Normally, at this time remaining, the other girls would have been busy take care of their sweet 17th birthday preparation. They would kill for the hippiest birthday party ever among their friends'. It has to be held on the fanciest hotel or restaurant in town, it has to serve great foods, it has to set the chicest concept of decors, requires a DJ, and they should have wearing the prettiest gown ever while blowing candles on the top of the graded cake. It has to be the best party ever so anyone in school would talk about that. I guess it would be the picture of almost everyone's (every girls, red) dream birthday party.

Well, except for me.

The idea of being legal doesn't excite me at all. But for my mom and sisters, it does. Both of my sisters had their sweet 17th birthday party years ago. Just like the other girls, they think it's crucial thing to do in your whole life (or probably the best day of your whole life). It's not hard to guess that they would influence me someday about that stuffs when my time's coming up. And yes, they did. Earlier, my mum offered me a birthday party. She and my sisters came out with a bunch of concepts. They were like, 

"Since it's drought, i think it would be better for you to choose an afternoon garden party"

"No, no. Night birthday party would be the best"

"It would be pink everywhere"

"Heck no, there would be silver and gold balloons and decorations everywhere"

"But..."

And so on i can't even remember what exactly they were talking about. Pink, seriously, is not my thing. The idea of having sweet 17th birthday, is also not. I might let them down of my decision but i can't push myself to do that (not so my) thing. A q-time family dinner would be enough to me. Sorry guys.

Remembering that i'm nearly turn 17 actually makes me kinda worry. The thing of being legal is, you take responsibility of your own self. When you done something bad or break the rule, is not your parent's business anymore (legally). It's your life you should take care of. Also, being responsible of your life means you decide anything on your own. Every choices in life is yours to decide and to take. And by deciding choices means you need to be mature enough to understand the consequences. Dang! That's it. That's what i all worried about. Making (wise) choices.

I kept questioning myself bunch of questions. Am i mature enough? Am i gonna make it right? Will i screw my life by my unstableness? Am i making the right decision? How do i gonna handle my life when i change my mind in every 5 minutes? Do i capable enough? What should i do if... What if i....

and so on. The thing is, i'm not even sure with myself. For what i've been looking through backwards, i'm a girl who's full of uncertainty and having difficulty of figuring out what i want. I just can't imagine how can i face messier problem years ahead while at this time i'm still having difficulty to make my own decision. I made lots of mistakes in my life. My ego and ignorance once let me chose the wrongest path probably in my life. I have been studying social in a year. I thought it would be the right decision, just because realizing i put more interests on social studies and humanities. What have been through this year was fine. I did it well and enjoy it so much, actually. I even took the highest rank on last semester. I always knew that was exactly where i belong. Until i discover another interest. Guess what.. medical. Hahaha. I finally recognized i had fallen in love with medical since my eldest sister let me involved on her world. Also, watching Grey's Anatomy series makes me love it even more. By seeing how they work, what they're doing with their job, it just makes want to know more and even more until i put my heart on it. I even discussed a lot about medical stuff with my mother and sister who also put interest in it. And then i remembered human's anatomy was my favorite part on biology in junior high although they were just little. Somehow, i still remembered all i learn about medical since i was junior high. How can? Simply because i enjoy it so much.

Here's what confusing.

I always knew i belong in social studies. I learn fast on it. I put interest about it. I always good at it.

But i always hungry to know anything related to medical. And i did everything i can to discover more about it. And i always excited about it. And what i feel about medical is what they said about doing passion. I was hesitate, wondering where i should really belong in. And that hesitation proved my immaturity. 

Do i regret to decide social studies?

I don't know. There are so much possibilities. It can be that i only love medical just from what i have seen from the outside. I probably cried like my sisters during her studies, remembering bunch of cases for her SOOCA tests. I probably feel disgrace to not having free times with my kids because there are still lots of patients out there. I probably feel bored to do the same job in the same place everyday and be ungrateful about it. Or i probably just love medical temporarily (re: angin-anginan). So i don't know. I still love social studies and didn't lose any interest on it anyway. But who knows what happens next? Who knows if i will regret my choice or not? Future always creeps me out.

What i can do right now is concern about my social studies, because there's no way back to change my decision to science studies. Because by choosing science studies doesn't guarantee i will not regret my decision to not choose social studies either. So yeah the point is.. i just have to live what already happened.

And yes, that was the huge case that caused by my ego and my ignorance. I said it was huge because it really is. It was the choice that settled my life and my future, right? I don't want to hesitate anymore (just like in that case) again in my life by the decision i made.

And like what i said upfront, making the right decision requires maturity. Maturity leads to responsibility. And by being legal requires me to taking bigger responsibility. Hffft. It's not easy to be a grown up, huh? Seriously. All i can do is hoping that i'm not gonna screw it out by making right decision. Making decision... huge thing. Once again, i asked myself, do i capable & mature enough to live as a grown up?

Now you know why do i scared to be a grown-up. Now you know why am i not excited at all about the idea of being legal. Hmmm ... can we just not growing up?