends and i went to sleepover, surprising each others' birthdays, mabal, ngejajah kantin, dll. Kayak lebih quality time aja, gitu. Habis prom, kita nginep bareng buat terakhir kalinyaaa (at least sampai saat ini, itu yang terakhir). Setelah prom, kita semua sibuk dan fokus sama jalan masing-masing menuju masa depan (DUH APASI bahasa gue).

///AFTER PROM: intensif///

Setelah prom beres, gue melanjutkan perjuangan gue dengan intensif sbmptn-simak/ujian mandiri lainnya. Tiap hari dari senin-sabtu, dari jam 6 pagi sampe malem kita diskusi, masuk kelas, latihan soal, bahas soal, tambahan, dan latihan TPA. Kayak gitu aja terus diulang selama sebulan sampe ujian mandiri. Jenuh? Nope gue justru sangat bersemangat karena di saat yang sama ada orang yang ngebuat gue betah di inten HAHAHAHA sampah emang tp itu perks kan? Kadang gue sama temen-temen yang lain juga ke inten cabang lain buat ngejar guru yang enak, ato bahas soal sambil makan di luar. Bedanya adalah ketika temen-temen gue lagi tes SBMPTN, gue lagi daftar ulang nyerahin berkas ke calon tempat kuliah gue saat itu. Besok-besoknya yaa intensif lagi sampe SIMAK (di sini udah mulai kepisah pisah sih sama temen-temen, karena ada yang sibuk sama persiapan utul UGM, IPB, swasta, kedinasan, dll). Tapi pernah bolos sehari deng karena ikut gathering sbm! Hehe. Gue terus belajar (mostly dengerin rekaman sejarah Bu HN lol) dan latihan soal SIMAK. Nah terus... tiba hari ujian SIMAK. Gue kebagian ujian di SMAN 7 Bandung. Gue dateng sekitar sejam lebih awal dan karena kakak gue gabisa ikut nunggu, gue nunggu sendiri sambil makan di warteg sebelah ha ha BTW WARTEGNYA ENAK & MURE... i know gapenting si tapi yaudahlah. Skip skip skip... ujian lah gue. Waktu ngerjain soal, gue bener-bener setenang itu, ga degdegan sama sekali. Rumor tentang soal simak lebih susah daripada sbmptn itu gue gabisa bandingin guys, karena gue gaikut sbmptn. Tapi soal simak emang susah, soal-soalnya emang sedetil itu. Gue bener-bener ngejawab apa yang gue bisa, tapi sekiranya ada yang 50:50 antara jawab atau engga, i decided to keep answer. I got nothing to lose, afterall. Gue agak lega sejujurnya karena soal yang bisa gue jawab kehitung banyak, lebih banyak dari target gue bahkan.

Kira-kira sebulan setelahnya, pengumuman SBMPTN keluar, disusul dengan pengumuman ujian mandiri lainnya. Gue turut bahagia ngeliat temen-temen gue lolos di pilihan yang mereka pengen. Di saat yang sama, ada temen-temen gue yang masih struggle karena belom dapet kuliah. Gue sendiri masih nunggu pengumuman SIMAK. Pas hari H pengumuman, gue udah bilang ke mama biar ga kecewa kalo gue ga dapet. Begitu gue buka website pengumuman...

"Mah mah ini kayaknya keterima deh..."

"Ah bohong (ini 50:50 antara seneng dan ga percaya"

"Hah masa sih bentar bentar (((baca ulang))) TAPI INI BENERAN KETERIMA nih yaampun ada tulisannya 'Selamat Anda diterima sebagai calon mahasiswa baru Universitas Indonesia'"

"Ah yang bener Sya?"

"IYAAA MAH YAAMPUN COBA LIAT INI DEH."

trus kita berdua pelukan, nangis bahagia. *insert emotional gif here*

Alhamdulillah, perjuangan gue dibayar dengan lolos ke fakultas hukum. Meskipun pilihan dua, still, it seemed so unreal that i got into UI. Karena dari dulu, jujur gue selalu ngerasa UI tuh out of my league. Secara gue bercermin dari kakak-kakak gue dan ngeliat gimana perjuangan susahnya dapet kuliah. Apalagi ini UI.

