deny & try
11:34 AMSometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cofoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so log. We are tired, we are scared, and denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing... Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freaking ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?
We live in denial. We tell lie, simply because the truth hurts. We sometimes deny about our own selves to ourselves. Because it sometimes embarassing. Or we look at it as a thing or two that could break us down to the bottom, therefore we deny it, and we use it as a justification.
I denied a lot. I deny the fact that something's wrong in my life because it all seemed runs perfectly. My life.. literally runs perfectly. I achieved all the good grades and made myself to the top three rank all these years, i got so many lucks at some events and stuff, i was trusted to be the director of my class' theatre project and the other, but still.. something is missing and i deny it. I deny the fact that sometimes all i feel is lonely and i need a friend to talk weirdly to.
I deny the fact that i always feel insecure about myself. About my heights or weights. I deny it that i always say 'yes i am not skinny & i don't give a damn about it' to everyone while in fact i do give a damn. Also about my lack of communicafion skills because i am such a freakin socially awkward. About my bad ability of maintaining small talks because i only do deep talks but sadly that's such a rare thing to do with strangers. It is truly hard to become an introvert.
I denied and lied because i have another think coming that maybe--just maybe, by denying the fact that i'm not that kind of person, i really suggest myself that i'm not that person nor will be.
I tried,
everyday.
I used to try to deny all the facts that possibly break and bring me down.
I used to deny that something is wrong.
I used to.
But all those trying effort seemed even more wrecked me up. It's exhausting to deny and deny. And somehow, after walking through the denial phase for so long,
i
feel
relieved
as i accepting the truth
that i am broken
that i am a mess
that i used to be such a snob.
It breaks me down.
It does,
but it's not as hurt as the denial.
The truth bites. I accepting the truth that sometimes i am too pridey and have a huge ego to start the conversation or to approach my friend first. I always wanted to be the one who being approached. That bad ego of mine is the one thing that complicates my communication. That's why i hardly bond with people.. I never wanted to make the first move, because i justified my introversion personality for a self-defense.
The fact that i've been living through the denial, also, is such an example of my freakin huge ego.
That's the real me.
But at least, i tried. I tried to control my ego and improve my social communication skill. I tried to be a better person, though i will never be perfect at it. Because all of us, humans, can do is try to be a better human-being.
everyday.
I used to try to deny all the facts that possibly break and bring me down.
I used to deny that something is wrong.
I used to.
But all those trying effort seemed even more wrecked me up. It's exhausting to deny and deny. And somehow, after walking through the denial phase for so long,
i
feel
relieved
as i accepting the truth
that i am broken
that i am a mess
that i used to be such a snob.
It breaks me down.
It does,
but it's not as hurt as the denial.
The truth bites. I accepting the truth that sometimes i am too pridey and have a huge ego to start the conversation or to approach my friend first. I always wanted to be the one who being approached. That bad ego of mine is the one thing that complicates my communication. That's why i hardly bond with people.. I never wanted to make the first move, because i justified my introversion personality for a self-defense.
The fact that i've been living through the denial, also, is such an example of my freakin huge ego.
That's the real me.
But at least, i tried. I tried to control my ego and improve my social communication skill. I tried to be a better person, though i will never be perfect at it. Because all of us, humans, can do is try to be a better human-being.
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