paradox

10:43 AM

my life is a paradox. i often found two contrast sides on everything i do, or feel.

i don't like kids in general. i just happened to have a thought that kids are simply not everyone's cup of tea. as in for me, i don't like kids when they cry, when they're getting cranky about things, or how most of them are so clumsy on everything. it's weird though, how i don't really like kids, whereas i was once a kid, too. my sister said wanting to have kids is not yet such a deal for my age. well, that's quite rational and acceptable though. but, seeing the fact that i don't like kids, meantime i already imagined my future babies' names, is a paradox. and it comes with plural, okay? names, not name. both boys' and girls', the first, the second even the third. geez. last week there was this viral video on the internet about a poor kid, being abused by his parents and i cried so hard in my room, feeling sorry. watching that video made me feel two things. i want to have kids; so i can pour out all my affection to him, things the previous abused kid didn't have. meantime, i'm afraid to have kids; i'm scared seeing the fact that right now i can't stand by near any kids (and kids don't like me too), and i'm scared that i'm not capable enough to be a decent parent. i also thought it's such a paradox how the world works. there are many people that is struggling to have kids or getting pregnant, yet the number of assholes who just simply don't deserve kids are easily given kids. i see kids are blessings who need to be cherished. but having them.. is a hard work, it's a big deal that need to be considered. kids are cute sometimes, kids aren't most of the times. for now.

the way that i fall in love is just so strange. the way i figure it out, i always seek for ways to be around my crush. but when i do, i don't want to be anywhere near him. not seeing my crush makes me anxious, being near him makes my stomach hurts that i don't want to be with him. i wanted to act normally, talk normally, and look normally, but i always ended up getting too nervous to start a casual talk and naturally being a bitch who doesn't talk a lot. i want him to know me as a whole, but i also want him to see me as if i'm cool. tee hee. i want him to notice me, but i also don't want to be noticed cause it makes me busy thinking the way i look and the way i talk and the way i act and everything and that's make me not the way i am. few days ago he was offering a ride and i said no, when i wanted to say yes so much. i want to love. i don't want to fall.

i enjoy solitude... among the crowds. that's why i often hang out by myself on the mediocre-crowd coffee shops. i hate crowds, but i hate being alone in my solitude.

i'd like being noticed. i don't want to be exposed.

want to change. don't want things to change.

one day i feel empty. the next day i feel fulfill, alive.