Kebanyakan orang menyimpulkan tindakan gue selfish, egois, self-oriented, dan ga mikirin adik kelas gue tentang nolak snmptn. Ada yang ngechat gue, confront gue langsung tentang keputusan gue ambil UI, bahkan beberapa orang ada yang seniat itu untuk bikin fake account dan send hate message di instagram. Gue nggak membenarkan apa yang gue lakukan, tapi seandainya lo berada di posisi gue, would you sacrifice your future for someone else's? (dalam konteks ini, ya adik kelas). Especially the future you had been worked so hard for. I bet not. Cold truth is, it's never been an easy process for me, too. Dari awal proses snmptn-ppkb-bahkan sampe gue keterima UI pun, gue terus berdebat sama keluarga gue. Mulai dari nentuin pilihan jurusan SNMPTN, peminatan bisnis yang gue ambil (di sini gue sempet cekcok sama mama), nentuin pilihan dari dua pilihan yang sama bagusnya sampe riset ke sana sini (di sini gue sempet berantem sama kakak gue), finding out what's right for me, dealing with the teachers, and all that. It was never easy. Ga semulus yang beberapa orang pikirin.

Setelah melalui banyak pertimbangan (and countless of debate), gue akhirnya memutuskan melanjutkan studi gue di hukum ui! Never have i feel ungrateful for being a student here. I'm truly lucky, truly blessed. And as this post was posted, i'm already finishing my first term of semester dan lagi menikmati liburan semester di Bandung! Gue sangaaaat mencintai semester pertama gue di UI, bahagia banget, walaupun capek & struggle but i love it to bits.

Alhamdulillahirabbil aalamin.

Nggak jarang kita diingatkan oleh tragedi ataupun orang lain untuk menyadari betapa berharganya diri kita sendiri. Quotes, iklan, masyarakat, lagu, media; selalu bilang pada kita untuk 'love yourself', 'you're worth it', 'you're beautiful', 'know your worth' dan kalimat sejenis lainnya. Tapi, kadang hal itu bikin kita lupa bahwa orang lain itu sama berharganya. Lupa juga bahwa kita ini sama, sederajat, dan setara. Lupa kalau mereka juga manusia yang punya perasaan, punya hati, punya self worth juga. Bukankah nggak sepatutnya kita mendegradasikan orang lain atas daerahnya, fisiknya, fashion sense-nya, gaya make-upnya, logat medoknya, ataupun isi dompetnya? Why do we even bother of ruining other people's self-worth expression, happiness, and choices? Well...i guess, perhaps that's the answer of question 'why won't we happy?'.

1. Erik Satie - Première Gymnopédie

2. Chopin - Nocturne Op. 9: No. 2 in Flat-E Major

3.  Johan Strauss II - an der schönen blauen donau

4. Mark Mancina - August Rhapsody

5. Fritz Kreisler - Liebesleid

6. The Cinematic Orchestra - Arrival of the Birds

7. Astor Piazzolla - Libertango

8. Sergei Rachmaninoff - Piano Concerto No. 2

9. Gabriel Faure - Requiem Pie Jesu 

10. Edward Elgar - Cello Concerto in E Minor Op. 85

11. Olafur Arnalds - Near Light

12. Alexander Desplat - The Imitation Game

13. Hans Zimmer - No Time for Caution

14. Ludwig Goransson - Ocean Photographs

Too foreign for home,

selalu ada satu specific genre yang mendominasi playlist gue tiap tahunnya. it's just my thing and happened unintentionally

2016 was full of chill out, rnb music. fkj, hounded, chelsea cutler, ta-ku, hermitude, mura masa, medasin, etc

2017 is.... indie rock! lately i've been into indie rock and oldies rock so much. i LOVEEEE day wave geez how could an entire album be so perfect. my favorite song is promise, wasting time, and home. selain day wave, gue suka banget sama fazerdaze, plastic plastic, vancouver sleep clinic, dan simcoe. also i've been into the beach boys, the monkees and rolling stones too! listening to em songs made me thinking WHY DIDN'T I LIVE IN 60s IN AMERICAAA. why am i stuck here instead.

ok this is such a random post to write in 6 am. but i miss blogging so much, i wanted to write something, bodo amat apapun itu pokonya pengen nulis aja di blog, that's why this random post exist. however, postan lo yang mana juga yang kaga random cha. hm bye.

it's just a quick write sebelum gue ke library buat ngerjain tugas, paper, dan belajar ilneg (why uts harus 9 bab why???) dan pih dan agama and others which i actually don't give a fudge.

BYE

Tom Rosenthal - For You To Be Here

Dream big, they say

the city is too big for a small dream

dream the unexpected, they say

the city is already bored with common dreams

head up, look up

those skyscrapers were made to remind us,

human beings,

naive human beings,

to do something big,

to climb the invisible path,

to conquer the top

the top you wanted to reach

and once you've conquered it,

the city will be yours.

everything could be yours.

There are a lot to be told. Yet so little words and so little time. Guess i'm currently at the stage of figuring (new) life out again. Adjusting all the differences, all the gaps, and the new situations.

It's so different here, but so far, it's been enjoyable. It's been something wonderful. It's been a great, fresh life to start over.

I wanted to post about my journey to UI (even someone is requesting about it on my cbox, hehe!), but i'm afraid it can't be done in any time sooner. It's going to be a long post, i don't wanna miss any details, and i want it to be perfect.

The point is... i'll make some time to write, again. Despite all these great mess and chaos.

XO!

ask foreigner to define american dream

Jadi ini seminggu terakhir gue bakal di rumah karenaaaa... yup gue mau pindahan dan mulai ngekos di Depok. Brand new, fresh (tidak secara harfiah karena Depok panas beb) start. Jadi, sekitar 1-2 bulan lalu gue bikin bucket list holiday di blog. Bucket list, ya, bucket list. Yang mana masih sebuah wacana, perencanaan, planning, ekspektasi. Dan tau sendiri lah, sekeren apapun listnya pada nyatanya pasti nggak pernah sempurna terlaksana hahaha......

1. Redecorate my room. NOT YET. Buat apa gue redecorate kamar yang nggak akan gue tempatin selama 4 tahun kedepan, ya gak? Ntar aja redecoratenya sekalian nata kosan.

2. Ke Kingkong buat beli banyak film. DONE. Gue superbahagiaaa laptop gue penuh dengan stok film mulai dari Grey's Anatomy lengkap sampe season 13, Riverdale (belom nonton, lame~), Carrie Diaries, Pretty Little Liars, sampe Beauty and the Geek (HAHAHA i know apa banget tp ini seru reality shownya hahaha i love seeing the makeovers). Udah 4 hari ini gue ngebut nonton Pretty Little Liars dan kelar 3 season sekaligus. Sinting woy rame bangettt :( kemana aja sih gueee ga pernah tau ada film secomplicated ini. 13 Reasons Why tidak semisterius & secomplicated ini guys, jauh banget. Oh dan sepertinya gue akan ke King Kong lagi dalam waktu dekat buat beli Game of Thrones (again, lame banget sih gue). Gue juga penasaran banget sama Netflix series baru, To The Bone.

3. Cut my hair into short, right after prom. DONE. Gue potong benar-benar H+1 prom and all i can say is i felt free~~ meskipun rambut keriting ngembang gue makin keliatan kayak singa dan harus gue catok tiap mau keluar, at least ga segerah kalo rambut panjang.

4. Ngelukis lagi. UNDONE. Cat poster gue dibuang bibi dan gue terlalu males buat ngelukis pake cat minyak yang lama keringnya. Maybe i wasn't too passionate about this bucket list at all.

5. Beli bibit bunga matahari trus ditanem di rumah. DONE. Dan gagal hehehehe. Gonna try again next time.

6. Turning off my phone for the whole 3 days. IMPOSSIBLE. #milennials

7. Go to several coffee shops i've never been to, just to blog. DONE. I found this new gem at town called Blue Doors and i loved it. Apalagi mereka punya chai latte (which is something i hardly find in Bandung selain di Starbucks atau Two Hands Full), and theirs was a pretty decent one. Coffee shop atau cafe kesukaan gue buat me-time sambil ngeblog adalah Herb & Spice (dan harus di bagian sebelah rak bukunya), 107 Garage Room, Two Cents (meskipun kadang crowded banget, i love the Blue Bayou here), Kopi Selasar, dan Contrast.

8. Spend some days in my sister's place and explore Jakarta by myself. UNDONE. I don't know what to explore, though. Buat gue nggak ada tempat yang menarik selain mall di Jakarta. So i save my money for Yogyakarta or Malang. Gue berencana untuk solo traveling.

9. Do a video or photo project. DONE/UNDONE. All the photo project i did was: moto-motoin temen gue tiap main... hahahaha :(

10. Making all those list happen. IMPOSSIBLE.

This post is written based on my personal contemplation and experience during high school. Sekaligus jadi pesan buat adik-adik gue (yang technically gue gak punya sih wakakakak) dan anak gue nanti (masih lama sih sebenernya hmm tapi yasudahlah).

Ketika banyak orang bilang masa SMA adalah masa terindah dalam hidup, bagi gue itu nggak berlaku. As you know (i wrote this several times on my previous posts), my high school life sucks. High school life loh ya bukan high school-nya karena SMA 2 is no less than perfect (berjayalah sepanjang masaaa~~). Oke let's start it. Semester satu sampai tiga merupakan masa yang beraaattt banget. Bisa dibilang, selama itulah gue berproses untuk adjust sama kehidupan SMA yang serba baru, serba beda, serba keras. Some of you might think aelah sekeras apa sih hidup anak SMA?. Tapi nyatanya emang berat dan keras banget, cui. Serius. Di masa SMA, gue 'terbentur' sana sini.

High school: it's all about friendship, love, ambition, passion, and values.

Di masa SMA, gue mulai mencari tau siapa orang yang sebenarnya kawan, lawan, atau kawan yang sebenarnya lawan. I found the truest, the meanest, the funniest, the richest, the uniquest, the toughest, the frenemy, the fake ones, and the real ones here. Things they said about how your friends might be not your bestfriends is true. I have several circles of friendship. But the real bestfriends i can count is actually no more than a dozen. Ada temen yang emang enak cuma buat diajak have fun, temen buat ngopi ngopi, temen buat belajar, temen buat berbagi hobi tapi ga enak buat jalan, temen yang enak buat jalan tapi ga bisa diajak sharing, dll. Get over it. You can never expect somebody to be somebody you wanted to be. Gak usah expect mereka buat selalu ada untuk kita. The realest one is always there even you didn't ask them to be. And when you find one, treasure it. The bravest thing i've ever done in high school was cutting some people off who brings negativity into my life. Some brought me misery, brought me into major insecurities, brought me into other things i didn't want to. And yep, that taught me that your friends aren't always going to be your friends.

I went through several loves and heartbreaks. Unrequited love, unhealthy love, and some idk-if-it's-love loves. It feels so good to fall in love. It once felt like everything. But in fact, it is NOT. It's just a thing. It's just a lil piece of thing that brings you both happiness and sadness. Gue ngerasain bagaimana ~cinta~ bisa membuat gue merasa jadi orang yang paling bahagia di dunia, tapi pernah juga membuat gue merasa nggak jauh beda sama sampah.  I wish i could say this to me several years ago; fall. but don't fall too hard. feel. but don't get too overwhelmed. don't expect. it comes when it less expected. don't take it seriously. NEVER take it seriously. most of the chance it's not going to be long lasted. dan yang paling penting: love. smartly. or you'll regret some things.

Oh and you know what? High school is a bunch of hard works. Everything is just too much. Not just the friendship and the love, but mostly it's about ourselves. It's a hard work to find the real us. Gue dan teman-teman di sekitar gue (menurut observasi gue sih kalo ini) merasakan hal yang sama: terombang-ambing. We tried to find balance in everything. We tried to find the gray side of all the blacks and whites. Kerja keras untuk bilang 'nggak' untuk hal yang kita nggak suka tapi orang-orang suka. Untuk bilang 'iya' pada sesuatu yang kita suka, despite of others judgement and hatred, atau bilang 'iya' karena nggak mau missing out aja.. Untuk ikut yang lain minum atau enggak. Untuk belajar di kelas sampe suntuk atau cabut bareng yang lain. To party or not to party. Untuk tau apa yang sebenarnya benar dan apa yang harusnya nggak dilakukan, because sometimes it feels right anyway. Untuk memilih sesuatu berdasarkan apa yang benar-benar kita mau, bukan apa kata opini orang. Untuk sesekali egois demi kepuasan diri. Untuk ngejalanin hidup berdasarkan values yang kita miliki, meski harus bertabrakan dengan values orang lain. And the other 'to or not to's. Intinya, kerja keras untuk berani menjadi diri sendiri. Those things were our real homeworks. Screw math! Berjuang untuk lulus matematika, ekonomi, fisika dll di SMA itu bullshit. Just do the homeworks and the tasks, ujung-ujungnya lo pasti lulus juga. Tapi untuk lulus di 'mencari jati diri'... sampai sekarang gue masih bisa liat beberapa teman-teman gue masih struggling dalam hal ini.

Satu setengah terakhir masa SMA gue, untungnya, berakhir dengan baik. Beyond expected malahan. I was really happy, and i finally got a chance to love high school. I ended it with my great friends, great experiences, great bazaar (yuhuuu Darani Maneka!!!), great prom, dan hasil belajar yang baik juga. I had great, memorable, sweet moments, indeed. And i'm blessed for it; both the ups and downs.

So....

That's it. My version and my stories might be different with yours. Mungkin bagi lo masa SMA adalah waktu terbaik dalam hidup lo dan nggak setuju dengan statement gue di atas. Kalo iya, ya sukur lo nggak se-struggle gue. Again, gue bilang tulisan ini berdasarkan pengalaman dan pemikiran gue aja. Maybe high school are both best and worst part of our lives, no?

For you, soon-to-be-the-high schoolers... good luck! Enjoy it, as much as you can. Feel it. Survive it. And most importantly... live it :)

May the odds be ever in our favor!

High school pictures are soon going to be updated in this post! :p

There's one special thing about my childhood i will never forget: i happened to have the greatest bestfriend ever, Mbah Kakung.

I just got a chance to see 2 out of 4 of my grandparents. Mbah Sumi, nenek dari keluarga papa dan Mbah Kakung, kakek dari keluarga mama. Mbah Sumi and I weren't that close, we just met once or twice a year kalo lagi lebaran atau liburan aja. Tapi dengan Mbah Kakung, we happened to live under the same rooftop for several years sampai Mbah Kakung meninggal.

Mbah Kakung was a very sweet, kind, and thoughtful person. We were so close back then. I often slept on his bed. We used to watch soccer on tv together, though i didn't understand any single thing about soccer. Mbah Kakung shared his bed with me when i was overslept, he even comforted and soothed me down when i was scared in the middle of the night due to the cats' fight. I remembered i peed myself on the floor and Mbah Kakung was cover me up from my mom. Mbah Kakung loved me so much, and so did i. Apparently time flies and his health got worse, he barely walk meskipun udah pakai kruk. I remember that one time when it was just him & the-4th-grade-me. Mbah Kakung mau ke toilet dan kebetulan nggak ada orang dewasa yang bisa mapah Mbah Kakung buat jalan ke toilet. So there was I, helping him to walk, sambil ngeringis nahan bobotnya Mbah Kakung, nggak sanggup. I love him so much that i became so emotional watching him getting old and weaker. All i could think was i need to be strong for him since i was the only person he can depend on that day.

Mbah Kakung had a stroke and survived diabetics for 10 years. He went a lot of critical times when i was in the 5-6ish grade. Mbah Kakung lebih banyak istirahat dan punya 'temen' baru sendiri sejak itu, Suster Gita dan Bibi. Mbah Kakung even got trouble with talking that he can't speak properly. Mbah Kakung bahkan sempat lupa cara sholat. My heart hurt so much seeing him in pain.

Our last meeting wasn't going well. I was hurrily preparing stuffs for mudik on the second day of Idul Fitri that i forgot to say goodbye to Mbah Kakung when i was left. And the biggest mistake of mine was having thoughts that 'ya udah deh, nanti juga ketemu lagi sama Mbah'.

I never had that chance.

Mbah Kakung passed away the night right after we arrived in Slawi. When i heard of it, my heart explode. It burst. It was broken. It tore apart into pieces

My bestfriend just had gone forever, and i didn't have a chance to say goodbye for the last time.

As i'm writing this post, tears are streaming through my eyes. The pain and the regrets still exist, sampai sekarang.

... I miss him so much.

Mbah Kakung; he was the sweetest childhood memories of mine that i treasured. He is forever my bestfriend and i'm glad to have spaces for him in my heart.

/// M A Y ///

Menurut gue, loving ourselves is such huge steps to do. Some steps even feel so hard. Dan harus gue akui, mine isn't always going forward. Kadang proses itu berjalan maju, stagnan, atau mundur. I've been sure in my whole life that i don't listen what people will say about me, tapi buktinya gue memutuskan untuk turning off comment di postan instagram gue hari ini karena insecure about my frizzy hair and chubby cheeks and big thighs and fatty tummy on the pic. I usually reply the hate comments with making up some jokes about it, but at some point it's just exhausting. Kalo gue truly loving myself as the way it is, gue udah 100% persen ngepost puluhan foto yang selama ini pengen gue post without minding my pores, my hair or my acnes. Udah bodo amat orang mau komen badan gue gimana tanpa harus gue turning off comment option. Udah bodo amat sebodo bodonya, setolol tololnya, segoblok gobloknya. Besides, apa orang yang mencintai dan menerima dirinya sendiri 100% bener-bener exist di dunia yang cruel kayak gini?